Grenade
by Foreword
Summary: Elliot's secret connection to Olivia causes him to make an error in judgment that will have a long lasting impact on everyone in the Special Victims Unit. Rated M for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N: A month or so ago, I was listening to the song "Grenade" by Bruno Mars and thought how it perfectly fits the working relationship that Elliot & Olivia have, which got me thinking about the idea for this story. So, my apologies to Mr. Mars, I've tweaked the lyrics of his song a little bit so they fit better. _**

**_This story is a sequel to Kindred and contains original characters that were introduced or developed in that story, so this one may be confusing on it's own. Go back and read Kindred-it's worth it! :-)  
_**

**_Grenade takes place about 9 months after Kindred ends. _**

**Grenade**

_I'd catch a grenade for you_

_Throw my hand on a blade for you_

_I'd jump in front of a train for you _

_You know I'd do anything for you_

_I would go through all this pain,_

_Take a bullet straight through my brain,_

_Yes, I would die for you, baby._

_And you would do the same._

Chapter One: Unthinkable_  
_

_Elliot sees the dawning awareness in the perps eyes that there is no way out, no way is he going to be able to walk away from this mess he's gotten himself into and knows that a desperate man will do almost anything. He watches as the look in the scum bag's eyes changes from understanding to acceptance to defiance in a matter of seconds and realizes that the perp is going to pull the trigger of the gun he is holding to Liv's head. No! No, you're not going to take her down with you, you're not going to kill __**her**__, you're not going to leave my daughter—yes, __**my**__ daughter damn it, even if no one will talk about it or admit it- without a mother. So he does what every rookie cop knows not to do and lunges for the hand that is holding the gun. He really, honestly thinks that he has the advantage of surprise and he'll be able to overpower him but of course that's what everyone thinks when they try that stupid move and it doesn't work, it doesn't, the perp is quick and yanks his arm away at the last second and now they are wrestling for the gun while Liv screams "Elliot, NO!" He feels a white flash of heat at the center of his body and then he is on the ground and everything is dark and hazy. He hears another shot, hears the perp grunt in pain as Liv's bullet finds it's mark—how did Liv get a gun? He is cold, so cold. He was sweating when they entered the warehouse but now he's freezing. He thinks of his wife and his other five children and his last thought before he surrenders to unconsciousness is what a fool he's been. _

Olivia parks the squad car in the no parking zone in front of Jefferson Hall where Dispatch told her she will find the Queen's College Registrar's office. Someone there will be able to tell her which building Kathy Stabler is in for class. She didn't want to send a uniform car to pick Kathy up and tell her that her husband has been shot; she needs to do that herself. It's the least she can do.

She runs in the front door and quickly consults the directory: Registrar's Office, First floor, to her left. She bursts through the door of the first office she sees, startling a young woman typing at a computer. She flashes her badge and gasps: "I need to locate one of your students immediately. Kathy Stabler. She's in a class right now. Where is it?"

The young woman looks at her, her mouth agape. "I…I can't just give out that info…"

Olivia leans over the desk, getting in her face. She jabs a finger in the direction of the computer screen. "Her husband is a cop. He was just shot. Find her location for me _now_!"

The woman nods and begins typing. "She should be in Kissena Hall, Room 202—it's back across from the main entrance, over on Kissena Blvd. Do you want me to call ahead…?"

Olivia is already on her way back out the door. "NO!" she shouts back over her shoulder. She needs to tell Kathy herself, and get her to the hospital as soon as possible, before…she refuses to complete that thought because it's too unbearable to contemplate.

She parks illegally again and finds the classroom in short order. It's a large lecture hall with about 100 students, and when Olivia bursts through the door, all eyes turn to look at her. She's only interested in one pair, however, and as she scans the room, she sees those blue eyes turn took at her, puzzled at first and then wide as Kathy Stabler realizes why her husband's partner has just shown up in the middle of one of her classes. Kathy stands, and gathers up her things with shaking hands. Her notebook falls to the floor and another student bends to pick it up and hand it to her, but she is already gone, rushing down the stairs to Olivia.

"Is he…?" she can't finish the sentence. She takes in Olivia's disheveled appearance, the top to a pair of scrubs she has thrown on to replace her own blood soaked blouse because she couldn't show up to get Kathy covered in her husband's blood. Tears spring to her eyes, but she is calm. This is the moment that the spouse of every police officer has mentally rehearsed over and over; every time the phone rings in the middle of a shift or they are late getting home and don't call.

"Can I help you?" asks the professor at the front of the room in an irritated voice. "You can't just barge in here…" The two women ignore him; they are the only two people in this room who exist.

"He's alive," says quickly as Olivia as Kathy joins her by the door. She can see the relief wash over Kathy's face and Olivia grabs her arm to support her as she almost sags in relief. "But he was shot, Kathy, and—it's bad."

Kathy searches her face for clues but Olivia can't even begin to explain how bad it is, how Elliot was gray and lifeless in her arms, blood pouring out of the close-range shot in his chest. How she held him and screamed for help into his phone until Fin arrived to help her apply pressure until the ambulance got there. Kathy sees enough and her eyes well with more tears. "Why did you leave him, Olivia? Why didn't you stay, he shouldn't be alone…"

"Cragen and Finn are with him, Kathy—and he wanted you. I told him I'd come get you." She doesn't have time to explain how Elliot regained consciousness briefly in the ambulance, after the paramedics had started an IV to replace some of the fluid he'd lost. How he'd held her gaze and asked her to tell Kathy that he loved her. "You can tell her yourself, El," Olivia had said, trying to smile through her fear. She'd seen Elliot hurt many times in the course of their long partnership, but never like this. He was so pale and his eyes looked vague, as if he were already on his way to somewhere she wouldn't be able to reach him. "Then you'd better get her fast," he'd said, and closed his eyes.

"Where is he?" Kathy asks in a choked voice, as they go out in the hall toward the front door.

"They took him to New York Hospital Queens," Olivia is telling her when her phone rings. She flips it out and answers quickly. "Captain? How is he?"

"He's in surgery, Liv," Cragen explains. "They couldn't wait for Kathy to get here to give permission, they had to act fast. Did you find her?"

"Yes, we're on our way. Did…did the doctors say anything before they took him in?"

Cragen's voice was low. "Not much, they were in too much of a hurry to get him into the O.R. But it's not good, Liv."

"Ok, Captain," she tried to keep her voice light for Kathy who was hanging on to every word on her end. They were out of the building and getting into the car now. "We'll pick up Eli and be there in a few minutes. Did you track down Dec?"

"Yes, he's on his way here—he'll take Eli back to your apartment to stay with your au pair and August and then he'll go get the twins. I've already called Maureen; Munch has gone to pick up her and Kathleen."

"Olivia, why is he at the hospital here in Queens?" Kathy asked. Olivia was driving to the campus day care where Eli stayed while Kathy was in class. She often picked him up when Kathy had a late class and knew exactly where it was.

"We…we were in a warehouse on the river when ….when it happened." Olivia said. She didn't even want to think about the clusterfuck that had led to them being there and Elliot getting shot. "Let's get Eli and get to the hospital and then I'll explain everything, I promise." As they walk into the day care center, she tells her the plans that are already in motion. Declan will go to the high school and get the twins, but Kathy will need to call the office and give permission for him to take them first. When Kathy hears that the Captain has called their oldest daughters, her eyes widen in fear.

"Is he going to live?" she asks, her hand on the door to Eli's classroom. "Just how badly was he hurt, Olivia?" Her voice is trembling.

Olivia leads her to a bench outside the classroom door. "He took a close-range shot to the chest, Kathy. It did a lot of damage. He was wrestling with a perp for a gun and it went off."

Kathy's eyes are wild. "Elliot would never do anything that foolish! Every time someone grabs for a gun on a television show he laughs and says how no cop would be dumb enough to do that."

Olivia doesn't tell her that her that it's her fault Elliot did something so stupid ; that she'd walked right into a trap and let the perp grab her and that Elliot had risked his life trying to save hers. "Sit here for a minute and breath, Kathy. You don't want to scare Eli. I'll get him and we'll get to the hospital and you can see El. "

Kathy nods and closes her eyes, leaning into the wall behind her. She takes a deep breath and Olivia goes to get her son, praying that it won't be too late when they get to the hospital.

"Libia!" Eli shrieks when he sees her, leaving the group of kids he is playing with and running to jump on her. He peers around to look behind her. "Where's baby August?"

"She's at home with Mariclair," explains Olivia. "Dec is going to take you to see her in a few minutes; your mom & I have to do something."

"Something with Daddy?" Eli asks. "Can I come with you?" He looks up at her with those big blue eyes that are so like Elliot's that Olivia has to take a deep breath to avoid bursting into tears. This little boy idolizes his father and the thought that he might have to grow up without him because of her stupidity is more than she can bear right now.

"It's a grown-up thing, sweetie," she manages to say. "And I know Mariclair would love your help with August. "

"Okay," he says agreeably, and run to his cubby to get his backpack while Olivia signs him out at the front desk, her hand shaking so badly she can barely write. _Please God, don't let Elliot die because of me. _


	2. Chapter 2

Telling

As they pull up at the hospital, Olivia realizes she has no idea where they have taken Elliot. She had ridden in the ambulance and stayed in the ER with him until Cragen and Fin arrived to take over. As she was rushing out of the emergency room to go get Kathy, a nurse had stopped her and offered her a clean scrub shirt. Until then, Olivia hadn't even realized that she was soaked in Elliot's blood. She'd thanked the nurse, avoiding the look of sympathy in her eyes and quickly changed, tossing her ruined blouse into the bathroom garbage can.

Now, as they approach the door, she flips open her cell phone and calls Cragen.

"Captain, we're here at the hospital. Where are you?" Olivia asks as they walk in. She ignores the receptionist who is pointing to the sign that says "Turn OFF Cell Phones".

"Second floor, Liv," he tells her. "There's a lounge between the ICU and Recovery, we're all in here."

She flips the phone shut and asks the receptionist where the elevators to the ICU are. The scowling woman points them in the right directions; clearly reading Olivia's don't-you-dare-mess-with-me-now attitude. Kathy and Olivia walk quickly to the elevator and when it arrives at the second floor, Fin is waiting to escort them to the waiting room.

"Is there any word?" Kathy asks. In the car ride on the way over Olivia watched as she grew calmer and calmer, steeling herself for the ordeal ahead. She has been carrying Eli on her hip, but when the little boy sees who is in front of them, he wiggles to be put down.

"Fin!" he cries, throwing himself into his arms. For all of his bluster and bravado, Fin has a soft spot that kids immediately sense. At Olivia's wedding in the spring, he showed Eli some dance moves and now has a faithful admirer.

"Hey there, buddy," says Fin. "Wanna go get a soda with me?" Eli turns to Kathy with a questioning look. Soda is not usually allowed, but she nods her head and Fin takes him off down the hall to the vending machines.

They find the Captain pacing in the lounge. Melinda Warner is there with him. When one of their own is injured, it's time for the department to rally. Soon the room will be filled with police officers who will stay as long as it takes to find out how their colleague is.

"Kathy," Cragen says, and opens his arms. She allows him to hug her, but at the same time, she's looking around for medical personnel. "Is there any news?" She asks. Melinda gets up out of her chair and puts a gentle hand on Kathy's shoulder. Her calming presence and medical knowledge are always a comfort in situations like this.

"I spoke to the doctor very briefly before they took Elliot into surgery." She says gently. "He lost a lot of blood, and they didn't find an exit wound so they expect to find the bullet still inside of him." She turns to Olivia with a questioning look. "Only one shot?" Olivia nods, not trusting herself to speak. "So they needed to get him into surgery to assess the extent of the damage, find the bullet and stop the bleeding. It's going to be awhile before they're able to tell us anything."

Kathy nods, her pretty face pale and drawn. Cragen escorts her over to a chair, but she sits for just a second before jumping up. She can't sit still. None of them can.

"I need to call the twins' school" she says to Olivia. "Didn't you say Declan was going to get them?" She starts digging in her purse for her cell phone. "They should be here. In case…." She doesn't finish her sentence and Olivia feels her heart give a sudden wrench.

"Yes, but he's coming here first to get Eli, so you've got time." Said Olivia gently. "You can call when he leaves to go get them."

Kathy nods, and then asks the question Olivia has been dreading. "Liv, what _happened_?" Olivia sees that Cragen is looking at her expectantly too. Her heart sinks; she's afraid that Kathy will hate her when she hears her role in all of this, and Cragen will want her badge. She wonders how much Fin has told him. Cragen isn't glaring at her, so maybe not too much.

"We got a call that someone who matched the description of the man we've been looking for on those child abductions was seen entering a warehouse down on the East River," Olivia began. "I was closer, I'd been out following up on an interview; El and Fin were canvassing near the crime scene and were further out." Cragen nods; this much he knows. Olivia takes a deep breath and continues. "I was supposed to wait until they got there before going in, but…I heard crying."

Cragen's eyes widen. Every cop knows not to enter a situation without back up in place. But this case has been eating at the whole SVU squad. Six young girls, under the age of eight have been found over the past year, each molested and then murdered. The pattern wasn't immediately obvious because the victims were spread over three boroughs, but the most recent body had been found on their turf. Manhattan SVU had finally linked the cases together, thanks to Munch who had picked up on a minor detail that had been overlooked by the detectives on the other cases. Once tied together, they'd been able to find a common link: a man who delivered prescriptions for a chain pharmacy with locations all over the city. They believed he'd identified the victims when delivering scripts for routine childhood illnesses—ear infections, asthma, strep throat. Just when they'd liked him as the suspect, he'd gone missing. The entire squad had been frantically looking for him, not sure if he'd gotten suspicious and gone underground or had located a new victim.

Olivia had been especially rattled by this case. Their victim had been not quite 6 years old, and now that she was the mother of a little girl herself, she found that the this murdered child called out to her for justice in a way no other case ever had. She finally truly understood what it had been like for Elliot all of these years.

Kathy is staring intently at Olivia, waiting for her to continue. "I heard crying and thought maybe he had another victim inside. I knew that Elliot and Fin would be along any minute so I decided to take a look around and see if I could get a handle on his location." In reality, Olivia had freaked the minute she heard the cry of the little girl. She knew damn well she should wait for back up, but the thought of a man inside, touching a child in the way he had with the others, made her insane.

She'd entered the warehouse through an unlocked side door just beyond the high, grated window where she'd heard the cry. The unlocked door should have been a clue, but she was too intent on her task to think that clearly. Later, they'd find that a camera had been trained on the outside of the building near that entrance- Bertolli had seen her coming and had plenty of time to get in place. When he saw a woman officer arrive alone, he probably saw it as an opportunity to get rid of her before anyone else arrived on the scene.

The suspect had been standing behind the door and when she entered, he struck her from behind with a long metal pole from some piece of equipment long ago abandoned in the old warehouse. Olivia was momentarily stunned and that was all of the time he'd needed to overpower her and take her gun, along with her cell phone. He'd grabbed one wrist to twist her arm painfully up behind her back and then escorted her a few feet down the hall to a small room. In it, a television was playing a tape of a young girl, one she recognized as one of his earlier victims. That was what she had heard outside through the window. There was no actual child in his hidden lair, just a stash of tapes and souvenirs from his victims. She'd put herself—and now Elliot and Fin—at risk for nothing.

As she relays all of this, she sees the growing look of dismay on Cragen's face. She wonders if he is deciding when would be a good moment to suspend her. Kathy doesn't say a word, just listens as Olivia continues on.

"Elliot and Fin must have split up when they got to the warehouse and saw my car but not me." Olivia continues. She's come this far; she owes it to Kathy to tell her the whole sorry mess so she'd understand that it wasn't Elliot who'd made the stupid mistake, but her. "Bertolli was holding the gun on me when Elliot showed up in the doorway."

"So how did Elliot end up wrestling him for the gun?" Cragen asks gently. He specifically doesn't say "your gun" but the words are hanging there in the air, a reminder of another rule that every cop learns in the academy: never lose control of your weapon.

When Bertolli saw Elliot in the doorway, he'd grabbed Olivia and pulled her against him, holding the gun to her head. He was trapped, there was no way out of the room for him except to go through Elliot and any fool could see that Elliot would never let _that_ happen. The room was filled with evidence of his crimes. When he heard Fin calling for Elliot from the other side of the warehouse, he must have known it was all over. He pressed the gun even tighter against Olivia's temple. The murdering bastard was holding her in front of him so she couldn't see his face, but she could see by the look in Elliot's eyes that _he_ was afraid for her.

"Let her go, Bertolli," Elliot said quietly. "Don't' make this any worse than it has to be."

Bertolli gave a snort of what might have been laughter, but sounded to Olivia's ears, already filled with the sound of her own pounding heartbeat, like the sounds that would come from a demon. "Any worse?" he scoffed. "I don't think that's possible." He pulled the arm he had around Olivia's waist even tighter and pushed the gun into her temple. She gave an involuntary gasp of pain. Her arm was still twisted behind her so that every tiny movement was excruciating and Bertolli had her tight against his body, one of his legs forced between hers from behind, so she had no leverage to throw him off balance. He was clearly no stranger to using restraint.

Footsteps sounded in the hall behind Elliot; Fin had made his way to this side of the building. Bertolli stiffened when he heard the sound and Elliot used that momentary distraction to lunge forward to knock the gun up and away from Olivia. But Bertolli saw him coming and stepped back quickly so that Elliot ended up off balance. "Elliot, NO!" she shouted as Bertolli shoved her away from him, causing her to stumble. After that, it was all a blur. Elliot and Bertolli were wrestling; one gun went flying across the floor. Olivia lunged for that gun, dropping to her knees and twisting around to aim it at Bertolli, but before she could even identify which one of the writhing figures on the ground was the perp, it was too late. There was a shot and Elliot was on the ground. As Bertolli separated himself from Elliot and started to rise, Olivia aimed her gun at the center of his chest. Their eyes met for a brief interchange and Olivia saw that he wanted to die and was going to make her kill him. Holding her gaze, he slowly began to raise the hand with the gun. Olivia fired.

"Suicide by cop," says Cragen quietly. This is a situation every police officer dreads, when an individual deliberately acts in a way that forces the officer to use lethal force. Known by many names—blue death, death by cop, officer-assisted suicide—it's a nightmare no officer wants to deal with. Kathy is sobbing quietly at his side, and he puts his arm around her to pull her close. She buries her head in his shoulder and gives in to her grief with heart wrenching sobs that make Olivia want to rip her ears right off her head.

"Kathy, I'm so sorry," Olivia begins, reaching out her hand to touch her friend's shoulder. Kathy raises her tear-stained face and for a moment Olivia thinks Kathy is going to lash out at her, but instead, she holds out her arms to hug Olivia.

"Oh, Liv," she says. "It must have been horrible for you. We've all been so worried about Elliot and look at what you've been through." Olivia looks at Cragen over Kathy's head. Why isn't anyone mad at her? This was all her fault; if she'd only waited, the three of them would have worked up a plan and no one would have been hurt.

"She's right, "said Cragen quietly. "Liv, you need to go downstairs and get checked out. Sounds like you took a good blow. Were you unconscious at all?"

"No!" says Olivia and now she is really confused. _Don't they get it? This is my fault._ "I'm not going anywhere, Captain, until we get news about Elliot."

Melinda comes to stand next to her. "Let's just go down to the nurse's station then," she says gently. "I'll borrow some equipment and check you over. And then, when we know Elliot is okay, we'll get you a more thorough exam."

Olivia nods and turns to go with Melinda, but just as they reach the door, Declan bursts in. His face is tight with worry, and when he sees Olivia, he all but lunges to pull her into his arms. Her face pressed against his chest, Olivia finally lets go and bursts into tears.


	3. Chapter 3

Condition

Olivia clings to Declan and cries. Cragen, Kathy & Melinda move over to the side of the room to sit down, trying to give them some space. They talk quietly among themselves, Melinda doing her best to reassure Kathy with her medical knowledge about what they are probably doing in the O.R. It helps Kathy to visualize the steps that might be saving her husband's life so she hangs on to every word.

Declan holds Olivia close and strokes her hair. "I was so worried about you," he whispers. "We heard that an officer from SVU was down and I was so afraid. I couldn't breathe until Cragen called me."

She looks up at him, tears streaming down her face. "It could have been me, Dec, if not for Elliot. And the whole thing was my fault, I screwed up and now Elliot could _die_." She is talking softly, but still, Declan glances over at Kathy. She is talking to Melinda and appears not to have heard.

"How is he?" Declan asks, using his thumb to wipe some of the tears. He strokes her back, as if reassuring himself by touch that she was really still with him. "And I know it wasn't your fault, Liv."

"He's still in surgery; we won't know anything for awhile." Olivia took a deep breath and began to compose herself. This isn't the time to lose it, she has to be strong; the kids will be here any minute…

The door to the waiting room opens and Fin sticks his head in. "Can we come in?" he asks softly.

Olivia nods, and turns her back to hastily wipe her face with her hands while Dec goes to the door to distract the little boy. The last thing he needs is to see all of the adults in his life falling apart. They enter, Eli carefully balancing a can of Sprite as he walks. Despite the gravity of the situation, Dec has to smile at the serious look on his face. "Hey, buddy," he says. Eli's face lights up when he sees him and he almost tips the soda.

"Hi, Declan!" he chirps brightly. "Mommy said I can go to your house and play with baby August."

"That's right, I'm going to take you right now," Declan says, squatting down to his eye level. "I'll hold your soda while you go say goodbye to your mom." Kathy is already coming across the room to scoop him up for a hug. She has a bright smile pasted on her face, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. Eli is too excited to notice.

"You be good for Mariclair," she says, kissing his cheek and squeezing him tightly. "We might be busy for awhile, so you might even spend the night. Would you like that?" He looks at her in surprise. He's never spent the night away from home. "Sure," he says, after a thinking about it for a nano-second. "I can read August a story before she goes to sleep." He wiggles to be put down, and looks around the room. "Where's Daddy? I want to say goodbye to him too."

Kathy's voice catches in her throat as she says "Daddy's at work, Eli. You can talk to him later, ok?" Every adult in the room mentally crosses their fingers in hopes that this will be true.

Declan gives Olivia a quick hug and kiss. "I'll be back soon," he promises. She hands him the keys to the squad car. "Eli's car seat is in the back seat. It's parked right out in front. "

He nods and puts out his hand for Eli. "Ready?"

Olivia and Kathy watch them walk out of the room together. Eli is chatting away, telling Dec all of the games he is going to show August, who is now almost 10 months old and finds him wildly entertaining. They look at each other, both thinking the same thing: how do you even begin to explain something like this to a four year old?

* * *

Munch arrives with Maureen and Kathleen shortly after Declan leaves with Eli. Kathy is thankful that they didn't cross paths; he definitely would have realized that something was going on if he saw his older sisters and she just can't bear the thought of trying to tell him about his father until they know more about his condition.

The girls rush to her side, Kathleen in hysterical tears, Maureen stoical and asking for answers. Her oldest daughter is so much like Elliot that it scares Kathy sometimes. Olivia gives them an abridged version of the events in the warehouse, leaving out the details of her screw ups. When the twins arrive with Declan half an hour later, she goes through the whole story again. Declan listens intently as well; this is the first he's heard more than scattered details. She can tell by his expression he realizes she is leaving out big chunks of the story and knows he understands why.

"So Dad saved your life?" Dick asks. He looks scared but is obviously trying to be brave for his mother and sisters in the absence of his father.

Olivia nods and he seems reassured by the knowledge that there's a reason why his father's life is hanging by a thread. Olivia wonders if he will feel the same if and when he hears the whole story.

The four Stablers huddle together on one side of the room, talking among themselves, and the police officers all gravitate toward another corner to give them some privacy. Declan pulls Liv aside and asks her softly how she is doing. She just shakes her head, unable to answer. Every second that they wait is an agony to her. She can only imagine how hard it is for Kathy.

Four hours have gone by since everyone has assembled in the room. Melinda periodically checks with the nursing staff for updates but there is no news other than that the surgery is still going on and the doctor will be out with a report when he's finished. Cragen makes some calls and a pair of uniformed officers shows up with food—pizzas, sodas, trays of coffee and hot chocolate, but no one is in the mood to eat. The hospital wants Kathy to fill out paperwork but she refuses to leave the area; they send a representative up to take the information in the lounge. Everyone from the hospital is almost reverentially respectful of the group. The lounge they've been given, Melinda tells them, is one reserved for critical and sensitive cases where the family needs privacy

Kathy asks the kids if they'd rather go home and wait, but it's clear that she's not leaving and they won't either. No one can stick to an activity for long; the whole group is pacing around the room, talking on their phones or picking at the food. The twins, who more often than not are mad at each other these days, sit down and put their heads close together, talking softly. Kathleen is on her cell phone, walking around the room and talking to friends with wild hand gestures as if they can see her. Maureen sits with the adults, and Olivia marvels at how mature and composed she is; no sign of the rebellious teenager that Elliot swears made him lose most of his hair.

At hour six, the door opens and everyone looks up in anticipation and dread. It's a doctor in scrubs, looking tired. "Mrs. Stabler?" he asks, looking around at the group. Kathy nods and starts to rise, but he motions for her to remain seated and comes to take the chair next to her. "Is it okay if we talk here or would you like to go somewhere more private?" he asks, noticing the young adults with her.

"Here is fine," she tells him, her voice soft but firm. Whatever he's about to tell her, everyone else needs to know too, and she knows that Melinda will help her to understand what's being said.

"Ok," he looks down at his feet for a second, as if gathering his thoughts. When he looks up, his eyes are gentle and kind. "Your husband made it through surgery, but he's in very serious condition. His injuries were typical of a medium velocity penetrating wound with a retained projectile, which means, in plain English, that the bullet went in, bounced around to do some damage and then didn't exit. We found it lodged in a posterior rib."

"What kind of damage?" asks Kathy. Melinda and everyone else lean in to listen.

"The first priority with an injury like this is to control hemorrhaging and prevent contamination," he tells her. "The bullet remained intact and wasn't modified in anyway—I understand it was from a service revolver?" He looks around at the rest of the group, whom he assumes to be police officers. Cragen nods and Olivia's stomach churns. _Her_ service revolver. He continues. "Well, that was actually a good thing, because often, with situations like this, the bullet has been modified to cause more damage. "

"So what damage _did _the bullet do?" Melinda asks. "Melinda Warner," she adds, extending her hand. "I'm a medical examiner for the NYPD."

He nods appreciatively, glad to have someone in the room who will understand the nuances of what he is saying. "Jack Templeton," he says, shaking her hand. "Head of Emergency Surgery." He turns back to Kathy. "So, while the damage isn't as severe as it might have been, your husband sustained many injuries. He has three broken ribs, two anterior, where the bullet went in, and one posterior, where the bullet lodged in the back. The posterior one has the most severe damage, he may need surgery again later to replace a part of that rib, but for now we've stabilized it and we'll see how it heals. He also has a thoracic hematoma, which means basically, his right lung is bruised. Typically, we see that kind of injury with blunt force trauma to the chest, but sometimes it occurs from the shock wave of a bullet passing through the chest cavity." He pauses, exchanges glances with Melinda and goes on. "The injury that most concerns me is where the bullet nicked the inferior vena cava, the large vein that carries blood from the body back into the heart. That was what caused his severe blood loss. We've repaired the damage. Now, we just need to wait and see how he responds."

"When can I see him?" Kathy asks. Most of what the doctor has said has gone right over her head, but she knows that Melinda will explain it all again later. For now, all that matters is that her husband is still alive.

Dr. Templeton shakes his head. "He's in the recovery room now, and then he'll be moved to I.C.U. He'll be sedated and probably not conscious much before morning, you can go home and come back then, if you'd like."

Kathy looks at him as if he has just suggested she take a cruise to the Bahamas and check in when she gets back. "I'm not going anywhere," she says. "I need to be with him when he wakes up. I want to be in the room with him."

"The I.C.U. only allows a visitor for ten minutes every hour and not until the patient is stabilized," Templeton begins. Melinda lays a hand on his shoulder and motions with her head to indicate they should step aside to talk. When he returns, he tells Kathy that once Elliot is settled in the I.C.U., he'll have a nurse come and get her and she can spend the night with him. His eyes settle on the Stabler children. "I'm sorry," he says gently. "But the rest of you will have to wait until tomorrow to see him. It's vital that he doesn't expend any extra energy right now. His body has been through a tremendous ordeal. He needs to rest."

Kathleen bursts into tears, but the others nod in understanding. Templeton leaves, and the group, tired, exhausted but so relieved, huddle together to make plans. Olivia offers to take the kids home to the house in Queens, but Cragen lays a gentle hand on her arm.

"Liv, you've been through a lot today. You go home with Declan now and get some rest. Be with Eli and August."

Olivia doesn't put up much of a fight. She is exhausted, mentally and physically. She needs to talk to Declan and tell him the whole story, to get it all off her chest. She wants to hold her baby girl tight and count her blessings. And she wants to take care of Elliot's son, in return for all he has done for her today.

They decide that the twins will go to Maureen & Kathleen's apartment with them. It's closer, and none of them want to be at the house without their parents there. Dick can sleep on the futon couch and Lizzie can bunk in with one of the girls. Fin will take them by the house first to get their things. Munch will be on call in case they need to come back to the hospital for any reason.

Maureen pulls her mother close for a hug. "You'll call us the second you hear anything?" she asked, her blue eyes looking at her mother's face for reassurance. "Even if it's the middle of the night? Call us as soon as he wakes up."

"I will," Kathy promises. There are already dark circles under her eyes from worry and exhaustion, but no one tries to talk her out of staying.

"Tell him we love him," says Lizzie, giving her a hug as well. "The second he wakes up, tell him."

Everyone starts to leave, but Captain Cragen and Melinda Warner stay behind. "We'll wait with you until you can go in," Cragen tells her. They all sit down in chairs that have become much too familiar in a short period of time.

"Tell me again what the doctor said," Kathy says to Melinda. "I was so relieved to hear he was alive, I couldn't pay attention. " Her eyes well up at the thought of the injuries her husband has sustained but there is also a determined air about her. She _will_ stay strong and hold things together to be there for Elliot when he needs her. Melinda goes over the doctor's report again in simple terms.

"Will he be…okay…after all of this?" Kathy asks her. She can't imagine Elliot as anything but the strong, vibrant man he is now. Anything less would be devastating to him.

"Only time will tell," Melinda answers gently. "It will depend on the amount of damage to the vena cava; it's possible that he could be left with permanent limitations. Elliot is tough, he's a fighter. I think he'll pull through just fine. But it's going to be a long recuperation." She looks at Cragen as she says this, so he understands that he's not going to have this particular detective back anytime soon. He raises his eyebrows to acknowledge the message.

Shortly after midnight, the nurse comes for Kathy. "Mrs. Stabler? We've got your husband settled now. He's still not awake, but you can come sit with him."

Kathy turns to give Melinda and Don a hug. "Thank you for staying with me, and for all you've done," she says.

"I'll be back in the morning," says Don. "But please call if there's any change, or if I can do anything at all." Melinda echoes the same sentiment and Kathy assures them that she will.

* * *

As she walks down the hall behind the nurse, she steels herself for what she will see. Elliot has been injured on the job many times over the years; it's become a joke at their house that if he keeps it up, when he drinks, he'll start to leak. Nothing has ever been this serious though. The closest was when he was temporarily blind after a head injury, but after the initial shock, she hadn't really worried bdcause the doctors had assured them he'd regain his full sight in time.

The nurse leads her into the I.C.U, dim and quiet, with lots of equipment beeping and flashing. It is all open space so that the nurses can easily see each patient from the center desk. Each bed is separated from the next by a curtain. Elliot is in the last bed, by a wall, so that there is somewhat more privacy and the cubicle next to him is empty. Kathy tries not to look at the people in the beds as she passes; to be in I.C.U. means a serious illness and she can't think about anyone else right now. Elliot needs her.

When she sees him, she has to stifle a gasp. Elliot lies on his back, head slightly elevated. There are tubes and monitors everywhere. He is so pale; she's never seen him like this, devoid of color, looking somehow…insubstantial. His chest is covered in thick bandages, with a tube coming out of the center for what she assumes is drainage.

They've placed a chair next to his bed for her and she pulls it up as close as she can get. She takes the hand closest to her, careful not to disturb the oxygen monitor clipped to the end of his finger, and lifts it to her cheek. His hand is cool to the touch and she presses it between her cheek and hand, trying to impart some of her warmth to him.

The nurse, who has introduced herself as Alice, smiles sympathetically at Kathy. "Let me know if you need anything," she tells her softly. "We're not supposed to have food in here, but we can make an exception if you'd like something. I know it's been a long day. If he starts to wake up, we'll see it by his vitals, but call me if you have any questions." Kathy nods, and settles in to wait.


	4. Chapter 4

Revelation

Olivia and Declan walk down to the parking lot and his car. Cragen has arranged for the squad car that she drove to the hospital to be picked up so she is free to ride home with her husband. As soon as she gets in the passenger seat and buckles her seatbelt, she rests her head back against the seat and lets the tears flow. She is so damn tired.

Declan says nothing, just drives and let her cry. After a few minutes, he reaches over to squeeze her hand. "Do you want to tell me about it?" He asks in a gentle tone. So she spills out the whole story, leaving nothing out this time around. She tells him what an idiot she was, how she, an experienced detective, allowed her judgment to be affected by the sound of a crying child. How helpless she felt when the barrel of her own gun was pressed up against her temple and how frightened she'd been that she'd never see him or August again. His hand tightens on hers as she says this.

"Liv, you're being too hard on yourself," he tells her when she finally comes to the end. "Yes, in hindsight it was a mistake to go in there alone, but you thought a child was in danger. I'm guessing that if Elliot had gotten their first and heard what you did, he might have gone in alone too, and then the situation would be reversed." Declan quickly pushed the picture of Olivia, shot and bloody, out of his mind.

Olivia hadn't thought of it from this perspective. Elliot did tend to think he was invincible and he had gone off on his own more than once. "I guess we'll never know." She sighs and closes her eyes. The next thing she knows, Dec is gently shaking her awake in the parking garage of their building.

"Let's get you upstairs and into the tub," he says, putting his arm around her as they walk to the elevator. "You'll feel better after a warm bath."

They are met at the door by the young Brazilian au pair who has been with them since Olivia went back to work a few months ago. She has been a godsend, the perfect solution to the irregular hours they both need to work at times. In the short time she's been with them, she's become a part of their family. August adores her, and knowing her daughter is in loving hands makes is possible for Olivia to focus on her job when she has to be away from her.

"How is Mr. Stabler?" Mariclair asks when they come in. She is sitting on the couch watching television but picks up the remote to switch off the news. Declan had filled her in briefly when he dropped Eli off. She knows the Stablers from when the two families get together and Kathy often brings Eli over to "play" with August.

"He had a long surgery, but he's holding his own," says Declan. "His wife is at the hospital with him."

Mariclair nods and looks to Olivia. "And you are okay too, Olivia?" she asks her lyrically accented English. Declan and Olivia joke that August will grow up bi-lingual and be able to teach _them_ Portuguese before she goes to kindergarten.

Olivia smiles at her. "I'm fine, Mariclair, just tired. Thank you so much for taking care of both children all evening. It was a big help. Did Eli go to sleep all right for you?"

"Yes, he's in the extra bed in Augusts' room." She smiles at the memory of the little boy telling her that he'd watch the baby for her all night so she could get some sleep. "He asked about his mama and I told him he'd see her tomorrow. I hope that was okay?"

"That was perfect, Mariclair."

Olivia goes quietly into her daughter's room to check on the two sleeping children. Eli is sprawled out in the single bed they have in the room for when August is older. He clutches a stuffed bear, a substitute for the raggedy dog he sleeps with at home. She pulls the blanket up over him and brushes his dark curls off his face. It's like looking at a miniature Elliot sleeping there and she feels a chill run up her spine at the thought of his father, unconscious in a hospital bed.

Moving over to the crib, she stares down at her tiny daughter, sleeping, as usual, on her stomach with her butt up in the air. Her dark hair spreads out like a silky fan around her. Everyone comments on how much the baby looks just like her mother, but occasionally, Olivia catches glimpses of her father in her too, especially in the set of her jaw when she's not happy about something. She bends over to stroke her back, and then impulsively scoops her up and holds her. August stirs but doesn't fully waken, automatically snuggling into the spot between her mother's neck and shoulder. Olivia takes her over to the rocking chair and sits down to slowly rock, burying her face in her baby's hair. Declan comes to the door to tell her that he's drawn a bath for her, but when he sees Olivia and August in the chair, he leaves without saying a word.

_Elliot struggles to open his eyes, but it's so hard. Everything hurts; especially his chest which feels like it's on fire. He finally manages to open his eyes but sees nothing but white. As his focus gradually sharpens, he makes out acoustical tiles on the ceiling, a curtain hanging around him. He hears a low hums and beeps and realizes he's in a hospital. He lifts his head to look around him but it's too difficult—his head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds so he lies back and takes inventory. An oxygen mask is over his face, IV's in his arm, his chest is wrapped tightly and hell, it hurts there. There is something pinching his finger, and—someone holding his hand. He turns his head to the side—that much he can manage- and sees his wife, her head resting on the side of his bed, sound asleep, grasping his hand in hers. He is comforted by this sight and lets the darkness wash over him again. _

Shortly after dawn, Kathy is awakened when a nurse comes to check Elliot's vitals. She sits up, stretching—_how long was I asleep? _She looks at her husband and is relieved to see that his color is better and he somehow looks like he is resting more comfortably. He looks—just asleep—instead of unconscious.

"Why don't you try talking to him"? Suggests the nurse, once she has finished all of the things on her checklist. "He needs to be waking up soon."

Kathy stands and moves up the bed, bending his forehead. "Elliot?" she says softly. "Elliot, can you wake up for me, babe?" There is no response, but as she persists, stroking his cheek and calling his name, his eyelids begin to flutter. It takes a few tries, but then there they are, those intense blue eyes, looking up at her, confused and hazy.

"You're in the hospital," she tells him. He looks around, and then his eyes lock on hers.

"Olivia?" he asks. His voice is hoarse and weak, but she can understand him.

"Olivia is fine, babe, you saved her life," Kathy tells him, squeezing his hand. He closes his eyes again, remembering. He winces, and brings his hand up to touch his wrapped chest.

"You were shot," his wife explains. "You had surgery yesterday to repair the damage, but you're doing great, Elliot. You'll be fine in no time."

She can tell by the look in his eyes he is doubtful. "Where…are the…kids?" he croaks through the oxygen mask.

"Eli is at Olivia's, and Maureen and Kathleen took the twins to their apartment. They were all here last night, but the doctor wouldn't let anyone else in to see you, so I sent them home."

Elliot nods his understanding. "Don't want…them to see me…like this," he gets out.

"Well, I don't think you have a choice," she smiles down at him. "They practically had to drag Kathleen out of her last night. They'll be back today and they're not going to take no for an answer."

He makes a face but doesn't try to speak again. "Everyone was here all day yesterday until they knew you were okay," she tells him softly. "The Captain, Olivia, Declan, John and Fin, even Melinda. There were more c ops in this hospital than at One PP."

He gives her a weak smile. She sits back down next to the bed, still holding his hand. She brings it to her mouth, kissing it. "I was so afraid, Elliot," she whispers. "When I looked up in my class and saw Olivia in the doorway….it was like all of my worst nightmares about you on the job were coming true."

"I'll be okay," he whispers hoarsely. She nods, still gripping his hand.

"But what if you…hadn't….oh, Elliot, can't even stand to think about it." She's crying now, despite all of her determination not to upset him.

"All I could think…" he says, each work an effort "about was you and the kids. How stupid I was…to go…for that…gun."

"Why did you?" She asks, sniffling. "El, you've always told me that's the dumbest thing to do."

"I...saw…in his eyes…he was going…to pull….the trigger," he chokes out. "And I couldn't….let him…take Augusts' mother…away…from her."

Kathy sits back, still holding his hand, stunned. _This was all about Olivia's baby?_ Her stomach churns at the idea that Elliot put her before their own five children. The thought of Olivia being killed is too horrible to contemplate but the fact that Elliot put her child first stings like salt water in a wound.

The nurse comes back in. "Well, you're awake," she says, coming to take his pulse on the wrist of the arm Kathy isn't clinging to. "Are you in a lot of pain?"

Elliot shrugs and then winces. Even that small movement hurts. The nurse chuckles. "Ah, another stoic cop. Let me get the doctor in here and we'll get you something for the pain."


	5. Chapter 5

Doubts

As promised, Dr. Templeton arrives within a few minutes to check on Elliot. He reviews his chart and asks him a few questions, and goes over the details of his injuries again. Elliot listens intently, and then asks: "Will I make a full recovery? How long before I can return to work?"

The doctor looks at him for a long moment, choosing his words carefully. "We won't know that for awhile, Detective. You sustained an injury to a major vessel connected to the heart. That could heal up perfectly, or cause you problems for the rest of your life. The most important thing right now is that you rest, and heal. That's the only job you need to worry about for awhile."

Elliot looks away but the doctor continues. "We're going to set you up with a self-controlled morphine drip. You decide how much and how often to use it. It won't let you exceed the maximum dosage, but we find that patients use less than if we administer it every four hours. However," and here he stops to look at Elliot sternly, "you have to use it when you need it. If you're in pain, your body will be stressed and won't heal as quickly. If the nurses think you're not using it when you need it they'll tell me and we'll change to administering it on a schedule."

Elliot nods. Kathy looks at him and raises her eyebrows, as if to remind him that she'll make sure he uses it as often as he should.

"If you continue to remain in stable condition, we'll move you to a regular floor in a day or two," Templeton continues. "But for now at least, I'm going to keep you in the ICU. You're not out of the woods yet."

The nurse comes to the corner of the curtained off cubicle. "Mrs. Stabler? Detective Benson is here and would like to see you when you have a chance."

The doctor stands up to leave himself. "I'll be stopping by several times a day to check on you. If either of you have any questions that can't wait until then, one of the nurses will page me." He pauses and looks down at Elliot. "You're a very lucky man, Detective Stabler. Your team checked the bleeding and got you here quickly. You might have had a different outcome if they hadn't." He nods at Kathy and is gone.

Kathy stands and bends down to give Elliot a quick kiss. "Let me go talk to Olivia for a minute," she says. "And then I'll be right back."

The nurse comes in pushing the machine to control the morphine drip. "You should go home and get some rest, Mrs. Stabler, "she tells her. "You can't have been very comfortable in that chair last night, and this morphine is going to put him right back to sleep." She looks down at Elliot with her eyebrows raised. "And I am going to make sure you're using it when you should, Mister Tough Guy." Elliot tries to chuckle and then grimaces at the pain the movement causes. The nurse turns to Kathy. "Why don't you come back this afternoon with your children, they can come in for a short visit then. He'll be more rested by then."

Kathy looks unsure. "I'm going to be on all day," The nurse assures her. "I promise I'll call you if anything changes or he needs you."

"Go," Elliot urges from the bed. He is starting to look gray again and his eyes are half closed with fatigue. "Eli is going to be missing you, get some sleep and go get him. Maureen can stay at the house with him."

Kathy nods and kisses him again. She lingers, stroking the side of his face. "I love you," she whispers softly.

He gives her a weary smile. "I love you too, babe." His eyes are closed before she reaches the end of the curtain.

* * *

Olivia is pacing in the lounge when Kathy comes out. "How is he?" she asks as soon as she sees her. "Is he awake? What did he say?"

Kathy notes that Olivia has obviously changed and showered, but has dark circles under her eyes as if she hasn't slept much. "He woke up just a little while ago," she tells her, "He's in a lot of pain, but the doctor says he's stable and might be able to move to a regular floor in a few days. They're giving him something for the pain now and he'll go back to sleep."

Olivia nods, and looks relieved. "So, he's going to be okay?"

Kathy shrugs. She is suddenly exhausted, so tired she can barely keep her eyes open. All of the adrenaline that has kept her going for the past 24 hours is gone and she feels like she could sleep for a week. "Time will tell," she says simply. She looks around the room, distracted. "I need to call the kids, and go home to sleep for a bit, and get Eli…"

"Eli's fine," Olivia reassures her. 'When I left, he was feeding pancakes to August. Mariclair said she's more than happy to watch him for as long as you need her."

Kathy gives her a wan smile. "That's nice of her, but he should be home, in his own bed tonight. Let me talk to the kids and we'll work something out." What she doesn't say is what she is thinking: _He should be with his real siblings, not this half-sister no one knows about._ She immediately mentally chastens herself. _None of this is Olivia's fault. This was whole mess was my idea in the first place. And look how it's turned out!_

Olivia looks disappointed, but she nods. Being responsible for Eli at least makes her feel like she is doing _something_ to help but she understands why Kathy would want him at home.

"I just talked to Captain Cragen," she tells Kathy. "He's on his way up; I'm sure he'd give you a ride home. And I'll stay here and wait until you get back."

Kathy looks at her doubtfully. "The nurse said he'll probably sleep until this afternoon," she says slowly. "But I would feel better if I knew someone was here if he needs anything." She would prefer, of course, that that someone be _her_, but she also knows that if she doesn't get some rest soon, she'll be no good to anyone.

When Cragen comes into the lounge, carrying a tray of coffee, Kathy is on the phone talking to her older children. They are relieved to hear their father is awake and talking, but disappointed to not be able to see him immediately.

"He's got to rest," Kathy reminds them. "The medicine is going to knock him out until later anyway." She talks to Maureen and they make arrangements for her to drive the twins home to shower and change in a few hours, and then they'll all come back to the hospital together. Then Kathy will stay and… Kathy covers the phone for a minute and asks Olivia: "Do you think you could get Eli back up here to the hospital later?" she asks. Olivia nods and Kathy finishes her discussion with Maureen, who agrees to take all of her younger siblings back to the house in Queens after their visit and stay with them there until Kathy returns.

"I'll make arrangements to have dinner delivered," says Cragen when she gets off the phone. "So you don't have to worry about that. Just tell me what they like and I'll take care of it."

"Thanks, Don," says Kathy with a tired smile. "I don't know what I'd do without all of you helping."

She gives Olivia a quick hug. "Thank you," she says simply. She's too tired to go into anything else right then.

* * *

Kathy is quiet in the car on the ride home. Cragen assumes she is tired and gives up on making conversation, but in reality, Kathy is still reeling from her husband's words. "I couldn't let him take Augusts' mother away from her." _What have we done?_ She'd known it would be hard for Elliot to distance himself from this baby, but he had seemed to manage, especially once Declan and Olivia had married and he knew they were a stable family. She'd watched him hold August countless times over the past nine months without ever seeming unduly interested in or attached to her. But now, here he was, putting his life in jeopardy because he didn't want his baby girl to be without her mother. Elliot, who always worked so hard to keep personal feelings out of the decisions he made on the job, had now let something personal almost cost him his life. _What have we done?_

_

* * *

_

Olivia sits in the waiting room, alternating between flipping through magazines without registering the content of the pages and pacing the floor. She wants to be doing something, anything, but all she can do is wait. She goes to the nurse's station and reminds them for the third time that she is here, and that if Detective Stabler wakes and is up to it, she'd like to see him.

Shortly after two p.m, a short stocky nurse comes out to tell her that Detective Stabler is awake and that she can come for a visit. "Just a _few_ minutes," she emphasizes. "He's still in serious condition and he needs to rest."

Olivia nods and follows the nurse through the dim depths of the ICU until they reach Elliot's bed. He's awake, with the head of the bed propped up and sipping water from a straw in a cup held by another nurse. He gives Olivia a weak smile when he sees her.

"You look like shit," she tells him, taking the seat next to his bed.

"Nice to see you too," he drawls in return.

Olivia draws the chair up closer to the bed. "You ruined one of my favorite shirts by bleeding all over it," she tells him in mock anger.

"Send me the bill," he responds. The nurse looks at the two of the curiously and sets the cup down on the nightstand. "Call me if you need anything," she instructs Elliot, and to Olivia: "Just a few minutes, now. He needs to rest."

Alone, they look at each other a long minute. Elliot is the first to look away, fiddling with the tube to one of his IV's.

"Elliot, I'm so sorry," Olivia begins. "I never should have gone in that building alone. I put you and Fin in a terrible position."

Elliot turns to look at her. "Why did you go in, Liv? Why didn't you wait for me?" His eyes are dark and brooding. He looks-angry.

She realizes that he, out of everyone, hasn't heard the whole story, doesn't know what happened. "When I got there, I was casing the outside of the building and I heard a child crying. I thought he had another little girl in there."

"You should have waited." Elliot says again.

"I know that now," Olivia snaps. "But at the time, all I could think was that he was hurting another child the way he had all those others, and I couldn't wait another second. He was waiting for me inside the door—he had a surveillance camera on the outside of the building that I didn't spot. He hit me with something and had my gun before I even knew he was there."

Elliot shakes his head. "What a pair of fuck-ups we are," he says, laying his back against the pillow and closing his eyes in disgust. "You don't wait for back up and I grab at a man holding a gun."

"Why, El?" she asks softly. Now it is his turn to snap.

"I saw the look in his eyes, Liv. He was going to take you down with him. He had nothing to lose and he didn't care. And I didn't want August to have to grow up without her mother. I couldn't stand that."

Olivia stares at him, shocked into silence. _August?_ He was thinking about _August_?

At the sound of raised voices, the nurse comes back to the edge of Elliot's bed. "Okay, that's enough for now. Detective Stabler needs to rest." She glares at Olivia until she stands up and returns the chair to its original position. "I'll be right outside," she tells Elliot awkwardly. "If you need anything…"

"I'll be fine," he snaps. She knows it's himself that he's mad at, but still, his tone hurts. "Kathy will be back later."

Olivia nods slowly, recognizing that she has been dismissed. He is angry that their situation has caused him to screw up, that the connection they never talk about, the little girl that they conceived together, has caused him to make an error in judgment. It's gotten too personal.

"Take care, El," she says, squeezing his foot as she passes by. She holds her head high and blinks back tears so that the nurses at the station don't see her crying as she passes by. _What have we done?_


	6. Chapter 6

Family

When Kathy and the kids get back to the hospital shortly after four, Olivia is not in the waiting room. She expects to find her at Elliot's bedside, but the nurse at the desk tells her that she left a few hours ago. Kathy is surprised: Olivia promised to stay until she returned, but maybe she was needed at the station. She can only imagine the paperwork to be completed when an officer is shot in the line of duty.

The nurse looks at the four Stabler children standing in front of her. "I'm only supposed to let two visitors in at a time," she tells them. "But if you promise to keep quiet so you don't disturb the other patients, I'll let you all in at once." They all nod their agreement and Kathy is relieved; she didn't want to have to decide who got to go first. They are all anxious to see for themselves that their father is okay.

"Let me go in first and see if he's awake," Kathy tells them. Kathleen groans, impatient to see her father, but after Maureen shoots her a glare, she flounces over to a chair, throws herself down and pulls out her cell phone. Dick gives her a look. She sighs dramatically and puts it away.

Kathy finds Elliot propped up in his bed, his eyes closed. She is standing at the side of the bed, deciding whether to wake him or let him sleep and risk a meltdown from Kathleen when his eyes open and he smiles at her. "Hey," he says softly. "You're back." She smiles back and bends to kiss him. His lips are dry and chapped and she makes a mental note to bring in some lip balm. He smells like a hospital, rubbing alcohol, betadine, other medical odors she can't identify. But he feels like her husband.

"Are you ready to face your offspring?" she asks lightly. "It's been tough holding them off this long."

He grimaces. "I wish they didn't have to see me like this."

Kathy nods at his contraption to dole out pain medication. "Are you using that? Do you need to push it before they come in?"

He shakes his head, "Nah, I'm good. I want to be awake. Bring 'em on." As she turns to leave to go get the anxious kids, he calls to her: "Kath?" She turns and looks at him. He looks very vulnerable when he asks quietly: "Can you…stay with me again tonight? Do you think Eli will be okay with the other kids?"

She smiles at him. It's not often that her big bad cop shows his weak side. She feels a rush of love, and gratitude that he's even alive to show it. "He'll be fine. He'll be so excited to see Maureen and Kathleen he won't even notice we're gone."

The kids are good to their word, tiptoeing past the other cubicles noiselessly. They fill up the small area around their father's bed, the twins on one side, the older girls on the other. Kathleen gets to her father first. She looks him over first to see where it's safe to touch him and then wraps her arms around his neck.

"I was so worried about you, Daddy," she sobs. He pats the back of her head and stifles a laugh when he sees Maureen rolling her eyes behind her sister. "Drama queen" she mouths to her father and they share a silent laugh.

Kathy stands at the foot of the bed, watching as each of the kids hug their father. He's been hurt on the job more times than she likes to think about, and they've all gotten used to it happening, but this is so much more serious.

"I'm going to go outside to call Olivia and see when she can bring Eli up, "she tells them all. "Behave while I'm gone." For this she is rewarded with four simultaneous eye rolls and two groans of disgust. She laughs to herself as she makes her way out to the waiting area and pulls out her cell phone.

Olivia doesn't answer her cell phone, which is odd, so Kathy tries their apartment. No answer there either. She doesn't know Declan's cell phone number and feels strange about calling the precinct to track him down. Maybe Olivia is on her way to the hospital and can't answer the phone because she's driving.

She goes back to the I.C.U. just in time to hear Dick say "So you saved Olivia's life, Dad? That's cool—you're a hero." Elliot frowns at his words. "It was complicated, Dick," he answers slowly, "and from what the doctor says, Liv and Fin saved mine, so we're even. Don't make a big deal out of it."

Kathy can see that he's already tired out and in pain. She reaches past the twins to press the button on his morphine drip. He shoots her a look, but she meets it with one of her own. This is no time to be macho.

"I think we need to let your father rest," Kathy tells the kids. They groan, but they can see for themselves that he is in no condition for visitors. "Let's go out to the waiting room and I'll try Olivia again." She turns back to Elliot, a frown on her face. "What about Eli? Should I bring him in to see you so he knows you're alright?" Elliot is shaking his head no before she even finishes her sentence. "But he's going to wonder where are you are, El. Maybe if he sees you..."

Elliot's eyes are already drooping from the morphine. "No,' he slurs, and waves his hand around at all of the equipment. "All of this will just confuse him. Tell him..." He's gone, already asleep.

Sobered to see their invincible father so wiped out, the kids leave without further protest.

* * *

Olivia and Mariclair are at the playground with the children. It is one of those rare February days when the sun is out and the promise of spring is in the air. When she left the hospital, shaken and fighting tears, the warm air and sunshine filled her with a desire to be outside. Cragen had forbidden her to show her face at the precinct today, insisting she take the day off to recoup so she'd driven back to the apartment and the au pair had helped her bundle the two kids up to go to the park.

They're on the swings now, August in a baby harness and Eli in a "big boy" swing next to her. She and Mariclair push them from the front so they can see the look of delight on their faces. She studies them both, side by side, two dark haired children.

"Do you think they look anything alike?" she asks Mariclair impulsively. The au pair looks at her in surprise and then turns to examine the kids. "Maybe in coloring," she says softly after a minute. "But August—she looks just like you with those brown eyes. And Eli—he is—how do you say it?-the spitting image of his daddy."

Olivia nods. No one ever says anything about Augusts' conception anymore. Now that Declan is in the picture, it's as if he was always her father. She and Kathy and Elliot certainly never talk about it. It's been almost possible to-forget what happened. To realize that Elliot still thinks of Aug protectively, as if she's his own child, is disconcerting. They'd all been so sure that this whole scheme could work; that he could father this child and forget about it, that she and Elliot could remain partners without compromising their work ethic. She realizes, with a cold chill, that they were wrong.

She glances at her watch. Kathy will be expecting them at the hospital. "Eli, would you like to go see your mom?" she calls and the little boy's face lights up. He starts to try to wiggle off the swing before it has stopped. "Hold on," she laughs, and goes to help him.


	7. Chapter 7

Arrangements

Kathy is relieved when her cell phone finally rings and it is Olivia. "I'm sorry," she says, sounding out of breath. "We took the kids to the park and I left my phone in the car." Kathy frowns. Elliot and Olivia are never without their phones. She has often threatened to flush her husband's down the toilet, only half in jest. "Let me just drop Mariclair and August back at the apartment and I'll bring Eli right up, ok? He can't wait to see you." She hears Eli squealing "Is that my mommy?" in the background and smiles. She is relieved that Olivia won't be bringing August with her. As much as she adores the little girl, she doesn't want to see her right now. She is a very concrete reminder of the mess they are all in.

She goes to sit with the children. Elliot is going to be asleep for awhile and they need to make plans. "You heard your father, he doesn't want Eli to see him here." she says.

Dick nods in agreement. "I think it would freak him out, to see Dad like that." He says soberly. The kids are all subdued now, and she knows they're worried about their father.

"Your dad is going to be okay," she tells them, looking them each in the eye, one by one. "He's a fighter, you know he is. He's too stubborn to let something like this keep him down for long." They laugh, if there is one thing they can all agree on, this would be it. Their father can be a stubborn pain in the neck when he puts his mind to something. "We just need to pull together and get through these next few weeks."

"We'll do whatever we can to help, Mom" says Maureen. "I can stay at the house with the kids. You stay here with Dad. He needs you." Lizzie and Dick bristle at being referred to as "the kids" but they chime in with their agreement.

"You'll be okay if I stay here tonight with your dad?" she asks. "I don't know how Eli is going to handle this."

"He'll be fine, Mom," says Lizzie firmly. "Yeah, we can handle the Munchkin," adds Dick.

"Yes, you need to stay here with Dad," Kathleen pipes in. "We'll be fine."

They hang out in the lounge until Olivia arrives with Eli. He's so excited when he sees them all together that he doesn't know who to hug first. He goes to Kathy to be picked up, but after giving her a sloppy kiss, wiggles down and runs to Maureen. He adores his big sisters, and the fact that he doesn't seem the often makes them even more appealing.

"I sleeped at Augusts' house last night!" he tells his sister proudly.

"I heard! And guess what? I'm sleeping at your house tonight! Me and Kathleen both."

He squeals with delight at this. He's so excited he doesn't know which way to turn. After a minute or two, it dawns on him that his whole family is in the room, with one exception.

"Where's Daddy? I wanna tell him I sleeped at Augusts' house." He demands, looking around. Everyone falls silent. Kathy goes over to pick him up and takes him to sit in her lap on a nearby chair.

"Daddy's sick right now, sweetie," she tells him softly. She strokes his dark curls, sweaty from all of the running around. She points back toward the door of the I.C.U. "He's in a bed in the other room."

Eli struggles to get down. "I wanna go see him," he says. Kathy grabs him and gently pulls him back on her lap. "He's sleeping right now, sweetie, so you can't go in. He's going to need to stay here for awhile until he gets better. But you'll be able to see him in a day or two. Just not right now, he needs to sleep so he can get better."

Eli looks at her with big eyes. This is a new concept. Elliot is often away from home, but never sick. "How'd he get sick?" he asks suspiciously. "Why can't he be sick at HOME?" His bottom lip is quivering dangerously now.

"He got hurt at work, "Kathy tells him, kissing him on the forehead. "And he has to stay here so the doctors and nurses can make him all better. Then he'll come home."

He looks at her doubtfully. "I don't want him to be sick here all alone."

Kathy pulls him close for a hug. "He won't be alone; I'm going to stay with him tonight. And the girls will stay with you at our house, won't that be fun?"

Maureen comes over and kneels down next to her brothers. "You know what, Eli? When we get home, we can make Daddy a get-well card, and tomorrow we can bring it up for the nurses to give him, ok?"He is looking somewhat entranced by this idea. "We can even use glitter." Maureen adds as a final enticement.

"Okay," he says, slipping off Kathy's lap. "Can we go now?"

Everyone in the room chuckles with relief. Olivia has been standing aside, watching at the easy way that Kathy handles her children. She wonders if she will ever feel that confident with August. Truth be told, she's very glad she has Mariclair, who has taken care of young children before. The au pair never oversteps her authority, but she has a tactful way of letting Olivia know what August needs without making her feel like an idiot.

Kathy stands to walk them to the door, giving each of the kids a hug before they leave. "Thank you for taking care of everything," she says to her oldest daughter, holding her for a second longer. "Captain Cragen is dropping dinner off; it will probably be there when you get home."

"Call us in the morning," Maureen tells her. "I can come and get you when you're ready to come home."

"I can bring her home in the morning," Olivia interjects. "You guys head downstairs, I want to talk to your mom for a minute." She hands Dick her car keys. "I parked right near your van; you can get Eli's car seat out for me."

They watch the kids head for the elevator. Dick scoops Eli up and puts him on his shoulders, making his brother squeal with delight.

* * *

"So, how is he?" Olivia asks when the elevator has closed behind them. She turns to look at her and Kathy sees how tired Liv looks. The circles under her eyes have darkened and there are worry lines etched in her forehead. She hasn't looked in a mirror herself all day, but she imagines it is pretty much how she herself appears.

"He's still in pain," Kathy tells her. "He asked me to stay with him tonight." They are both know how rarely Elliot admits to needing anything. "How are _you _doing?" she asks gently.

Olivia shrugs and her eyes tear up. "He blames me, Kathy."

"You talked to him?" This is news to Kathy and for a moment, she feels a flash of anger that Olivia has intruded on her husband when he so obviously needs quiet. Immediately, her anger subsides. Of course Olivia wanted to, needed to see him. "Did he actually _say_ that?"

"He said we were both fuck-ups," said Olivia bitterly. "And he's right. Except that he only fucked up because…" she stops suddenly, realizing that Elliot might not have told Kathy what was on his mind when he made that colossal error.

"Because he was thinking of August," says Kathy calmly. There, it's out in the open. They haven't spoken of how August was conceived in almost a year. Olivia looks at her, her dark eyes wide and confused. "I guess we all underestimated how difficult this would be for him."

Olivia nods. She's relieved to have it out in the open too. "I had no idea…that he…" her voice trails off miserably.

"I know," said Kathy. "Neither did I."

* * *

Kathy walks back into the I.C.U. and nodding at the nurses at the central desk, makes her way to her husband's bed. A nurse is just finishing up changing his bandages and his face looks taut with pain. Beads of sweat dot his forehead. Kathy reaches for a washcloth from the bedside table and takes it to the small sink in the corner to get it wet. She dabs at his face gently, the way she would for one of the kids when they are sick. He gives her a weak smile. She nods toward the morphine regulator and he sighs but reaches to push the button.

"Where are the kids?" he asks hoarsely. She tells him they've gone home, and how Eli was determined to march into the I.C.U. to see his father until Maureen distracted him with the promise of making a big mess back at home. He chuckles, and winces.

"You've got to concentrate on getting better," she tells him, "so you can get moved to a room where he can see you. I'm not going to be able to put him off much longer. He wants his dad."

Elliot nods. His eyelids are already growing heavy again. "Lie down with me," he says softly, patting the bed next to him. Kathy looks over her shoulder to the nurse's station. They are all busy elsewhere.

"I don't think the nurses will be too happy about…" she starts to say.

"Screw the nurses," he growls .She laughs softly and gingerly climbs onto the bed, on the side opposite his I.V.'s and monitors, careful not to bump him anywhere. She stretches out on her side and puts her hand on his bare shoulder, the only spot she dares to touch, to anchor herself. It's a narrow bed and he takes up most of it. She puts her head on the pillow next to his and closes her eyes. It's not quite seven o'clock but she's exhausted, having only grabbed a few hours of sleep before the kids came home.

"That's better," he murmurs, already half asleep.

Nurse Alice comes by a few minutes later to offer Kathy a sandwich and finds the pair sound asleep in the narrow bed. She stands there for a second, shaking her head. This is totally against the rules; they never allow relatives to even stay overnight in the I.C.U., let alone in the same bed, but Dr. Templeton was firm in his instruction to allow it this time. She has to admit, he is calmer when his wife is with him; his vital signs improve dramatically. She sighs and goes on to the next patient.


	8. Chapter 8

Complications

Kathy is awakened by Elliot thrashing and moaning next to her. Disoriented, at first she thinks they're home in their own bed and he's having a nightmare but then the harsh reality of their surroundings snap into focus. She groggily gets up out of the bed; stiff from lying on her side on the thin hospital mattress. Looking down at him, she sees that his face is flushed and sweaty. "Elliot," she whispers softly but he doesn't respond, just continues to moan and move his head restlessly on his pillow. Putting a hand to his forehead, she realizes with a start that he's burning up. This isn't a nightmare, he has a fever.

She goes to the nurses' station. By the clock on the wall behind the desk, it's a little after midnight.

"I think my husband has a fever," she tells the young nurse sitting at a computer. She's seen this nurse before but can't remember her name. "He's really hot."

The nurse gets up and follows her into Elliot's cubicle. She lays the back of her wrist against his forehead and frowns. Opening a drawer in the equipment stand next to his bed, she pulls out an ear thermometer. When she inserts it, he tries to pull his head away, but still doesn't wake. When it beeps, her frown deepens as she looks at the readout. "104.5" She tells Kathy. "I'll give Dr. Templeton a call."

Bleary-eyed, Kathy gets another washcloth, runs it under cool water and sponges his face and neck. He calms a little at her touch, but still doesn't open his eyes or respond when she talks to him.

Dr. Templeton is there within minutes; evidently already called in to the hospital for another case. He flips open Elliot's chart for a quick review and then moves to the bed to examine him. Kathy has to turn away when he lifts the bandage off his chest, just a brief glimpse of the angry red incision on her husband's body makes her want to cry.

"Is it his heart?" Kathy asks anxiously.

"He has an infection, which is pretty common after an invasive injury. We've had him on a broad spectrum antibiotic as a preventative measure, which evidently wasn't enough. I'm going to order blood work and cultures to see if we can pin down the bacteria and find a better match. "

"How long will that take?"

"It takes at least twenty-four hours to grow a bacterial culture. In the meantime, we'll give him something to bring the fever down and start a second antibiotic." His eyes meet Kathy's and his expression is somber. "This complicates his situation, Mrs. Stabler. He's in very serious condition. I won't say critical yet, but if he doesn't respond to antibiotics, he will be. No more visitors, other than you. I know your children want to see him, but he needs absolute rest and quiet."

Kathy nods, her mind racing_. Elliot in critical condition?_ She has been so busy for the past 48 hours she has barely had time to think; but the now the possibility that her husband could actually die is staring her in the face. She can't imagine a life without him in it.

Templeton sees the distress on her face and puts a comforting hand on her arm. "Your husband is a strong man, in excellent health before this happened. I know you're probably imaging the worst right now, but don't. He's going to need your strength and positive attitude." He pauses and goes on, "We never allow family members to stay in this unit with patients, but the nurses have all told me how much better he does when you're here. Are you able to continue with that?"

Kathy's mind is racing, thinking of the kids. At 24, Maureen is certainly mature enough to take care of the family for awhile, but she has her own job and life to think about. It may be time to take people up on their officers of help; she knows that Olivia and Cragen and the other members of the SVU team will do anything in their power to support them through this.

"Yes, of course," she says. "I'll be here as long as he needs me."

Shortly after Templeton leaves, a technician comes in to draw blood. Elliot barely stirs when he inserts the needle in his arm. Kathy has to look away again when he takes a sample from the drainage tube coming out of the bandages on his chest. She is standing at the bedside, looking down at his restless form when the young nurse comes back to inject medicine into his I.V. "Ibuprofen for the fever," she explains when she sees Kathy watching. "And a second antibiotic."

She starts to leave and then stops, turns and says "Pardon me saying so, but you look like hell." Kathy gives a short burst of laughter. The nurse smiles and says, "I'm sorry, that was blunt, wasn't it? —what I'm trying to say is, let me show you where the staff lounge is. If you'd like to clean up, get a cup of coffee and a snack—you'll feel better. It looks like you're in for a long haul."

Kathy gratefully accepts her offer and follows her down the hall to a small area. There is a break room with a mini-kitchen, lockers for storage, and a bathroom with a shower. The nurse, who introduces herself as Julie, tells her to help herself to anything in the refrigerator that isn't marked with a personal name. "People get testy if you eat their lunches," she says with a grin, "but everything else is in there to share." She gives Kathy a quick pat on the shoulder and heads back to the floor.

She goes into the bathroom first to splash water on her face. Looking in the mirror, she sees that Julie was right—she does look like hell. There are circles under her eyes and lines on her face she swears weren't there a few days ago. Her hair looks as tired and listless as she feels. She uses her finger to brush her teeth with a dab of paste from tube someone has left on the sink, and runs her fingers through her hair in an effort to make it look presentable but quickly gives up. How she looks isn't important today.

In the kitchen, she makes a mug of tea. Her stomach can't handle coffee right now. She's just sitting down with the tea and a muffin from a box on the counter when a man comes in and looks at her curiously. His name tag identifies him as Kevin. "Julie said I could come in here," Kathy mumbles when she's swallowed a bite of muffin. He nods, and pouring a cup of coffee from the machine on the counter, he comes to sit at the table with her.

"You're the wife of that cop who got shot, aren't you?" he asks. Kathy nods, not trusting herself to speak. "I'm sorry," he continues. "That has to be rough."

Feeling like an idiot, Kathy just nods again. She is so tired, and her nerves are on edge. She doesn't want to start crying in front of this poor man who is just trying to be nice. She finishes up the muffin and picks up her mug of tea. "Will they let me take this back in the I.C.U?" she asks him.

He shrugs. "I doubt anyone will say anything. Go for it." He gives her a kind smile. "Good luck. I work over in the O.R.-if there's anything you need, just ask for Kevin."

"Thank you," she says, touched by his generous offer.

She heads back to Elliot's bedside. He is still asleep, but seems to be resting more comfortable, no longer tossing and turning, although there is a frown on his face, as if he is dreaming of something that troubles him. She takes the damp cloth and wipes his forehead, which is still warm, but slightly less so than earlier. His face relaxes somewhat. Someone has moved a recliner into the area while she was gone and she settles into it gratefully with her cup of tea.

* * *

Across the city, Olivia is going through her own private hell. She lies in bed wide wake next to Declan who is softly snoring. Captain Cragen had called around 8 pm to tell her that she needed to come into the precinct tomorrow morning at 9 am for a meeting with IAB. He sounded tired and discouraged as he told her. "I'm sorry to put you through this right now, Olivia. Tucker is making noises about you shooting the perp in retaliation for Elliot."

"Captain, he had a gun aimed at me!" Olivia says, incredulous.

"I know, Liv, but at this point, it's only your word. There's no forensics or witnesses to back it up." This is true; Fin hadn't arrived in the room until after the two shootings, and the gun had dropped out of Bertolli's hand when he hit the floor. His prints, of course, were on the gun, but they would have been from his struggle with Elliot.

"This is bullshit, Captain," she retorts.

"I know," he says again. "Just stay calm and tell him exactly what happened. They can't prove what isn't true."

Olivia isn't so sure about that. Tucker has been out to get her and Elliot for years; nothing would make him happier than to find her guilty of a wrongful shooting and get her thrown off the force.

Declan had been outraged when she told him, and insisting that she have a union rep present for the meeting. Olivia refused. She's dealt with Tucker and IAB many times over the years and can handle him. A union rep will just make it look worse than it already is.

Now she lies awake, her mind racing. Her partner and best friend is lying in the I.C.U. in serious condition. His wife- her other best friend is going through hell right now. It's all due to her actions—and, evidently, at least in part, due to the existence of her beautiful baby girl sleeping in the next room. She's killed a man, something that is part of the job but an action she never takes lightly. The look in his eyes as he raised the gun will haunt her for a long, long, time.

She wonders if she is cut out to do this job anymore. For years, she and Elliot have butted heads when she felt that his personal experiences as a parent affected his decisions on the job. Now that she's a mother, she finds herself doing the same thing. Maybe it's time for a change. Maybe it's time to put some distance between her and Elliot so they can all forget about how closely they are really connected through August.

She turns to look at Declan. He is sleeping peacefully, his face turned toward her, his dark hair a rumpled contrast to the neat style he wears during the day. Would he consider moving? His family is all here in the city. It's been an adjustment for Olivia, an only child with no extended family, to be included in his very large family gatherings. His parents and siblings have accepted her with open arms and they all adore August. No, she can't ask him to move away from them all.

She can't imagine not working with victims anymore. It's become her life's passions; her personal way of righting the wrong that was done to her mother. There is a foundation, started by an actress that plays a detective on television, which raises awareness of sexual assault and the issues she deals with daily on the job. Could she work in the private sector? Would it have the same level of satisfaction for her? Every time she helps put a rapist behind bars, she feels a tiny bit of vindication for what her mother went through.

Sighing, she decides to get up. There's no way she's going to sleep and she doesn't want to risk waking Dec with her tossing and turning. One of them should get some rest. She walks to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and sits sipping it at the table, lost in thoughts.

When the phone rings shortly after five a.m., she's awake and grabs it before it wakes anyone else up. Her heart pounds; calls this early never mean anything good. As she fears, it's Kathy.


	9. Chapter 9

**_A/N: Happy 50th birthday, Chris Meloni! Without you, we wouldn't have such a great source of inspiration for much of the great SVU fanfic out there! And one last plug for his birthday fundraiser-we've raised over $1500 in his name for one of his favorite causes, the Butler Child Advocacy Center in the Bronx. The Butler Center serves children who have been victim of neglect and abuse. The money raised for his birthday will go toward the Moving Mountains Project, which will specifically serve children with disabilities, who are 3x more likely to be abused. For more information on the Center and how to donate, visit: http: /6673tv2 (must close the space in the link for it to work) The donation link will be open until April 30,2011. Chris has been acknowledging donations received with a personally autographed photograph to the donor._**

Crisis

I'm sorry to call so early," Kathy begins when Olivia answers the phone. Her voice is hoarse.

"Is everything okay?" Oliva asks "Is Elliot...?" her voice trails off. She can't voice the question.

"He's asleep right now—that's why I'm calling so early—I don't want to leave him for along. There's been a complication," Kathy says and then bursts into tears. "Olivia, I'm so scared," she sobs "He has an infection and they can't find an antiobiotic that works and he's running a really high fever. It comes down for an hour or so when they give him medicine, but then it goes right back up."

"Kathy, I'll be right there,"promises Olivia. "Hang on, I'll be right there."

"No," Kathy says, still crying but softly now. "There's nothing you can do here, Liv. They won't let anyone but me in to see him. But I'm worried about the kids—I don't want to leave here but they're all alone. Can you go check on them later?"

"Of course I will," Olivia says. She's already carrying the phone into the bedroom to search for clothes. She keeps her voice low but Declan stirs, raising his head to look at her in sleepy confusion. "But I'm coming up there first. I'll have the nurses let you know when I am there, if you can't leave him, I'll wait in the lounge, okay?"

"What's going on?" asks Declan when she hangs up. "Is it Elliot?"

Olivia fills him in as she dresses rapidly.

"What about IAB and Tucker?" Declan asks, getting out of bed. "You can't miss that meeting, Liv."

"They can damn well reschedule the meeting if my partner is dying!" Olivia snaps, then immediately softens her tone. None of this is Declan's fault "I just want to go to the hospital and stay with Kathy for a few hours. I can still make the meeting with Tucker."

"What can I do?" Declan comes over and pulls her close for a hug. She leans into his warm, solid presence for a minute and then pulls away. She has to go.

"I'll call you later, when I know more," she says, grabbing her coat and heading for the door. "

* * *

When Olivia gets to the hospital, she asks the nurse at the desk just outside of the I.C.U to let Kathy know she is there. The nurse nods solemnly and goes through the door to the unit. A few minutes later, Kathy comes out, looking disheveled and exhausted. When she sees Olivia, she opens her arms for a hug. They cling to each other for a few minutes. Kathy finally pulls away to wipe at her eyes with a well-used tissue.

"Tell me what's going on," Olivia urges gently. She leads Kathy to a chair and sits facing her. Kathy fills her in with more detail than the phone conversation.

"So they won't know for another 18 hours which antibiotic to use?" Olivia asks incredulously.

"They've added another one to what he was on already," Kathy explains. "But until they get the culture back, they won't know for sure. He's not responding to anything right now. And the longer this infection is uncontrolled, the worse are his chances."

"What can I do?" asks Olivia. She's not a religious person, but right now, she wishes she were. Praying would feel like doing something.

"Can you go to the house and explain things to Maureen? I'm sure she'll be up with Eli soon." Kathy turns Olivia's wrist to look at the watch she'd hastily thrown on while dressing. Her own wrist is bare. It's just after 6 a.m. "I don't want to go into this all on the phone."

"Of course," says Olivia. She hesitates. "Kathy, do you want me to call your priest?" Kathy's eyes widen at the thought and Olivia immediately regrets her words. "Not to perform—last rituals or whatever they call them..." she is cursing herself for being so awkward..."but to be here for you."

"It's Last Rites," Kathy corrects her softly. "And yes, maybe you should, Liv."

* * *

When Olivia leaves, Kathy returns to the I.C.U. She's been here so long that anything outside the hospital feels like a dim memory. Right now, her world consists of white walls, humming machines, soft stepping medical personal and her very sick husband.

Dr. Templeton is at Elliot's bedside when she gets back. She hadn't seen him enter, but there is another entrance that she has figured out goes directly to the O.R and Recovery suites. He looks as if he has been in the hospital all night as well. He pages through Elliot's chart, checking over the nurse's notes for the past few hours since he was last there. He looks worried, but when he sees Kathy, he gives her a reassuring smile.

"How are you doing, Mrs. Stabler?" he asks softly.

"Kathy," she tells him. It seems as though they're going to be seeing a lot of each other in the near future. "Any news?"

He shakes his head. "He's no worse, but he hasn't responded to the second antibiotic. It's early though." They both look at Elliot, whose eyes are closed. "Has he been awake at all?"

"For an hour or so after the ibuprofen kicked in," she tells him. "But when the fever started rising again, he dozed off."

"Was he lucid?"

"Mostly. He was confused about what time it was and didn't have much energy for talking."

Templeton nods. "We've just given him another dose of ibuprofen, so his fever should drop again. I'll check back in a few hours." He turns to leave, but Kathy puts a hand on his arm to stop him.

"I know you said no other visitors, but..." she hesitates, glances at Elliot to be sure he's still asleep and can't hear her"I'd like our priest to come by."

Templeton raises his eyebrows. "Your husband is in serious condition, Mrs...er, Kathy, but I wouldn't say he's in imminent danger of dying." He doesn't add the word "yet" but it hangs unspoken in the air between them.

"Not for that," Kathy adds hastily, " but we're Catholic, the priest can do an Anointing of the Sick, it might give him some, I don't know...

"A mental boost?" Templeton fills in. "Not a bad idea." He nods approvingly. "I'll tell the desk to allow him in. But not for very long, okay?"

Kathy nods in agreement and watches as the tall, lanky doctor moves away in long strides. She can't imagine having such responsibilities.

She goes to Elliot's side and reaches out to touch his cheek. Her cool hand on his warm skin rouses him a little and his eyes open slowly. "Hey," he slurs, giving her a weak smile. "Have I been out long?"

"Not too long," she lies. She rinses a cloth under cool water again and then climbs back into bed with him, carefully balancing on the side so she's not bumping him. She props herself up on one elbow and with her free hand, gently dabs at his forehead, cheeks and neck.

"Feels good," he says drowsily. "Have you gotten any sleep? Maybe you should go home."

"I slept when you did," she lies again. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Good," he says, reaching up with his free hand, the one without the I.V., to grasp hers. "This is a helluva way to get some time alone, but I'm glad you're here."


	10. Chapter 10

Turnaround

Olivia pulls into the driveway of the Stabler house at 6:45 am, noting with relief that there _are_ lights on. It is bad enough having to tell the kids their father is worse; waking them up to do it would be even more difficult.

She raps softly at the front door, and a few minutes later, sees Maureen pull aside the curtain in the small window next to the door to see who is there. Her father has trained her well. She unlocks and opens the door, looking both relieved and alarmed to see Olivia.

"What's wrong?" she asks, her blue eyes anxiously searching Olivia's face.

"Your father's okay," Olivia says right away. "Your mom asked me to check on you guys and tell you what's going on with him. There have been some... complications...and she needs to stay at the hospital with him."

"What complications?" Maureen asks in alarm, but before Olivia can answer, Eli comes barreling out of the living room.

"Libia!" he cries, his face lighting up. He spots the box in her hands and exclaims "You brung me doughnuts!" He peers to look behind her to the doorway. "Where are mommy and daddy?"

Olivia passes the box to Maureen and bends to pick him up. He is wearing white cotton pajamas covered with trucks and smells like sleep. "They're still at the hospital, sweetie. Your mom wants to stay with your dad until he's all better."

His blue eyes well with tears and he sniffles: "When is daddy gonna be all better? I wanna _see_ him."

Olivia hugs him tight. "Soon, sweetie, soon. Right now he's sleeping a lot, but when he's a little better, maybe he can call you on the phone. How would that be?" She looks into his face and brushes a tear off his face.

"Then I can tell him I sleeped at Augusts' house!" he announces, his smile returning.

"Yes, you can," Olivia laughs in spite of herself. Leave it to a child to reduce a situation to its' simplest terms. "How about we go in the kitchen and have one of those doughnuts, does that sound good?"

She sets Eli up in his booster chair at the table while Maureen pours them both a cup of coffee and Eli a glass of milk. Holding the open box in front of him, she lets him pick which pastry he wants and then puts it on a plate and lets him go at it. While he is busy smearing himself with jelly and powdered sugar, Olivia quietly fills his sister in on Elliot's condition. Maureen looks worried. "Poor Dad," she says softly, sipping her coffee. Olivia still can't reconcile this adult version of Maureen with the skinny teenager she once knew, the one who was always yanking her father's chain and causing him sleepless nights. "And poor Mom," she adds. "We were all going to go up and visit later, but I guess that's out of the question now, isn't it?

"You won't be able to see your father," Olivia agrees, "but I know your mom would love to see you. I was going to have you pack a change of clothes for me to take her, but maybe you guys should take them up." She looks over at Eli, who is now in need of a bath, powered sugar somehow sprinkled in his dark curls. "What about this little guy? Do you want me to take him to stay with Mariclair for the day?"

Eli has seemed oblivious to their conversation until now, but when he hears the au pair's name mentioned, he perks up. "Mariclair? Can I go see August again?"

Maureen laughs. "If that's what you want to do, buddy,"

"I do!" He exclaims, squirming to push his chair away from the table and get down.

"Whoa! Hold on!" Olivia says, putting a hand on the back of his chair to keep him in place. "You need a washcloth for those hands."

Maureen goes to the sink and comes back with a wet cloth. "And you're not going anywhere right this minute, Eli, so slow down. You've got to take a bath and get dressed first."

"Do I smell coffee?" comes a voice from behind them. Kathleen enters the room, yawning and stretching in her t-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms. Liv is glad that Elliot isn't here to see the short, tight tee that has the name of a college bar emblazoned across the front. "Olivia, what are you doing here so early?" As the words exit her mouth, her eyes widen in alarm as she puts the pieces together. Her father in the hospital, his partner here before daylight…

"Everything's okay," says Olivia, "Why don't you grab a cup of coffee and I'll fill you in."

"While you two are talking, I'll get this guy cleaned up and dressed," promises Maureen. She scoops her brother out of his chair and throws him over her shoulder, fireman-carry style. He squeals with delight. "Shh, you're gonna wake the twins up," she cautions him. "And you know how grumpy they are this early."

* * *

Olivia manages to get Eli dropped off at the apartment and herself at the precinct in time for the meeting with Tucker from Internal Affairs. As she hurries into the squad room, Cragen sees her and motions her into his office.

"I was getting worried," he said. "Tucker's already set up in Interrogation One. He's talking to Fin now, but he can't wait to get his hands on you."

"I was out in Queens," Olivia explains. She updates him on Elliot's condition. Cragen shakes his head.

"That's all he needs, an infection on top of everything else. How's Kathy holding up?"

Olivia shrugs. "As well as can be expected, I guess. She's worried, and she won't leave the hospital until he's out of the woods."

"I'll go up this afternoon and see if there's anything I can do," promises Cragen. "In the meantime, are you prepared for this, Olivia? Are you sure you don't want a union rep here?"

"He's either going to believe me or he isn't," Olivia says, sounding much calmer than she feels. "At this point, I don't really care what they do to me. I'm so sick of this crap."

Cragen puts both hands on her shoulders and looks her in the eye. "You did the best you could in a difficult situation, Olivia. We all know that you didn't shoot Bertolli out of revenge. Just stick to the facts and don't let him rile you up."

Olivia nods. If there has one thing she has learned in her many run-ins with Tucker is that he likes to provoke a reaction and trick people into saying things they didn't intend. She is confident that she can outwit him at his own game—as long as the lack of sleep over the past few days doesn't trip her up.

She pours herself a cup of coffee that already smells stale and burned and takes it to her desk to wait until they call her in. After about twenty minutes, Fin comes out. When he sees her, he nods back toward the interrogation room and rolls his eyes, making her smile.

"Captain Corrupt is ready to see you now," he says in a sing-song receptionist voice. Despite herself, she grins and heads toward the room. Munch gives her a thumbs up from his desk.

"Don't let The Man get you down, Liv," he says softly as she passes by.

She pauses outside the door to compose herself and wipe every trace of mirth from her face. The last thing she needs is for Tucker to think he is the butt of a joke.

"Good morning, Detective," says Tucker when she enters. He is seated at the table, a folder in front of him. His shadow of an assistant sits next to him with a pad, ready to take notes. Tucker looks like the proverbial cat that swallowed the canary. Olivia resists the urge to smack that smug look right off his face.

"Good morning," she says calmly, taking a seat at the opposite end of the table. He looks surprised at her civility, but quickly presses on.

"So, you've finally done it, Detective Benson," he says, looking at her with his ice-blue eyes.

She doesn't rise to the bait and her silence seems to unnerve him. She waits

"It seems that you've finally gone off the deep end and let your relationship with your partner cloud your judgment as a police officer," he taunts.

"Is there a question there somewhere?" she asks.

He snorts. "The big question is, why is Bertolli dead and not in police custody where he could be confessing to other cases and clearing up unsolved crimes?" he asks.

"As you know from my reports, he pointed a gun at me. He'd just shot my partner and intended to shoot me as well. I had no choice."

Tucker shuffles through the reports in the folder. "Ah yes, he pointed a gun at you." He looks up at her, clearly enjoying this moment. "It was your own service revolver, I believe. Tell me how he happened to be in possession of _that_, Detective Benson.

For the next hour, Olivia goes over and over every detail of the events in the warehouse, remaining calm and focused. It takes every ounce of strength that she has to not lash out at the buffoon in front of her, but she pictures her partner lying in a hospital bed and forces herself to remain steady. When Tucker berates her for going into the warehouse without back up, she readily agrees that it was an error in judgment.

"I heard a child crying and thought that another girl was in imminent danger." She states calmly. "In hindsight, I realize it was a mistake to go in alone, but at the time, it seemed like the best action."

By the end of the hour, Tucker is clearly disappointed that he hasn't been able to provoke a negative reaction out of Olivia. She wonders, not for the first time, what kind of police officer enjoys working in the division that investigates other officers and in many cases, tries to get rid of them.

Finally, Tucker closes his folder in disgust. "That's all for now, Detective Benson. I may have more questions for you later."

Olivia gets up to leave, stifling a smile. Tucker has not gotten the result he hoped for and displeasure is written all over his face. With her hand on the doorknob, she turns back and says quietly, "Oh, and in case you're interested, Detective Stabler is still in serious condition in the hospital. He's not allowed any visitors, but I'll send him your best by way of his wife." The investigator manages to look sheepish; in his zeal to persecute her, he hasn't asked about her partner once.

She goes to her desk and sorts through the various messages and paperwork that have accumulated while she's been out. After a few minutes, Tucker comes out of the interrogation room, totally ignoring her as he goes to Cragen's office. After twenty minutes he leaves, tossing out an enigmatic "I'll be seeing you, Detective Benson," as he walks past her desk.

She waits nervously until Cragen calls her in. "Sit down, Olivia," he tells her, pointing to the chair in front of his desk. She'd rather to do anything but sit, but she perches on the edge of the chair and waits for the verdict. Cragen sighs. Maybe her decision about what to do with her career has been made for her.

"IAB is recommending a formal reprimand in your file," he says, his tone weary, "for going into the building without waiting for backup."

"That's it?" she asks in surprise. She was really expecting much worse. What she did was inexcusable, and had serious consequences for another officer.

"That's it," he said, hands turned up as if to say he couldn't explain it, "just a letter of reprimand, no rip, and no suspension. Tucker has evidently grown a heart." He looks across the desk at her and asks softly: "Why _did_ you do it, Liv? You're a good cop, you know better than to put yourself in that situation."

She looks at him helplessly. What can she tell him that won't make him question her ability to do the job anymore than he already does?

"Whatever you tell me is between you and me," he says, "You're one of my best detectives and I just want to know what was going on in your head that day."

She sighs. "This case just really got to me, Captain. All of those little girls who were brutalized—all I could think of was someone doing that to August. When I heard the tape of the little girl crying, I thought he had another vic in there and….and I just lost my head. I had to go try to save her."

Cragen nods his head slowly. "And your partner? Why did he go after the gun?"

Olivia thinks of her conversation with Elliot in the hospital and swallows hard. "I don't know, Captain, you'll have to ask him."

* * *

It has been a long day. Kathy sits in the chair next to Elliot's bed, trying to force down a sandwich that one of the nurses brought her, but it might as well be sawdust. Her husband is still running a fever and she is really beginning to worry. She can see the toll that the infection is taking; he looks thin and drawn and ten years older.

The kids came by in the morning to bring her clean clothes and toiletries. She stayed in the lounge to talk to them for awhile but every second that she was away from Elliot made her anxious and she finally sent them home. She experienced a flash of anger when she heard that Olivia had taken Eli to her house again but had to admit that it made sense. Maureen and Kathleen really need to get back to their respective jobs and classes, and the twins should go back to school. They need the security of routine to help them get through right now. Maureen promises that she'll bring him home to sleep in his bed at night and Kathy puts her anger aside. She can't think about the issue of August right now, it's too complicated and there are more immediate worries on which to concentrate. Eli is happy at Olivia's and that's all that matters.

Shortly after the kids left, a nurse announced that Father Michael was there. Elliot's fever was elevated at the time so he was not even aware of his presence. Kathy watched as the young priest anointed Elliot's forehead and hands with healing oil blessed by the bishop and recited the prayer "Through this holy anointing may the Lord in his love and mercy help you with the grace of the Holy Spirit. May the Lord who frees you from sin save you and raise you up." She felt a shiver run up her spine, remembering the same words spoken at her father's bedside as he lay dying of lung cancer after fifty years of smoking. Elliot is _not_ dying. He can't.

In the afternoon, Elliot is taken downstairs for a CT scan to check for bleeding and inflammation in his chest cavity. They won't allow her to go with him, so she makes another visit to the staff lounge to take a quick shower and change. When he returns, he is awake but weak and confused. She sits on the side of his bed and talks about anything until he drifts back off,y seemingly comforted by the sound of her familiar voice. She knows she should try to sleep too but she can't. She feels as if she closes her eyes, she'll lose him, that her vigil is what is keeping him safe.

She has just choked down the last of the sandwich when she hears footsteps and Dr. Templeton steps into the area, a nurse right behind him. He has a big smile on his face. As the nurse goes to the IV pole and switches out one of the bags hanging there for a new one, he tells her: "We got the results of the culture back and now we know which antibiotic to use. The particular strain he has wouldn't have responded to either of the two he has been on. I think we'll see an improvement by morning."

Kathy jumps out of the chair and impulsively hugs him. He laughs, happy to be bringing good news for a change. "And that CT scan showed no abnormalities; it appears as though he is healing well. We'll have him out of I.C.U in a day or two."


	11. Chapter 11

Comfort

By the time Olivia gets home that night, she is exhausted. All of this driving back and forth to Queens is getting to her. Cragen sent her home for the day after their talk, insisting that her paperwork could wait for one more day. She'd gone back to the hospital to check in on Kathy but the nurse told her that there had been no change in Elliot's condition and that a priest was there to see him. Olivia was glad that to hear the he'd gotten the message she'd left on the rectory answering machine early that morning and left the hospital without leaving a message for Kathy. She went back to her own apartment and spent the rest of the afternoon making lasagna, the one dish she can cook well. Then she and Mariclair took Eli and August out to Queens to have dinner with the Stabler children. The kids are fascinated with the Brazilian au pair and Olivia has to laugh when she notices Dick eyeing her several times when he thinks no one is looking. Kathy called to check in while they were cleaning up after dinner. After she spoke to each of the children, Olivia got on the phone. Kathy thanked her for bringing dinner for the kids, but sounded distracted and almost angry to find her there. Olivia chalked it up to the stress she was under.

Now, August is bathed and tucked in for the night and she can finally relax. Declan pours her a glass of wine and they sit on the sofa while she recounts the meeting with Tucker. Her husband scowls when he hears about the letter of reprimand.

"It could have been much worse," she says, and really, a part of her is disappointed that it wasn't. A harsher punishment, even a suspension, might make her feel like she has atoned for what happened to Elliot, for how much he is suffering because of her mistakes.

"You made a mistake," says Declan, reaching out to stroke her cheek with the back of his hand. She captures his large hand between her check and shoulder and snuggles into the warmth of it. She is so tired, but her mind is racing and sleep seems unlikely. "Anyone would have done the same; they shouldn't be putting _anything i_n your file." He pulls her close, taking the glass out of her hand to set it on the coffee table so he can kiss her without fear of spilling.

Olivia allows herself to get lost in his kiss; a kiss that tastes of the merlot they've been drinking, in the sensation of his hands running up her back under her shirt to unhook her bra. She doesn't protest when he slides around to cup her breast in one hand, circling the nipple with his thumb. It doesn't feel right to be enjoying this when her partner is lying in the hospital fighting for his life because of her actions, but she _needs_ this. She needs to feel connected to another human being.

"Shall we take this into the bedroom?" Declan whispers, nuzzling her neck. She tips her head back, allowing him more access. Moving seems like too much effort, but they are both aware of the au pair in the apartment. Mariclair usually stays in her own rooms this time of night, but she is of course entitled to use the kitchen and could conceivably come out for a snack. So she allows her husband to take her by the hand to pull her up off the sofa. He picks up their glasses and follows her into their bedroom, shutting the door softly behind them. She loves that the first thing he does after setting the wine down is to flick on the baby monitor. The apartment they moved to after they married isn't all that large by New York City standards but since they sleep with their door closed because of Mariclair, he insists on using a monitor to be on the safe side. He's a devoted and loving father; no one who didn't know their story would ever question that he isn't Augusts' father.

Olivia lets him finish undressing her; it feels good to let someone else be in control and make the decisions. Naked, she stretches out on the bed and watches as he removes his own clothing. He is a stunning man, tall and lean. Dark hair lightly sprinkles his chest and forms a line from his navel down to his pubic region. As he moves closer to the bed, she reaches out a hand to stroke down that dark stripe of hair to where he is already aroused and ready for her. He responds to her grasp with a sharp intake of breath but takes her hand away, and picks up her other as well, to raise her hands over her head. Pinning them there, he hovers over her body and begins kissing her, starting with a lingering kiss on her lips and moving down to her neck and collarbone. He releases her hands and suckles each breast briefly, teasing her nipples into arousal with flicks of his tongue. Down her stomach he continues, dipping a wet tongue into her navel to make her laugh and squirm away. She doesn't try to move away when he settles between her legs however, moving so that her knees are bent and parting them so he has full access. This particular activity is one at which Declan is very, very good and it's exactly what she needs tonight. When she comes it is in long waves of excruciating pleasure and she cries out softly. He moves up to hold her lightly until she's recovered enough to push him onto his back and climb on top of him. There is nothing gentle in her movements as she rides them both to a climax.

Afterward, they lie wrapped together, her head on his chest and his leg thrown over hers. She revels in his warm, solid presence. After so many years alone, it has been an adjustment to have someone always with her, especially when that person is a large, often noisy and always opinionated Irish cop. In the first few months of living together, when she was pregnant and especially emotional, they fought often and with great passion. Over the last year they have mostly worked out their differences. She has adjusted to his loud and boisterous family; he has learned to give her space when she is overwhelmed by dark moods. Their daughter is motivation for both of them to make it work.

As she drifts off to sleep, Elliot's voice flashes briefly in her mind: _I didn't want August to have to grow up without her mother. I couldn't stand that. _She feels a surge of anger; she's not Elliot's child to worry about, not in any way but the most technical sense. She is _their_ daughter, hers and Declan's, and the thought that Elliot still thinks of her as his worries her. Pushing the unwelcome thoughts out of her mind, she curls into her husband's warm body and lets sleep engulf her.

* * *

Elliot's fever does, indeed, break during the night and by morning, he's fully awake and cranky, complaining that they haven't fed him at all since he's been admitted. Kathy laughs and goes to the nurse's station.

"He's awake and hungry," she says and bursts into tears. She has only slept a few hours out of the past forty-eight and her relief at having Elliot back to normal overwhelms her. The young nurse gives her an odd look, passes her a box of tissues and says she'll check his chart and see what he can have. In a few minutes, she brings Elliot some jello and apple juice.

"What am I, two?" he grumbles when she shows him what he can have.

"If you tolerate this you can have something more solid later on," the nurse promises him, ignoring his petulant tone. She elevates the head of his bed to a 45 degree angle and hands Kathy the cup of jello and a spoon.

"I can feed myself," he protests, but allows Kathy to do it anyway. For all of his bluster, he is still weak and it shows. He finishes the jello and accepts the cup of apple juice with a straw. Kathy tries not to giggle -he really does look a bit like a tempermental two-year old.

"What?" he glares at her suspiciously. She raises her eyebrows with an innocent expression and takes the empty juice glass back.

* * *

When Dr. Templeton makes his rounds an hour later, he is thrilled to see Elliot's response to the antibiotics.

"I'll admit, you had me worried there for a bit, Detective," he says, making notes in his chart. "We're thinking of adding your wife to our staff roster, she's been here for so long."

Elliot looks at Kathy, noticing for the first time how tired she looks, and feels a pang of guilt. "You should go home and get some sleep," he tells her.

"Can the kids visit today?" She asks, ignoring him and addressing Templeton.

"Briefly," he agrees, and then to Elliot: "If you continue to improve, I'll move you to the surgical floor tomorrow and then you can see them all you want."

When he leaves, she climbs onto the side of the bed to plant a gentle kiss on her husband's lips. "Welcome back," she says softly, smiling at him. He clearly has a long way to go before he is ready to be discharged, but he is so obviously…_Elliot_ again that she is overjoyed. She'll take the cranky man over the feverish unresponsive one any day. She looks at her watch, one of the things that Maureen had packed for her yesterday. "It's after seven, are you up to talking to Eli? Maureen says he's really been missing you. And if you'll be alright here alone, I'll go home for awhile after they come up to visit. Maureen can drive me home and I'll come back later."

He puts his hand up to brush her hair from her face. "Thank you," he whispers. "Even when I was out of it, I knew you were here with me and it helped. It reminded me that I had something to come back for."

Kathy looks into the blue eyes she's been waking up next to for more than two decades, so familiar to her it is like looking into a mirror. "Well, you're going to owe me," she quips, because if she responds seriously she'll start crying again. "I expect breakfast in bed for a lot of Sundays."

"You've got a deal," he replies, smiling. He slips his hand to the back of her neck to pull her close for a kiss. "Now, where's your cell phone? I need to talk to my little man."


	12. Chapter 12

Clash

It ends up being closer to two days before Elliot is transferred out of I.C.U., but once he is on a regular floor, things are much better. When Kathy is finally able to bring Eli to the hospital to see his father, she has to restrain him from jumping up on the bed and climbing right on top of him. Elliot shows him the big bandage on his chest and where he has to be careful, and then Kathy lifts him onto the bed. Eli stretches out next to his dad and starts chattering away as if it is a perfectly natural setting for him. Elliot gives him the remote to the television and he and Kathy share a smile over his head as he starts happily flipping through the channels.

Now that he is able to have visitors, his room is packed with co-workers, friends and family stopping by. Father Mike comes in on Saturday evening to bring him Communion. Fin and Munch drop by in the afternoons; John bringing his favorite fig milkshake which he swears will speed up Elliot's recuperation. Cragen comes by to finally take Elliot's official report of the incident, but avoids any discussion of serious discussion of what happened. It can wait until Elliot is released.

During the day, he is busy with tests and therapy, so Kathy spends that time making arrangements for when he comes home. He absolutely rejects her suggestion of renting a hospital bed for the first floor for a few weeks and Dr. Templeton backs him up. "He shouldn't being doing a lot of stairs at first," he tells Kathy. "But to go up to bed at night is fine. If he's comfortable on a couch or a recliner, there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes using a hospital bed can perpetuate the perception of being an invalid." Kathy somehow doubts that Elliot will tolerate his invalid status any longer than absolutely necessary but she gives in.

She hasn't been to classes since the day Olivia came to campus to get her and she finally has time to call her professors and arrange for a temporary leave. All three of her teachers bend over backward to be helpful; they've read in the newspapers about the Manhattan SVU detective who was shot in the line of duty not far from their campus. Elliot insists that he'd be fine home alone while she attends classes, but she takes an indefinite leave anyway. She can take incompletes if needed and finish up over the summer.

On the afternoon of the second day he is out of the I.C.U, she returns from dropping Eli off at the campus day care where he can play with his friends to the sound of loud and angry voices coming from his room. She cautiously pushes open the door and is surprised to find Olivia standing next to his bed, her face flushed and angry, Elliot's looking much the same. Things have been so hectic she has barely spoken to Olivia in the past few days. This is her first visit since Elliot was moved.

"Everything okay?" she asks, looking from one to the other. Elliot's face is strained and she can tell that's he's hurting. Getting upset is the last thing he needs. Templeton has said that if all goes well he can be released in a few days and she doesn't want anything to delay that. Not having to run back and forth between the hospital and home will make life easier and frankly, she's just wants their family back together without everyone else butting in.

"I was just leaving," Olivia mutters and hurries past Kathy and out of the room. Kathy looks after her, her mouth agape and follows her out into the hall.

"Olivia!" she calls after her. Olivia pauses and turns to face her, but doesn't come back down the hall. Kathy walks up to her, noticing that there are tears in her eyes. "What is going on? You know he doesn't need this right now, he doesn't need any setbacks. What on earth is so important that you have to fight about it right _now_?"

Olivia opens her mouth to speak, hesitates and finally says, "Talk to your husband, Kathy. Talk some sense into him." She turns on her heel and hurries down the hall with angry strides, her head bent low.

"What was that all about?" she asks Elliot when she's back in the room; setting down the bag she is carrying and going to his bedside. His face is clammy with sweat, but they discontinued the self-regulated morphine drip when he was released from the I.C.U. "When did you last have your pain medication?"

"This morning," he mutters. He is supposed to let the nurses know when he needs more, but he never does. He starts to protest as Kathy picks up the control to beep a nurse but she puts up a hand to stop him.

"Don't even," she warns. "You know what Dr. Templeton said about pain slowing down your recuperation, and I want you _out _of here, mister."

She waits until the nurse has come with a paper cup of pills and then asks again, "So? Why were you two yelling at each other?"

"What did Olivia say?" he asks, avoiding meeting her eyes. He picks at the blanket folded down at his waist. He is bare-chested except for the swath of bandages around his chest and ribcage. The nurses keep bringing him hospital gowns and he keeps tossing them to the foot of the bed. Kathy brought him boxers and sweatpants from home so that he has something to wear besides the sheets.

"She said to talk some sense into you." Kathy's eyes narrow as she sees how much he doesn't want to have this conversation. "Is this about August?"

Now he looks at her and nods, his blue eyes looking tired and confused. "When she asked me why I went for the gun, I told her the same thing I told you, that I didn't want August to lose her mother. Now Olivia's all bent out of shape, saying I've ruined our partnership and that I have no business worrying about August or thinking of her as _my_ daughter."

Kathy is shocked that Olivia would bring all of this up right now. These issues obviously need to be addressed, but couldn't it wait until Elliot is better?

"Do you?" she asks him softly. "Do you think of her as your daughter, Elliot?" He looks at her helplessly and shrugs.

"I try not to think about her at all," he says, his voice low. "But it's hard, when I hold her and see Eli in the set of her chin...or Maureen when she smiles. Then I realize she's as much a part of me as they are and I wonder about what we've done."

Kathy sits on the bed next to him and cradles his head and shoulders in her arms. "Oh, babe," she says, her voice choked with emotion. "I had no idea you felt this way. I thought you were fine with all of it. Declan and Olivia are so happy and they both adore that little girl. She's going to have a wonderful life with them."

"I know that," Elliot says miserably. "And that's why I try not to think about it. But when I saw Olivia there, about to be killed..."

Kathy pulls back and looks him in the eyes, gently stroking his stubbled cheek. She makes a mental note to bring his razor from home. "Elliot, don't you think you would have done the same thing, even if there was no August? Olivia's been your partner for a long time, and she's your closest friend. You wouldn't have let her be killed, no matter what."

"I don't know," he says miserably but she can see she's made him think. "I hope I would have been more impartial, talked him down or waited to take a head shot."

"But you've already said that you could tell by his eyes that he was about to shoot her. And Elliot," Kathy pauses for a second and looks him directly in the eyes. "I don't think you'll ever be impartial when it comes to Olivia. There's so much history between you two." She doesn't spell it out; she doesn't need to. In addition to all of the things they've been through on the job, her husband has been intimate with his partner, they've conceived a child together and there is no way to totally erase that from any of their minds. "I'm sure she'd have the same difficulty if the situation was reversed."

Elliot nods, knowing she is right. Olivia had along ago demonstrated that she couldn't or wouldn't pull the trigger if it meant causing his death. Their relationship has become even more complicated since then.

"Maybe she's right then," he says, looking away and out the window. "Maybe we shouldn't be partners anymore."

* * *

When Kathy leaves the hospital that night, the first thing she does is call Olivia from her cell phone. She sits in the car waiting for her to pick up, her thoughts in turmoil.

"Benson," says Olivia. Kathy called her work cell, knowing she is always supposed to have it with her.

"Olivia, it's me."

"Is Elliot okay?" Olivia's voice rises in alarm when she recognizes Kathy's voice.

"Yes, but we need to talk and I know you can't do it with Declan there. Can you meet me tomorrow?"

"I guess so," Olivia answers and Kathy hears reluctance in her voice. "Things are crazy at the station with Elliot out…"

"I can come into Manhattan if that helps, but we need to talk." Kathy says firmly. "If you want, I can call Captain Cragen and make up some excuse…"

"No, don't," Olivia says hurriedly. She doesn't need Cragen anymore suspicious than he already is; she has caught him looking at her several times when he thought she wasn't aware. They make arrangements to meet in a coffee house halfway for both of them; if Olivia can't make it, she'll call in the morning.

Kathy flips her phone shut and sits in the car, collecting her thoughts before she drives home. It is after 8 pm and the parking lot around her is dark, lit only by scattered light poles. Now that Elliot is out of intensive care, they are relegated to long-term lots far from the hospital. If he realized how far from the monitoring eye of the security guards this lot is, he'd never let her stay past dark. She is grateful, however, for the privacy and quiet as she puts her head back again the seat and closes her eyes. _How have we ended up in this mess? And what are we going to do to fix it?_


	13. Chapter 13

Elliot uses the controls to partially recline the head of his bed and turn off the lights except for a small strip at the head of the bed that the nurses use to see at night. Visiting hours are over, the TV is off and his single room is finally quiet. He isn't ready to sleep, but desperately wants and needs some peace and quiet to think. His chest hurts; he will to ring the nurse for pain medication soon, but for now, he welcomes the burning ache. It is a reminder that he is alive. There were several moments—before he lost consciousness in the warehouse, when he came to briefly in the ambulance, when he first woke up in the I.C.U. -that he believed he _was_ going to die. He could feel himself slipping away and was powerless to do anything about it. When Templeton told him later that he was lucky to be alive, he didn't doubt the man for a second.

Unbeknownst to either Kathy or Olivia, for months he'd been obsessing about August. He'd been surprisingly fine when she was first born, but in the months following, when their two families had started spending time together and he watched as the little girl grew before his eyes, he was overwhelmed with a longing to know her better, to own up to her, to shout to the world that she was his. He knew it wasn't rational—he'd agreed to give up all rights to her and he had no doubts that Olivia and Declan were giving her the best life she could possibly have. He'd debated scheduling a time to talk to Father Mike about his feelings because he knew they weren't healthy, but kept putting it off and brooded in secret instead.

In that moment when he thought Olivia was going to die, all of those thoughts came rushing at him and he made the stupid choice to lunge for the gun. As soon as he did, even before he felt the hot bite of the bullet tearing through his chest, he knew it was a mistake. He'd let his misguided fantasy of the little girl who wasn't his at all interfere with his judgment. As he lay there, slipping away into that dark void, he realized he had it all wrong. He had his own family, he'd had them all along, they were what was important and he'd almost lost them by allowing his obsession with August to take over.

Now it is all a mess. In the haze of confusion and pain when he'd first woken up, he had admitted to both Kathy and Olivia what he'd been thinking of when he lunged for that gun. It is ironic that the very act that had finally freed him of his obsession is now coming back to haunt them. Now that _he _has his priorities straight, Kathy and Olivia are both worried about him and what is going to happen. He can't seem to make them understand. The confusion that the pain medication brings doesn't help, nor does the hospital setting where there are constant interruptions and people always present.

When Olivia came to talk to him earlier that day, he'd handled it badly. When she started railing at him that he had to let go of August and get on with his life, instead of admitting that he'd come to that same realization himself, he'd snapped back at her. He was tired and uncomfortable and her whole attitude rubbed him the wrong way. Underneath it all was his shame at having made such a rookie mistake. Rather than admit that, he told Olivia just the opposite of what he really felt and told her that her daughter was always going to be a part of him. Before he could take it back and make her understand that he realized he needed to let go, Kathy had come in and Olivia had run off.

He sighs. Could things be anymore screwed up? He is thankful to be alive and for another chance to be with his family, but right now, it all seems like such an effort. He and Olivia have been partners for so long; he can't imagine doing the job without her at his side. They know each other's thoughts without having to express them, they anticipate each other's actions, they complement each other's strengths and each knows the other's weaknesses. But it seems that what is needed to heal the chaos caused by conceiving a child together is distance—distance from Olivia personally and professionally. He doesn't know if he can do either. Next to his wife, Olivia is his best friend in the world.

And the job: he doesn't know if he has the stomach for it anymore. He's never been afraid of the risks, but that moment of lying on the cold concrete of the warehouse floor, feeling his life slipping away and being so afraid he'd never see his wife and children again—that moment comes back to haunt him over and over. Is any job worth that? The thought of not seeing his children grow up makes his chest tighten and starts fresh waves of pain. He wants to see Maureen and Kathy finish college and get married, the twins graduate from high school and follow in their footsteps, and more than anything else, see Eli, the child they'd never expected, grow up to be a man. In Eli he sees the child he himself was never allowed to be because of his parents' issues—his father's demanding and abusive personality, his mother's mood disorder that kept the family in a state of constant chaos. While he loves his older son more than he can put into words, Dick has always had that mysterious twin bond with Lizzie that has set him apart from his parents. Eli is openly devoted to his father and he relishes the opportunity to nurture that bond.

He sighs again and reaches for the call button. He needs to sleep and get better so he can get out of this hospital and start putting his life—all of their lives—back on track. Dr. Templeton has told him it will be six to eight weeks before he can even consider returning to work and even then on limited duty. It is time he will sorely need to make the tough decisions he is facing.

* * *

Olivia rolls over and looks at the clock: three a.m and yet another restless night. If she doesn't start sleeping soon, she's going to make some serious errors in judgment, or worse yet, start snapping at people and telling them what she really thinks. Her cheeks burn at the memory of her heated conversation with Elliot in the hospital that afternoon and of the look on Kathy's face when she walked in on them. What was she thinking? Elliot was barely out of I.C.U. and she's yelling at him for loving her daughter too much? She is so afraid that all of this is going to explode in their faces and that Declan is going to find out the truth about who fathered their daughter. If she could go back in time, she never would have misled him about the source of her "donated" sperm, but the sad truth is that once a lie, whether it be one of omission or commission, is told, it can't be undone. As much as he loves both her and August, she knows how devastating it would be for him to learn the truth now. He's finally put aside his jealousy of the friendship she has with Elliot and the two men have become good friends.

She sighs and sits up, slipping quietly out of bed to not disturb Declan. He's worried about her; she can tell by the way he looks at her and how he handles her as if she is made of glass. He assumes that it's because she is concerned about Elliot and she is, of course she is, but there is so much more. She's angry with Elliot too. She's angry that he put his life on the line for her, and even angrier that he doesn't seem to be able to live up to the terms of their agreement when it comes to August. It had all seemed so simple when the three of them worked out the details, but now that she is a parent, she understands all too well how impossible it would be to erase a child from your heart. When she holds August, she feels a connection that is stronger than anything she has ever experienced. How can Elliot, who has fathered five other children, be expected t walk away from that?

Sitting in the kitchen in the dark, she dunks a tea bag over and over in a cup of hot water, only partially aware of what she is doing. Captain Cragen is still suspicious of what happened in the warehouse; Elliot's actions don't jive with what he knows of him as an experienced police officer and she's afraid that he's going to pursue the matter further when Elliot is better. What if Elliot slips and tells him the same thing he told her and Kathy? Cragen would be forced to separate them as partners, especially after such a perfect example of how their personal connection has affected their judgment. Tucker from IAB would have field day if he ever discovered that Elliot is the father of her child; he's been after a way to prove that they are too close for years.

Maybe it _is _time for her to leave the unit and find another way to help victims. She can't do anything right now while Elliot is out of work; she can't leave Cragen high and dry. She can, however, start exploring options.

* * *

When Kathy walks into the coffee shop the next morning, she finds Olivia waiting at a table by the window. She has a cup of tea in front of her and looks much the way she herself feels—tired and confused. She takes the seat opposite Olivia and nods when the waitress at the counter raises a pot of coffee in question. The woman brings her a cup and pours it, steaming and fragrant. Taking a handful of creamers from the pocket of her apron, she asks if they want anything else. Both women shake their heads without conferring with each other. Food is not high on the agenda these days. Kathy can't remember the last time she just sat and enjoyed a meal without feeling that she had to rush back to the hospital.

"So, you wanted to talk?" Olivia asks when the waitress leaves. Her tone is somewhat defiant and Kathy chooses her words carefully.

"I was very….surprised…to hear you and Elliot arguing yesterday," she says slowly. "I need to ask you to put whatever you're upset about aside until he's better. He's in a very fragile state right now, Liv. They had to repair the blood vessel leading away from his heart, raising his blood pressure could have a really negative effect on how that heals."

Olivia knows that what Kathy is saying is true and instantly feels shame, but her overtired brain also processes a rush of anger. "Well, if he hadn't made such a stupid mistake in the first place," she snaps. She can't believe the words that are coming out of her mouth, but still, they continue, "he wouldn't _be_ in the hospital.

Kathy's jaw drops open. "Olivia!" She says, her voice barely above a whisper. "He saved your life!"

"No one asked him to do that," she retorts. "If he'd been thinking like a cop instead of worrying about my daughter, he'd be fine right now, wouldn't he?"

The two women stare at each other. Kathy is shocked to see how upset Olivia is and realizes instantly there is a lot more here than meets the eye.

"What's going on, Liv?" she asks her gently. "Why are you so angry?"

"Why am I so angry?" Olivia's voice rises for an instant, but she looks around the restaurant and lowers it again. "Your husband—my partner—is lying in a hospital bed and everyone thinks it's my fault. If they find out the truth, it will blow all of our lives right apart. "

"Liv, no one is going to find out," Kathy begins, but Olivia is on a tear now and she can't stop herself.

"We had an _agreement_, Kathy. We all sat down and worked this all out and we _agreed_ on how we would handle everything. I kept to our agreement; I didn't tell my own _husband _the truth. And now I find out that Elliot can't handle that, can't live up to his end of it and…I'm afraid…I'm afraid of what is going to happen." Olivia's eyes are wild with emotion and bright with unshed tears. Out of the corner of her eye, Kathy sees the waitress approaching with the pot of coffee, but changing her mind when she gets a good look at Olivia's expression. She turns and heads back to the counter.

"Olivia, calm down," but Olivia is anything but calm. She leans into the table and glares at Kathy.

"_You _need to make him understand the August is my child, mine and Declan's, not his."

Kathy has had enough. She is also tired, and stressed beyond all reason. She hasn't slept for more than a few hours at a time in almost a week now. She glares back across the table at Olivia. "_You_ need to drop all of this for now and think of someone besides yourself. Elliot's feelings are understandable and he doesn't want to take your precious child away from you. He's certainly not going to tell anyone about her. If you can't support him _now_, after everything that he has done for you…." Her voice trails off. She doesn't spell out the middle of the night phone calls when Olivia can't sleep, or the time when Elliot put their house up as collateral for Olivia's bail during the whole mess with her brother, or the ultimate act of conceiving a child with her before her biological clock ran out. Her face and voice are tight with anger as she continues. "You need to think about _him _right now."

Olivia stands up and pushes her chair back from the table. "I haven't thought of much else since this happened, Kathy," she fairly spits out. "But I promise you, I'll leave him alone. I'll leave him alone to his perfect family. Just make sure he stays away from my daughter."

Before Kathy can say another word, Olivia turns and strides out of the restaurant in long, angry steps, leaving her to pick up the check and wonder what in the hell just happened.


	14. Chapter 14

Homecoming

Elliot is released on Friday afternoon. His total hospital stay was less than ten days but it seemed like an eternity. When the nurse wheels him out the front door in the requisite wheelchair, he takes a deep breath of fresh air and thinks nothing has ever smelled so good as this afternoon does. It is mild, one of those deceptive February days in New York when it seems like spring is just around the corner. Kathy has the van pulled up to the curb and he carefully lifts himself out of the wheelchair to climb into the passenger seat, declining the nurse's offer of help. He is wearing a pair of sweatpants and a zippered hooded sweatshirt with nothing under it; lifting his arms to put on a pullover shirt would be torture. His incision is healing well, but the broken ribs still remind him frequently of their presence. As soon as he was allowed to get out of bed, he started walking the halls with his IV pole, gradually increasing his tolerance and endurance so that Templeton would be convinced he was ready to go home. It evidently worked, as he reluctantly gave his approval the night before. The doctor would have preferred he spend another day or two in the hospital but realizes that his patient is anxious to get home and that he will recuperate better there.

Kathy gets in the driver's seat and leans across to help him with his seat belt. Twisting to buckle it would be excruciating. She pulls it across his torso, realizes that the shoulder strap will press on his incision and tucks that part behind him, fastening only the lap belt. Normally, he would argue with her but he doesn't say a word. The thought of a sudden application of the brakes tightening the shoulder strap across his chest almost brings tears to his eyes. She gives him a quick kiss and smiles at him.

"It's so good to see you out of that hospital bed," she says. "The kids can't wait to have you home."

He uses the lever to tip to recline the seat somewhat, thankful for the electric controls that were standard on the van. Every little movement of his torso is an effort.

"I can't wait to get home," he replies with smile of his own in answer, and it is the truth. He craves the security of familiar surroundings and to be with the people who matter the most to him. Never before has he felt such a need to cocoon himself in the comforts of home and just hibernate. As much as he wants to enjoy being out of the hospital, he feels his eyelids beginning to droop. Both Kathy and the nurse had insisted he take pain medication just before his discharge. "You're going to be glad you did, Mister Tough Guy." the nurse tells him.

When he awakes, they are in the driveway and Kathy is gathering up his bag of clothing and prescriptions. He'll be on antibiotics for at least another month and painkillers as needed. A whole sheet of follow-up appointments and instructions is in the bag with the medicine.

"Let me go unlock the front door," Kathy says when she sees that he is awake. "Then I'll come back and help you." He'd like to insist that he can do it himself, but he knows otherwise. He's never felt so weak and helpless in his life. He waits until he returns and then carefully climbs out of the van and takes her arm to slowly ascend the front steps to the door. Each step is an effort but it feels so good to be back in the real world that he doesn't mind.

Inside, Kathy has the couch made up with sheets, blankets and his pillow from their bed. He collapses on it gratefully as she removes his sneakers and helps him stretch out. Just this little bit of exertion has exhausted him and he feels his eyes closing again. His wife sits on the edge of the couch and strokes the side of his face with her warm hand. "Get some rest," she tells him, her eyes soft and concerned. "You've got an hour or so before the twins are home and Jessie drops Eli off." Even though Kathy has not been attending classes, Eli has continued with his regular schedule at the campus day care center to give him some continuity and allow Kathy to spend time at the hospital. Kathy has made arrangements with one of the employees, a Hudson student with a car, to bring Eli home in the afternoons.

* * *

Elliot opens his eyes to find a small figure standing motionless at the side of the couch.

"He's awake!" Eli calls to his mother in a loud stage whisper. "Can I talk to him now?"

Elliot laughs and makes room for him to climb up next to him. "Come here, buddy. Just be careful of my chest, ok?"

Eli clambers up on the couch, carefully avoiding bumping his father. He peers down the zipper of his sweatshirt at the swatch of white bandages. "How's your boo-boo, Daddy?" he asks solemnly. "You getting all better yet?"

Elliot reaches up a hand to ruffle his soft curls. "Yes, I'm getting better. Just gonna be sore for awhile." Just the act of touching his son brings him an indescribable satisfaction. He imagines that it is going to be a long time, if ever, before he is able to take even the smallest of pleasures for granted.

"Wanna watch cartoons?" Eli asks hopefully. He's usually not allowed to watch much television, but having Daddy home sick is a special occasion.

"Sure," Elliot laughs again. "Bring me the remote and I'll find us some."

When the twins come through the door a few minutes later, they find Eli and Elliot snuggled up on the couch watching SpongeBob, a show that Eli is not usually allowed to watch.

"You're home!" Lizzie exclaims, dropping her backpack and coming to kiss her father on the cheek.

"It's nice to have you back, Dad," adds Dick, sitting down at his feet and getting comfortable. Lizzie drops to the floor and leans against the couch at his head. Elliot puts his hand out to stroke her long blond hair and wiggles his toes into Dick's ribs to make him laugh. When Kathy comes out a few minutes later to check on him, she smiles at the sight of the group curled up together, engrossed in a mindless cartoon. She starts to head back into the kitchen to finish dinner but just outside the door, changes her mind and returns to join them. If they have learned anything in the past few weeks, it is to take advantage of life's precious moments as they are offered up. As she curls up next to Lizzie on the floor, she and Elliot exchange a glance. They have everything they need, right here in this room, or will have, when Maureen and Kathleen arrive for the welcome home dinner. Life is good again.

* * *

"I hear Elliot was released today," Declan says that night over dinner. August is perched in her high chair, doing her best to capture strands of linguine and cram them in her mouth. It is moments like this when she is so determined to get her own way that Olivia sees glimpses of her father in her and it startles her to have Declan say his name out loud at the exact moment when she is thinking it.

"Yes, I guess so," Olivia answers distractedly. She hasn't talked to Kathy since their argument in the coffee shop and only knows about Elliot's release from Cragen, who had appeared quite surprised that Olivia didn't already know. She finds the look in Cragen's eyes when he talks to her lately unsettling; it is as if he is taking her measure, trying to figure her out. The Captain has a good sense of people and she knows he is still uneasy about the events in the warehouse. She doubts she's heard the end of it from him. He's a good detective and won't let the matter rest until he has all of the facts.

"Why don't we go out to see him this weekend?" suggests Declan. "I didn't want to intrude when he was in the hospital, but I'd like to see how he's doing. Maybe Sunday?"

Olivia shrugs. "I don't know…he's probably supposed to be resting...I don't want to disturb him."

Declan gives her a skeptical look. "What's going on, Liv?" he asks gently. "I know you haven't been to the hospital to see him in days." When she doesn't immediately answer, he presses on: "Are you still blaming yourself for what happened?"

Olivia shrugs again, looking away. Declan reaches across the table to take her hand. "You need to let go of that," he says, squeezing gently.

She squeezes back and meets his eyes. "We had kind of a fight about it in the hospital," she says. "And I've been staying away to avoid upsetting him again while he recuperates." This, at least, is partially the truth.

"Well, if they've released him he's doing better," Declan says emphatically. "He's your partner, Liv, you two need to patch things up. And I've never thanked him for saving my wife's life." He squeezes her hand again and brings his other up so he is holding it in both of his large, warm ones. "I still can't stand to think about what could have happened in that warehouse, Olivia. I don't know what August and I would ever do without you. I'll always be grateful to Elliot for what he did and I want him to know that."

Olivia nods. "I'll give Kathy a call in the morning," she says, already anticipating how awkward this conversation will be.

* * *

At the end of the evening, Kathy comes to sit next to Elliot. He was able to come to the table to eat with them all but that act had exhausted him and he's been stretched out on the couch ever since. When it was time for Eli to go to bed, he'd sent him upstairs to pick out some books for him to read to him and then Maureen had taken him up to tuck him in before she and Kathleen left for the night.

"I'm so glad you're okay, Dad," his oldest daughter told him before they left, bending down to place a kiss on his forehead. "We were so scared."

He nods, and takes her hand to pull her down close so he can kiss her cheek. "Thanks for everything you did to help your mom out while I was in the hospital," he tells her. "You've grown up to be a terrific person, Maureen, I'm really proud of you." When Kathleen comes to kiss him goodbye, he tells her something similar. If they are surprised by their father's unaccustomed sentimentality, neither of them comments, promising to be back on the weekend to see how he is doing.

Now Kathy hands him his pain medicine and antibiotic. "Do you want to spend the night down here?" she asks, looking concerned. "I don't know if you should attempt all of those stairs."

"No," he tells her emphatically. "I want to sleep in my own bed," and he reaches out to squeeze her arm with a grin "with my own wife."

"As opposed to someone else's wife?" she laughs in response. This is an old joke between them, going back to the early days of his SVU career, when he would come home exhausted from a few days on the job and make that statement. It feels so comfortably...normal...to be making jokes again. She stands and holds out her hands to give him leverage to get up and then follows him up the stairs, standing close by in case he needs help. It takes him awhile but he manages, and after brushing his teeth, makes his way to his side of the bed which Kathy has turned down. She helps him strip down to his boxers and then stretch out. It's not easy to get comfortable, he's tired of lying on his back but any other position is impossible with his broken ribs. Kathy helps him prop up pillows until he finds a comfortable level and then climbs into bed beside him, turning out the lights. He reaches for her hand and they lie side by side in the dark.

He can feel the pain medication starting to kick in. He both welcomes and dreads the oblivion it brings. He's had cracked ribs before but this is a totally different experience. Templeton showed him the x-rays where the bullet broke through the two ribs in the front and lodged in one in the back. So far, the back appears to be healing well but another surgery is still possible. His bruised lung and the repair to his heart are healing well but will require follow up from a cardiologist.

As he drifts off, his mind wanders to the day in the warehouse and he sees the perp again, his gun pressed to Olivia's temple, his eyes cold and calculating. The expression on Olivia's face is one Elliot never wants to see again—terror, resignation, hope, all combined in one. He realizes that Kathy was right. His feelings for August aside, he probably would have reacted the same way to seeing Olivia in that situation. His feelings for her go beyond that of routine partnership; they've been together for so long that in some strange way, they are a part of each other. It is impossible to be neutral when it comes to Olivia. He sighs at the thought of the decisions he faces.

"Are you okay?" Kathy asks sleepily, interpreting his sigh as an expression of pain.

"I'm fine," he assures her. "Sleep tight, babe. It's good to be home."


	15. Chapter 15

Indecision

Olivia stares at the phone. Declan has asked her twice so far this morning if she's talked to Kathy about coming out to visit. There's no avoiding it. He's in the shower now so she has a few minutes to talk in private. She picks up the receiver and dials, hoping one of the kids will answer the phone and tell her that Kathy never wants to speak to her again, but of course that doesn't happen. Kathy answers on the second ring.

"Kathy, it's Olivia," she says and hopes she is only imagining the slight pause before Kathy responds.

"Hey, Liv," says Kathy. She doesn't add anything else so Olivia plunges ahead

"I hear that Elliot is home," Olivia goes on, "How is he feeling?"

"He's doing well; I think it helped to sleep in his own bed last night." Kathy's tone is polite but measured.

"I'm sure it did. Listen, Declan would really like to come out to see you guys tomorrow." Hidden between her spoken words is the subtext: _"I know I'm probably the last person you want to see but how do I put him off without telling the truth?"_

"Oh," Kathy sounds a little surprised. "I guess that would be okay…Elliot is asleep right now, but I can check with him later and call you back if he's not up to it."

"Great!" Olivia says more brightly than she feels. "Dec offered to make his sauce and meat balls for dinner if you'd like." This conversation feels so awkward, as if they are really having two parallel conversations, one consisting of social pleasantries and the other of honest sentiments. _Please let me try to make up for how nasty I was last time we talked._

"That would be really nice," Kathy's voice is a little softer now. _I accept your peace offering_. "The kids love his cooking. What time would you plan to come out?"

"I don't know, four-ish?" Olivia offers, "Whenever is good for you. And Kathy….?" Again she hesitates, but it has to be said. "We'd be bringing August—is that going to be okay?"

"Of course," Kathy says and the emotion is her voice is palpable. "Olivia, please don't think…oh god…" She stops and gathers herself before going on. "August is not to blame for any of this…please…she is always welcome here."

Olivia feels intense relief at her words. "I just don't want it to be awkward for Elliot," she explains.

"Liv, it's not like that for him, really, it's not. I'll double check with him when he wakes up, but I'm sure it's okay."

Olivia can hear the shower shut off in the bathroom so she hurries on. "Kathy, I want to apologize for the last time we spoke. I was so upset, but I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."

There's a pause before Kathy responds and again, her voice sounds strained. "Liv, we were both stressed out and on edge. I think we both said things we shouldn't have."

"It's been a tough time," Olivia admits. "Kathy, I'm so glad Elliot is home and doing better. I really didn't mean to do anything to hurt him..."

"I know that," Kathy says softly. "We'll get past this, Liv. Somehow, we'll all get past this. We have to."

* * *

Kathy goes out to the living room where Elliot and Eli are both asleep in a recliner, Eli stretched out across his lap and the sides of the chair to avoid his chest. He has been stuck to his father like glue since he got home. She picks up the remote and turns off the nature channel they were watching before they dozed off. Elliot has a restless night, the pain medication helped him sleep, but he woke her up several times, groaning in his sleep as he tried to get comfortable. She wondered if he was dreaming about the shooting.

She bends over to gently scoop Eli up and move him to the couch so he doesn't accidentally kick his father . He stirs, but goes right back to sleep when she lays him down and covers him with a blanket. He doesn't usually nap in the afternoons anymore, but the excitement of having his father home has worn him out. She brushes his dark curls off her forehead and reminds herself to make an appointment for him for a haircut soon.

When she straightens up, Elliot is awake and looking at her with sleepy eyes. "Hey," he says, and she moves over to sit on the side of his chair.

"Hey yourself," she replies, "How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?

He shakes his head. "You don't have to wait on me. I need to be up and moving around."

"Elliot, you've been home less than twenty-four hours, don't try to be tough guy. I _want _to take care of you."

He smiles and puts his warm hand on her leg. "And you're doing a terrific job. When I'm better, I'm going to pamper you."

She laughs and puts her hand over his. "And I will definitely take you up on that. But for now, I'm in charge. How about some lunch?" He hesitates and she adds "You've got to eat if you want to get better." He hasn't had much of an appetite and the weight loss is being to show, especially in his face and neck. "Maybe just some soup?"

He nods and she gives him a quick kiss before going off to the kitchen to heat up some soup and make toast. When she returns, she tells him about Olivia's call. There is a fleeting emotion that passes across his face before he nods his okay. Fear? Regret? It's gone so quickly that she can't identify it.

"And it's okay if they bring August?" she adds, watching his reaction closely. He nods again, more emphatically this time.

"Kathy, I've had a lot of time to think. August isn't my child, she belongs to them. I'm not going to spend anymore time thinking or worrying about her. We've got our own family and that's all that matters to me. August is in good hands."

She looks at him in surprise. "That's not what you were saying in the hospital, Elliot, just the opposite."

He looks frustrated and motions toward his chest. "The shooting—all of this-it made me put things in perspective. I was foolish to be spending so much time worrying about her when I've got all I need or want." He reaches for her hand and nods his head toward Eli sleeping a few feet away. "This is all that matters to me, our family, right here."

She nods slowly, taking it all in. "And how are you going to persuade Olivia that that's true? She's been a nervous wreck that somehow the truth is going to get out and Declan will find out."

Elliot look's surprised. "I would never say anything to Dec," he says. "Why would she think that?"

"Oh, not to Declan directly...but Cragen, everyone is wondering...why on earth you went for that gun."

He looked at her, his eyes dark and somber. "I've been thinking about that too and you were right, Kath. I probably would have done the same thing regardless of August. I couldn't let Olivia die."

Kathy nods again, and smiles gently at him. "Of course you wouldn't." It has taken her many years to come to terms with her husband's relationship with his partner, but she no longer feels threatened. Ironic, given that they've actually slept together but now that she is close friends with Olivia, she understands that she would never do anything to undermine their marriage. Knowing that she is happy with Declan helps too. She can deal with the affection, even love that Elliot feels for Olivia. It's only natural for all of the time they've spent together and all that they've been through. The only thing that matters is that he comes home to her at night.

* * *

_He is running down a hallway. Every time he thinks he is almost at the end, it takes a turn and another long stretch appears before him. He can hear Olivia calling him in the distance. She needs him, but no matter how fast he runs, her voice doesn't get any closer. A baby is crying in the opposite direction and he can hear a small voice asking "Daddy? Where are we?" and realizes it is coming from Eli, whom he is carrying on his back. The lights are flickering, making it even harder to tell where he is supposed to be going. His back is aching from the weight of his son and he wants desperately just to stop and rest, but he is needed, he has to keep going._

He awakes to a searing pain in his chest and Kathy shaking his shoulder, asking him anxiously if he is okay. He winces at the pain—he has evidently been thrashing around in his sleep and his ribs are protesting vehemently.

"Just …a…bad…dream," he gasps, trying to catch his breath. His heart is pounding as if he actually had been running.

"About the shooting?" Kathy asks sympathetically. He shakes his head but doesn't elaborate. "I'll get your pills," she says, and disappears into the bathroom. He hears water running and she is back in a minute with a cup of cold water and two of his painkillers. He'd tried to sleep without them tonight, but evidently that wasn't such a great idea. Groaning, he raises himself up on one elbow and takes the cup with Kathy with the other hand. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, he sees that it is almost 4 a.m.

"Thanks," he tells her, handing back the cup and then manages to sit up on the side of the bed. "I think I'll go down to the recliner for the rest of the night."

"Are you sure?" she asks in concern.

"I think I'll be more comfortable sitting up." He reaches for the sweatpants he dropped next to the bed when he went to bed, but even that small effort brings another stab of pain. Kathy picks up the pants and helps him put them on. "I feel so fucking useless," he tells her, rising slowly to stand.

"It's only temporary," she reminds him. "It's going to take time, El, but you'll be back to normal."

She helps him back down the stairs and into the recliner, bringing him a blanket, the remote, a glass of water from the kitchen. Unable to think of anything else he might need, she hovers at his side. "Do you want me to stay down here with you? I can sleep on the couch."

"No," he says, "I'll be fine. Eli's going to be up in a few hours, go get some sleep."

She bends to kiss him softly. "Just yell if you need me," she says, pressing her cheek against his for a moment. "And don't be discouraged. You're doing great, El, you really are."

He listens as she ascends back up to the bedroom, hitting the creaky stair he has meant to fix for months. Once she is settled back in their bed above him, he closes his eyes, not to sleep, but to think. It doesn't take a genius to interpret his dream. It's an accurate reflection of his feelings of being torn in so many different directions. Even his subconscious is telling him that he has to make a decision. He needs to, _wants_ to be there for his family, but if that involves leaving the Special Victims Unit, which means leaving Olivia. And always, off in the distance, is August.

He shifts in the chair, trying to get comfortable, so impossibly sick of lying and sitting around. He longs for the day when he can go for a long run or lift weights, but just the thought of the latter sends a pain shooting through his still angry ribs. The medication is starting to kick in however, and the gives into the spreading bliss of a pain-free zone. He can understand how people get addicted to pain medication. Feeling nothing at all is very appealing right now.


	16. Chapter 16

Declaration

"Do you want me to call Olivia and Declan and cancel for tonight?" Kathy asks Elliot the next morning. When she comes downstairs with Eli at almost seven, she finds him sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee from a pot he's already made by himself. She is glad to see him up and around, but he looks tired and his face is drawn.

He shakes his head no, and pulls out the chair next to him for Eli, who climbs up and sits next to him, waiting for his morning bowls of cereal.

"Mornin', Daddy," he chirps. "You all better now?" He looks at his father hopefully.

"Almost," Elliot assures him.

"Since both of you are up, how about some French toast this morning?" Kathy asks, handing Eli a Sippy cup of orange juice. He shakes his head vehemently. "I just want cereal, Mommy."

Elliot adds his own refusal. "Thanks, babe, but I'm not that hungry yet."

"You're sure you're up to company?" she asks after she has poured Eli his Cheerios and herself a cup of coffee. She takes the seat next to Elliot and strokes his arm, noticing that even his wrist looks thinner. Somehow, she can't get enough of touching her husband, reminding herself that he is really, truly alive and well and home again. He doesn't seem to mind the extra attention,; she has noticed that he has been extra-affectionate himself since he's been home. This whole experience has been a wake-up call for both of them to not take each other for granted.

"I'll be fine," he assures her. He has a determined look in his eyes and she suspects that he wants to get the awkwardness of seeing Olivia again behind him. Truth be told, so does she. She has come to rely on Olivia s friendship over the past year and to have things tense between them at such a difficult time has not been easy. She could use her best friend right now.

"Okay then," she tells him. "But you have to eat _something_ for breakfast? Toast? Scrambled eggs?"

He points to Eli's bowl. "I'll have what he's having."

* * *

Elliot has napped and showered and looks much better than he did that morning. They had a good laugh as she tried to figure out how to re-wrap his ribs after changing the dressing on his chest. Despite all of the times the nurses in the hospital demonstrated how to do it, she finds it difficult to get the right mix between too loose and too tight.

"This is NOT just like swaddling a baby," she mutters under her breath, recalling the advice one nurse had given her.

Elliot grunts as she pulled a little too tightly on the flexible bandage. " Just leave enough room for me to breathe, okay?"

She fumbles with the little metal clasp that is supposed to hold the bandages closed and then helps him slide into an faded denim button up shirt that doesn't require him to raise his arms to get it on. He immediately rolls the sleeves up to his elbows, exposing his Marine Corp tattoo. With one finger, she traces the outline, as she often does with the crucifix on his arm. "It seems so long ago when you were in the Corp," she muses.

"A lifetime ago," he agrees, pulling her close. It is awkward, because she doesn't want to put any pressure on his chest, but they stand together for a few minutes, forehead to forehead. "I kinda like having my own personal nurse."

She laughs. "As long as you're my patient, I'll play nurse any day."

* * *

Eli is a bundle of excited nerves for the half hour before Olivia and Declan arrive, making Kathy almost sorry she told him they were coming. When the doorbell rings, he races to answer first, opening it to usher in Olivia carrying the baby and Declan following with a large metal pot from which amazing odors are emanating. He may be Irish, but Declan is well-known for his sauce. He claims he learned to make it to survive bachelorhood and to have one dish he could use to lure "babes" to his apartment.

Elliot awkwardly pushes himself up out of the recliner and comes over to give Olivia a hug. "Thanks for coming out," he tells her, and bends to give August a quick kiss on the cheek. "Hey there, cutie. You've gotten bigger since I've seen you." He is blithely casual, as if she is any cute baby of any close friend. August looks at him solemnly with big brown eyes. She's at the age where strangers often provoke negative responses and she doesn't see Elliot often enough to remember him. Just as she is getting ready to pucker up and start wailing, Eli saves the day by tugging on Olivia's arm.

"Can August play with me on the floor?" He points to where he has his blocks all set up on the rug, after going through all of his toys with Kathy to figure out which ones are safe for an infant. "I'll watch her for you."

"Sure, "Olivia laughs, and removing her daughter's fleece jacket, sets her down on the floor where she promptly crawls toward the tower of blocks and tumbles it over. Eli giggles and begins assembling another structure so that she can do it all over again.

The twins have come downstairs at the sound of the doorbell. Lizzie gives Olivia a quick hug and says hello to Declan before joining the little ones on the rug. Her blond head bends over their dark ones as she helps Eli pile the blocks up for the baby to tumble.

"Where's Mariclair?" Dick asks, peering around Liv and Dec as if they have somehow forgotten her at the front door. Kathy and Liv exchange glances of amusement. They've long suspected that Dick has a crush on the pretty Brazilian au pair, who at 23 is seven years his senior.

"Sundays are her day off," Olivia explains, handing their coats to a disappointed Dick so he can stash them in the closet.

Elliot goes back to the recliner and eases himself gingerly down while Kathy leads Declan to the kitchen with his pot of sauce. Olivia sits on the couch next to him.

"Ribs still sore?" She asks softly.

"A little," he admits, "But it's getting easier to move around." They are silent for a few minutes, watching the kids play on the floor. Kathy calls the twins in to the kitchen to help and they are left alone with the two little ones who so wrapped up in their build and destroy game that they are oblivious to the adults.

"So how are you really doing?" Olivia asks, searching his face for clues. As soon as she came in, she noticed how much thinner he is. He looks years older than just a few weeks ago.

"Glad to be out of that hospital," he says with a grimace and then glances toward the kitchen. "Listen, Liv, I just want you to know…" The kitchen door swings open and Lizzie comes out to ask what they'd like to drink, listing off what is available like an experienced waitress. Olivia requests a glass of wine and Elliot points to the glass of water next to his chair. "I'm good, sweetie," he tells her. "Thanks for helping your mom." When she leaves again, he leans toward Olivia as far as his ribs will allow.

"You don't need to worry about me and…" he motions toward August playing on the floor. She is sitting there, dressed in turquoise leggings and a print hoodie, her tiny socked feet in striped socks splayed out in front of her, waiting intently for Eli to give her another tower to topple. "This whole shooting has been a wake-up call for me. I know she's in good hands with you and Dec. She's not my responsibility to worry about. I won't anymore."

At the mention of the shooting, Olivia's face darkens and he is quick to add, after looking again at the kitchen door to be sure they are still alone: "Liv, I don't blame you for what happened in the warehouse either. We both screwed up. I wasn't just thinking of August; I never would have let anything happen to you."

Olivia's dark eyes widen at his comment, but before she can respond, they are interrupted again, this time by Dick bringing out a tray of appetizers, followed by Lizzie with Olivia's glass of wine. The two partners hold each other's gaze for a minute longer, and then Olivia gives him the briefest of nods before accepting Lizzie's offering.


	17. Chapter 17

Signs

Driving home from Queens with Declan riding beside her and her daughter safely tucked in her car seat in the back, Olivia feels relaxed for the first time in weeks. It was good to see Elliot out of the hospital and on the mend, even though he still looks rough. As incomplete as their conversation had been, it was clear that he's come to an understanding with himself on the issue of August. It feels like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. She glances over at Declan and catches him eyeing her.

"You look happy," he says, reaching out to slide a hand along her thigh.

"It was a nice evening," she replies, taking one hand off the wheel and placing it over his large one. "Your sauce was a big hit, as always."

"Yeah, my one claim to fame," he chuckles. "I think Dick put away three helpings of pasta all by himself." He glances over his shoulder at August, who is half asleep in her car seat, clutching a stuffed bear that Eli had insisted she take home with her. "It's hard to believe that she's going to be a teenager someday, isn't it?"

"It is," Olivia agrees, checking out her baby girl in the rear view mirror. "It will happen so fast; I can remember when the twins were Eli's age. And now they're looking for colleges."

Declan begins to slide his hand up and down his wife's thigh, apparently without purpose, but Olivia catches a slight lift at the corner of his mouth. "Do you think August will mind being an only child?" he idly asks, increasing the pressure toward the inside of her thigh. Olivia looks at him in surprise. They've never discussed this before. "I mean, I see how close all of the Stabler kids are, and I know how much my brothers and sisters mean to me," he gives a little laugh, "even though I wanted to kill them half of the time when we were growing up. Is she going to miss out on all of that?"

"I was an only child," Olivia reminds him. "I turned out okay." She had, in fact, spent most of her childhood wishing for a brother or sister. If she couldn't have a father, at least a sibling to share the burden of a mother who was drunk most of the time, another person to deflect her mother's anger when she'd spent too much time with the bottle.

"More than okay," Declan agrees. He picked up her hand and kisses it. "Besides, she has Eli, he's like a brother to her. Sometimes I think they even look alike."

Olivia turns quickly to look at him, but he is staring straight ahead now, absently running his thumb over the back of her hand. Is he joking around? Does he suspect something? "Really?" she says, in a tone that is much lighter than she feels, "Other than they both have dark hair, I don't think they look anything alike." Feeling like that may have sounded too defensive, she quickly adds: "But she does adore him, he's always going to be like a big brother to her."

"Yeah, that will have to do,"Declan muses, still stroking her hand. He turns to look at her with a devilish grin that gives her goosebumps. "Let's get this sleepy baby home and put her to bed, hmm? I have plans for her mother."

Olivia laughs, partially out of relief that his comment was really just off the cuff, and that he isn't even trying to disguise his intentions. She gives him a big smile in return. .

"I might just have some plans of my own for her father."

* * *

Over the next week, Elliot gets stronger and stronger. He is in less pain and rarely needs medication. He insists on doing everything for himself and starts taking walks outside, at first just down to the corner and back, but gradually increasing the distance. When Eli is not at day care, he accompanies his father on the walks, holding his hand and chattering away.

At first, Kathy is elated with his progress. It slowly dawns on her though, that while Elliot is doing well physically, in some ways that she can't quite put her finger on, he's not himself. He's still not eating much and she feels like a nag, always asking him what he'd like. Despite the increased exercise and fresh air, he's not sleeping well. She'll roll over during the night and find him wide awake and staring at the ceiling, or out of bed altogether, downstairs watching late night television. He naps during the day. He is gentle and attentive to the kids and loving with her, but something just isn't right. He often seems lost in thought, but when she asks him if there's anything on his mind, he shrugs and tells her no. Olivia calls almost every day, but he doesn't have any interest in what is going on at the precinct, and in fact, has cut her off several times when she tried to ask his opinion on a case.

When Elliot is out walking with Eli one afternoon, Kathy puts in a call to Dr. Templeton's office. Elliot has a follow-up appointment with Templeton in two days, but she knows he will be furious if she brings up her concerns with him present. Perhaps if she lays the groundwork, Templeton will know what to look for when he sees him. To her surprise and relief, the doctor returns her call within ten minutes of calling his service.

"Mrs. Stabler," he says cheerily, "What can I do for you?"

She explains her concerns and can hear him taking notes at the other end of the line.

"I'm glad you called," he tells her. "It sounds like your husband maybe going through what's known as PSDA, or post-surgical depression and anxiety. It's not uncommon and similar to PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. In fact, given the circumstance of his injury, he might have a combination of both."

"He won't be happy if he knows that I called you," she says, "but I'm worried about him."

"I won't mention it," he promises, "but this information will ensure that I ask the right questions at his appointment. Try not to worry too much; this is just one more step in the recovery process. Identifying the problem will help get him the right treatment, and hopefully, by the time he's physically ready to return to work, this will be resolved as well."

"He doesn't even talk about going back to work," Kathy tells him. "This job has been his life for the past twelve years and he doesn't even want to talk to his partner about it when she calls. It's not like him at all."

"We'll get to the bottom of it," Templeton promises her.

* * *

That evening, she suggests they go out to dinner. Elliot looks at her as if she has lost a few marbles. He hasn't gone anywhere but walks in the neighborhood since he's been home.

"It will do us good to get out of the house," she urges. "We can meet the girls at that pizza place near their apartment. We don't have to stay long." She's afraid that he's getting too used to being in the house, seeing just them all of the time. She plans to call Cragen tomorrow and see if he can get the team members to start paying some visits.

He reluctantly agrees, and goes upstairs to change while she calls Maureen and Kathleen to see if they are available.

"Kathleen can meet us, but Maureen has to work," she tells him when he returns, clad in a pair of jeans that fit perfectly a few weeks ago but are now baggy. "I had to promise to send any leftovers home with Kathleen for her."

Elliot gives a snort of laughter. "We'll have to order something to go then. I doubt there will be any leftovers with Dickie there."

"What about leftovers?" Dick asks as he barges in the front door. Lizzie has been home for an hour, but her twin stayed after school for a meeting. "And don't call me Dickie. You know I hate it."

He comes to stand next to Elliot, draping his arm lightly around his shoulder. All of the kids are careful with their father, as if afraid to hurt him, but for Dick, the habit of rough housing is hard to totally break. Kathy looks at him, only a few inches shorter than Elliot's six feet, handsome in his navy school blazer, a maroon tie hanging loose from the collar of his button down shirt. The twins attend the same Catholic school from which their older sisters graduated, the same school where Elliot and Kathy met years ago. Kathy's family had moved to Queens in the summer before their senior year, and Elliot had been immediately intrigued when she showed up his in his math class. She was different from the girls he'd grown up with, more worldly, having moved to Queens from Manhattan Her ethereal blond appearance and lithe figure had captivated him. When they'd finally met at a party a few months later, he'd been elated. By the end of the school year they were a solid couple, talking about marriage after college. College plans for both of them were derailed when Kathy realized she was pregnant with Maureen right after graduation. Elliot ended up entering the Marine Corps and going to night school when his enlistment ended while she stayed home to raise Maureen and then Kathleen.

Now she is looking at her son, who reminds her so much of Elliot at this age: cocky and impossibly handsome like his father, but with a serious side that Elliot never showed until he was much older. She hopes that he will take time to enjoy his youth and not rush into adult life like she and Elliot had. While she wouldn't change a thing about they have had together, she wants more for her children. Both twins are straight A students with bright futures ahead of them.

Snapping out of her reverie, she walks over and pats her son on the cheek. "Get off your poor father and go get changed; tell Lizzie we're going to Dominick's for pizza."

"Yes!" he exclaims, grabbing his backpack and heading for the stairs. Elliot laughs at his enthusiasm and goes to the living room to pry Eli away from his afternoon hour of cartoons.


	18. Chapter 18

Melancholy

Elliot has an appointment for a cardiac MRI the next day in preparation for his follow-up with Templeton. He and Kathy drop Eli off at day care on their way to the hospital. Elliot has only been to the day care facility a few times, so Eli is excited to show him his cubby and introduce his father to his friends.

"Show them your big boo-boo, Daddy!" Eli suggests. The group of three and four year olds in Circle Time looks at him hopefully, but Elliot shakes his head, laughing.

"I don't think that's a good idea, buddy." He bends carefully to kiss Eli goodbye. "Mom and I will be back in a few hours, okay?" Eli nods, already anxious to join his friends. Elliot watches as he eagerly takes his place in the group on the floor. He had not been thrilled when Kathy decided she wanted to go back to school and put Eli in day care part-time, but he has to admit, it has worked out well. Eli looks forward to playing with kids his own age and looking around, Elliot concedes it is a nice place, clean, airy and comfortably equipped with child-sized furniture and toys. When Kathy had first enrolled, he had of course checked out the credentials of the center and was pleased to find that it had an excellent reputation and no history of violations.

He is in and out of the imaging center in record time. Kathy looks up in surprise when he is in back in the waiting room before she has time to browse through an entire magazine.

"That was fast," she comments, picking up her purse. When Elliot tells her what happened inside, she laughs out loud, drawing an irritated look from the receptionist.

"What was your surgery for?" the technician had asked as he prepped Elliot for the procedure, obviously expecting to hear that he had bypass surgery or a valve replacement like most of the patients he tests.

"Gun shot wound." Elliot told him tersely, making it clear by his tone that he doesn't want any questions. The tech's eyes widen, but he goes back to his machines without further comment. Within minutes after the test has ended, he clears Elliot to leave, promising to have the results to Templeton's office by the next morning.

"Since you're done so early, why don't we go out to lunch?" Kathy asks as they get the parking ticket validated and head out to the car. "Or are you too tired?"

"I'm kind of tired," Elliot admits. "Do you mind if we just go home?" The night before had been another restless night and he had ended up on the couch at 3am so that he wouldn't keep Kathy awake.

"That's fine," Kathy says, although she's disappointed. Elliot had seemed to rally a bit at the restaurant last night with the kids, but as soon as they got back home, he excused himself to go upstairs. Then, when she woke in the middle of the night, she found his side of the bed empty and could hear the faint sounds of the television from downstairs. She hopes that Templeton will have some ideas when he sees Elliot, because this watered-down version of her husband is beginning to frighten her. Elliot has always had the strongest, most vital personality she has ever known. His very presence in a room usually fills it with energy, but now he wanders around the house, a thin shell of the man he used to be. She can tell that something is eating away at him, but he obviously doesn't want to discuss it with her. She wonders if he would be more open with Olivia or his other team members.

She takes Elliot back to the house and watches as he heads straight to the recliner and settles in. His eyes start to close almost immediately. This routine of being up half the night and sleeping during the day can't be good for him, but he needs as much rest as possible if he's going to heal from his injuries. Sighing softly, she asks "Can I get you something to eat, babe?" Before the words are even totally out of her mouth, he's shaking his head.

"I'm just going to sleep for a little while; I'll make a sandwich later," he tells her. "You go ahead and get Eli, I'll be fine."

She kisses him softly on the forehead and then again, on the lips. He smiles up at her, his blue eyes drowsy with sleep. He's been tender and loving and attentive since he's been home, but has shown absolutely no interest in anything more. She knows he's still recuperating and that physically he's still weak, but again, this is not the Elliot she knows.

"I'm going to stop at the store for some groceries before I pick Eli up," she says in a tone than is far cheerier than how she actually feels. "Is there anything special you'd like me to get?" There's no response; he's already asleep.

* * *

Outside in the car, Kathy pulls out her cell phone and dials a familiar number.

"Benson."

"Olivia, it's Kathy. Do you have a minute?"

"Yeah, it's a quiet day for a change, what's up?"

There has been residual awkwardness between the two of them since their heated words when Elliot was still in the hospital, but Kathy desperately needs someone to talk to and there's no one who knows her husband as well as his partner. She fills Olivia in on her concerns.

"That doesn't sound like the Elliot Stabler I know at all," Liv agrees, sounding worried, "have you talked to his doctor to see what he thinks?"

"He has an appointment tomorrow," Kathy explains, and tells her how she has already called to alert Templeton. "But I was thinking, maybe if he saw you and the rest of the unit, it might snap him out of this funk he's in, remind him of the job he's got waiting for him when's he healed."

"Kathy, you know I've been talking to him on the phone, but he doesn't seem interested at all in work" Olivia explains. "Every time I bring up anything, he changes the subject."

"I know," Kathy muses. "And I never thought I'd be complaining about him being at home _too_ much…but could you or maybe Cragen come up with a reason why he needs to come into the precinct? I think he just needs to be jolted out of this little cocoon he's burrowed himself into."

"Maybe it's just too soon, Kath," Olivia says gently. "He's been through a terrible ordeal; I know what it's like to face your own mortality. Maybe he just needs time."

"I suppose you're right," Kathy sighs. "I'm just worried, Liv. This…this just isn't Elliot." She pauses for a minute, and her voice is low and trembling when she goes on. "What if…what if the real Elliot never comes back?"

* * *

Elliot has another restless night, not surprising given that he slept for almost four hours in the afternoon. She'd had to wake him up for dinner and even then he'd been groggy and not very talkative. Eli, who was loving having his father home all of the time, more than made up for it with his constant chatter, but Kathy noticed the twins giving their father worried looks when they had to ask him a question more than once.

They arrive at his appointment with the surgeon early. Kathy is so anxious to have him examine and evaluate her husband that she practically shoves him and Eli out the door much sooner than they actually need to leave. Elliot doesn't seem to notice; he is off in his usually state of distraction. They drop Eli off at the day care center and, noticing how much time they have, Kathy makes a stop at a Starbucks for a calorie-laden drink for her too-thin husband. She doesn't make the mistake of asking him what he wants, just goes in and comes back and hands him a Carmel Brulee Latte and a scone. He makes a face at the sweet drink—he normally takes his coffee black—but drinks it without argument and polishes off most of the scone on the way to the office.

In the waiting room, Elliot takes a seat and stares off into the distance while Kathy looks for a recent magazine to browse. She notices an elderly couple making their way into the room, the husband holding the door for his frail wife and then helping her to a seat. She smiles at their obvious devotion to each other and gives Elliot a gentle nudge.

"Think that will be us in a few years?" She asks softly. He follows her gaze and then smiles.

"I hope we're not waiting here that long," he says dryly and Kathy laughs, probably more than the comment warrants, but it's such a relief to have him show any attempt at humor.

When the nurse finally calls his name, thirty minutes after his scheduled appointment, Elliot stands, but Kathy remains sitting, still thumbing through her magazine.

"Aren't you coming?" he asks, surprised.

"I thought you might want some privacy," she shrugs, her gaze fixed on the page before her.

He laughs softly. "I think you've probably seen pretty much everything I've got to offer by now."

The nurse stifles a snicker and Kathy reluctantly gets up and follows them in. She was hoping he'd be more open with Templeton without her present, but refusing to go in with him will make him suspicious.

After instructing Elliot to strip down to his boxers, the nurse leaves them alone. Elliot has barely finished undressing when the doctor hurries into the room, apologizing for their wait. He sits down at a small desk and flips open a laptop, pulling up Elliot's chart, including the pictures from his cardiac MRI.

"The MRI shows that you're healing up beautifully," he tells them, pointing to the area of the scan that shows where the repair was made to his vena cava. Kathy can see the faint outline that must be the surgical scar, but if Templeton wasn't pointing it out, she never would have spotted it on her own. "And the chest x-ray shows that your ribs are doing the same." He wheels around on his chair and looks at Elliot, who is sitting at the end of the exam table. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," Elliot tells him. "My ribs don't hurt unless I move too quickly or strain."

"Any pain at the site of the incision?" Templeton asks, getting off his stool and coming over to the table. He pulls a glove out of his pocket and after putting it on, prods the area around the angry red scar on his chest.

"Only if Eli jumps on me," Elliot tells him and Templeton, who met their energetic son in the hospital, laughs.

"It will be tender for awhile," he explains, "and when summer comes, you'll need to be careful to use sunscreen on the scar." Kathy smiles at the mental image of her shirtless husband, mowing the lawn, hoping that by summer he _will _be back to his usual routines and energy level.

Templeton puts him through a variety of movements as he listens to his lungs and heart and feels the sites of his rib breaks. Elliot winces a few times when he probes the ribs, but says nothing. The doctor returns to his stool and makes a few notes, then swivels on his stool to face them again.

"Okay," he says, "physically you're doing great, better than expected. It helps that you were in excellent health and condition before your…accident." Elliot gives a little snort at his choice of words and Templeton gives him a wry smile, acknowledging this understatement. "So, how are things going otherwise?"

Elliot looks at him, clearly confused. What matters, other than how he is physically healing?

"Are you sleeping normally?" Templeton asks. Elliot shrugs. Kathy bites her tongue to stop from speaking for him.

"So, I'll take that as a no. Appetite? "Elliot glances at Kathy before shrugging again.

"I don't feel like eating much," he admitted. "Food doesn't really interest me."

"You look like you've lost weight," Templeton comments. "Some weight loss is to be expected after a hospital stay and their abominable food," he inserts a grin here, "but you should make an effort to eat as much as you normally would. Eating is a habit, once you get out of that habit; it's easy to stay out. You need fresh fruits and vegetables and lots of protein. Your body has a lot of work to do to heal and you need to keep it fueled."

Elliot nods, but he looks less than enthused, probably imagining Kathy doubling her efforts to get him to eat now.

"How are you feeling emotionally? Any depression? Flashbacks to the shooting?"

Kathy all but holds her breath. Talking about emotional issues is not Elliot's strong point in the best of times and lately he is even less likely to do so.

"I have….occasional flashbacks…" Elliot admits cautiously.

"That's to be expected," Templeton states calmly. "In fact, I'd be surprised if you didn't. You've been through something most people will never experience. Flashbacks are normal." He waits to see if Elliot offers anything else and when he doesn't, he probes further.

"How is your state of mind in general? Do you feel like your energy level is returning to normal? Are you looking forward to going back to work?

Here, Elliot hesitates and glances at Kathy before answering.

"I don't know if I want to go back to work," he says in a low voice. "I don't know if I can."

Kathy sits up straighter in her chair. This is news to her. For all of the times she's wished that her husband had chosen a different line of work, she can't imagine him now walking away from the job that defines him. He's been with Special Victims for so long, it is part of who he is. He is a walking, talking advocate for victims.

Templeton scoots his stool a little closer. "Elliot, I'm going to be straight with you here. Healing emotionally is just as important as physical recovery. After an experience like yours, it would be unusual for a person to not suffer some emotional trauma. I'm sure you're familiar with PTSD?" Elliot nods, and he continues. "I imagine the department has a psychiatrist on retainer? Someone who would have to clear you before you can return to active duty?"

Elliot stiffens. "Yes, but…I can't talk to him."

"Why not?"

"Because if he feels that anything I tell him could compromise my job performance, he's obligated to report it," Elliot almost growls. "There's no doctor-patient privilege when it comes to NYPD."

Templeton nods thoughtfully. "Then I can give the name of a few other therapists, people who specialize in traumatic incidents. But I'm going to insist that you speak to someone as part of your treatment plan. We need to heal all of you, not just your body."

Elliot says little for the rest of the appointment. Templeton scribbles some names on a sheet of paper, and hands it to him. "If you're not comfortable with the first person you talk to, try another. Everyone is different and a good fit is important." He waits until Elliot meets his eyes and nods before continuing. "I'm also going to refer you to a cardiologist. Everything looks fine to me, but I'd like a specialist to review your case before clearing you to go back to work-or whatever you decide to do."

He looks at Kathy then, meeting her gaze directly for the first time since the appointment began. "If _you_ have any concerns, Mrs. Stabler, feel free to call me. If he needs a kick in the pants to make an appointment with one of these therapists, I'm happy to be the bad guy, okay?"

Kathy nods, appreciating his discretion in not ratting out that she has already spoken to him, but opening the door for her to call on him again for help.

As they walk out to the parking lot, Elliot is quiet.

"Are you okay?" Kathy asks lightly, linking her arm through his. He nods, and looks down at her, his eyes dark and serious.

"He's right, I guess," Elliot admits softly. "I probably do need to talk to someone, and it can't be Huang. I can't tell him about August and if he knew I was considering leaving the force, it would put up all kinds of red flags."

"Are you really considering it?" Kathy is almost afraid to ask, afraid he'll retreat back into silence.

He stops walking and looks at her, pulls her close, looking her in the face. "When I was lying there, after I was shot, all I could think was that I'd never see you and the kids again. I don't know if I can go back to a job that puts me in that situation again."

"But Elliot, what's different about this time?" She has to ask, he's talking and she wants to take advantage of this opportunity, even if it's in the middle of a parking lot. People walking by to their cars are casting them curious looks, but she ignores them. "You've been shot before."

"Not like this, before it was just…pain. This time, I really thought I might die, and it made me realize how much I have to lose. "

"I can't believe I'm asking this, because I was so afraid we were going to lose you too, but Elliot—what would you _do_ if you left the force?"

He gives a short bark of a laugh. "Well, I'm too old for my back-up plan of being an astronaut." When she doesn't laugh, he gets serious again. "I don't know, Kathy, I don't know how to do anything else. I know I'm not cut out for a desk job in the department; it's got to be all or nothing. So I need to decide, before they clear me and I have to talk to Huang anyway. I need to have figured it out before then."

Kathy takes his hand and they resume walking slowly toward the van. "Whatever you decide, El, either way, I'll back you all the way."


	19. Chapter 19

Healing

The telephone conversation with Kathy leaves Olivia feeling unsettled and anxious for the rest of the day. The behavior described doesn't sound at all like the Elliot she has known for years and she can't help but wonder if it is more than the shooting that is causing the changes in his personality. What if it is also about August? Have they expected too much from him, asking him to father a child and then basically ignore her existence? If there is one thing Olivia knows about Elliot it is how important his children are to him. Being a better father than his own was is what motivates him, both at home and on the job. Have she and Kathy put him in an untenable situation by expecting him to pretend that August has no connection to him?

She is late getting home from work that night; with Elliot out they are short-handed and everyone is working long hours. Cragen seems reluctant to find a temporary replacement and Olivia is glad. The last thing she needs right now is to have to adjust to a new partner even it is only for a short while.

Declan is bathing August when she gets home. She stands in the doorway, watching her big hunk of a husband as he splashes and plays with their small daughter from the side of the tub. August loves the water and would spend hours in the bath; Declan is always happy to oblige her. He is so patient and loving with her. Not for the first time, Olivia feels a twinge of guilt at having deceived him about her parentage. Not for the first time, she wonders what his reaction would be if she tells him the truth now. He moved beyond being jealous of Elliot long ago; he knows how much she loves _him_ and has seen for himself how solid the Stablers are as a couple. Elliot is no threat to their relationship. The fact that she deceived him is an entirely different matter.

Declan looks up to see her standing in the doorway and gives her a big smile. "Hey, August, look who's home?" he croons, using the distraction of seeing her mother to scoop the little girl out of the tub without her usual protest. He wraps her in a towel and passes her over to Olivia, who buries her face in her daughters' wet neck and hair and tickles her with her breath. August squeals with delight but then pulls away to reach for Dec.

"Da!" she demands firmly. This child knows what she wants, and Olivia passes her over, shaking her head. She has yet to hear her say "mama" but everyone assures her that it will be soon; that the "d" sound develops before "m", but a part of her is still a little hurt.

"I'll get her pajamas on and you can give her a bottle," Dec laughs, tossing his daughter in the air and catching her as he heads for her bedroom. "We saved you some dinner, it's in the microwave."

As she eats the warmed-up food, Olivia thinks about how much her life has changed over the past two years. Working late has always been part of the job, but coming home to a prepared meal and people who are happy to see her is still a novelty. She spent so many years on her own; a part of her thought she would always be alone. Can she risk all that she has now to make things right for Elliot and with Declan?

When he returns with August, she is dressed in soft cotton pajamas and clutching the stuffed animal Eli had given her when they last visited the Stablers. This gives Olivia another pang. August isn't really an only child; she has five half-siblings who already adore her—how would any of them feel if they knew the truth?

She accepts the warm, now sleepy body of her daughter and holds her close. August rests her head on her mother's shoulder while she warms up a bottle.

"Thanks," she says to Dec, leaning in to give him a kiss as she passes by on her way to the rocking chair in Augusts' bedroom. This is her favorite time of the day, putting her daughter to sleep. If she were raising her as a single parent, this might have been a stressful moment, the end of a long day of doing too much. Thanks to Declan and Mariclair, she has people to share both the joy and burdens of parenthood. How can she jeopardize all that they have together?

* * *

The next morning after breakfast, Elliot surprises Kathy by asking for the list of names Templeton had given him. She expected to have to nag him to make an appointment, or have her make the calls for him, but he takes the list with a resigned sigh and goes into the living room with his cell phone. When he comes back, he is scowling.

"The first guy was an asshole," he mutters, placing the list on the table and pouring himself another coffee. "He told me I probably just need an antidepressant and to call my family doctor for a prescription."

Kathy smiles. The day her husband allows someone to put him on medication will be one for the history books; it's a miracle that he has agreed to talk to someone.

"Lots of people benefit from short-term use of anti-depressants," she says in a mild tone. "Don't make up your mind against something without giving it a chance."

"He hasn't even met me, how can he diagnose something like that over the phone?" Elliot scoffs. "I left a message for the second person on the list; hopefully he doesn't have his head up his ass too."

Kathy is glad that Eli is upstairs playing in his room and not present to mimic his father's language but she's too happy to see Elliot engaged in an activity to say anything. After all he's been t through he's entitled to use a little foul language.

* * *

The second therapist calls Elliot back within in the hour and has a cancellation for that afternoon. He is less than thrilled, but goes to take a shower. He's slowly gaining strength and no longer looks like an old man hobbling around the house, but it still worries Kathy to see how thin he is. Between eating less and not being able to do his usual workouts and runs, he is losing muscle mass. If he _does_ decide to go back to SVU, he's really going to have to work to get back in shape. She knows how much being in good physical condition means to him; he has always scoffed at the "doughnut-eater" cops who are too out of shape to be able to do their jobs properly.

He insists on driving himself to the appointment. It isn't far, and Templeton has cleared him for driving, but Kathy is still nervous. She offers to drop him off and take Eli to the store while they wait, but Elliot refuses. While he is gone, she putters around the house, glancing at the clock every few minutes while she cleans. Will she ever get over this fear of losing him? She thought she had adjusted years ago to the risks of his job, telling herself that there was no point in borrowing trouble and worrying about things that might never happen, but now that the worst _has _happened, it is not so easy. She has faced the prospect of a life without him in it and she doesn't ever want to have to go through that again. Which would be worse: living with a man who has given up the job he loves most in life, or living with the fear that he'll be injured again? Common sense tells her that the odds are against him experiencing another event of a serious nature, Elliot is a good cop and well-trained in risk management, but she also believes that lightning can indeed strike twice in the same spot.

* * *

Elliot drives to the address the therapist has given him over the phone. It is on the ground floor of a non-descript office building not far from the hospital. To his surprise, the man who greets him is in a wheelchair. He is about Elliot's age, and wears his hair in the closely cropped style common to the military. When he notices Elliot glancing at his chair, he explains: "Desert Storm, Marines."

Elliot nods and shows him his own tattoo. He already likes this man.

* * *

"He's a Marine and ended up a paraplegic after Desert Storm," Elliot explains to Kathy when he gets home. She hasn't heard him speak with such animation about anything in weeks. "He suffered from PTSD when he got back and ended up getting his PhD in psychology and specializes in treating stress disorders now."

"So he's someone you're comfortable talking with?" Kathy asks, wanting to keep him talking. She wants to call Templeton right now and thank him profusely for suggesting this particular therapist, maybe send him flowers and chocolate as well. There is nothing like the Marine sense of brotherhood to bond men together.

"Yeah, I think he'll be good." He doesn't elaborate and she doesn't push. As long as he is talking out his problems with someone, she's content for now.

"When do you go back?" She asks, placing a sandwich in front of him. She has learned not to ask what he wants to eat and it seems to help.

"Friday. He wants to see me twice a week to begin with."

Kathy nods. The cardiology appointment is in two weeks, and Templeton has said that if he clears Elliot, he can return to work on limited duty. That doesn't give him much time to make such a major decision.

That night in bed, Kathy notices Elliot scratching at his chest. As usual, he is sleeping in just boxer briefs and no shirt. The incision on his chest has faded from the bright red it was right after surgery, but it still hurts to look at her husband's beautiful body marred by such ugliness. There is a long scar from above his navel to above his nipples, radiating from the irregular circle at his sternum where the bullet entered his chest.

"This scar itches like crazy," he complains when he sees her looking. She goes to the bathroom and comes back with a tube of medicated lotion and starts smoothing it onto his chest. He sighs with relief and closes his eyes. After a few minutes, she gets more lotion and expands the area she is massaging. When she slips her hand down his abdomen to the waist band of his briefs, his eyes flutter open. After a few more strokes, the front of his briefs show a promising bulge.

"I don't know if I can…" he begins, but she puts a hand up to shush him. She continues her ministrations, never touching his erection directly, but applying lotion in slow languorous strokes up and down his chest and abdomen, going a bit lower each time. He sighs and closes his eyes again, settling into the pillow beneath his neck.

When the lotion is all absorbed, she works the briefs down off his hips. He looks at her with hooded eyes as she takes him into her mouth. It feels so good to be touching him and the one-sided nature of this is oddly arousing. It makes her feel in control, something she hasn't felt much of over the last few weeks.

"Kath," he groans in warning after a few minutes, but she ignores him and continues the slow pace of up and down, using her lips to apply more pressure and her tongue to swirl around his sensitive tip. He climaxes with a moan she can feel reverberating through his chest.

After, they lie together, her head on his chest for the first time in weeks. And for the first time, Kathy begins to believe that things will return to normal for their family. It may be a different normal than they've been used to, but the basic elements will still be there, and really, what else matters?


	20. Chapter 20

Doubts

As Olivia walks by Augusts' bedroom, she hears Dec talking to their daughter as he dresses her for the day. She loves that he didn't use baby talk, but converses with her as if she is an adult and understands every word he says. In return, she usually stares up at him with her big brown eyes, taking in every word as if storing them up for future use. Olivia has no doubt that when she does start talking, she will have plenty to say.

She freezes as she hears Dec say: "Should we pick out something pretty since you're going to see your big brother Eli today?" Her heart pounding, she stands in the hall, waiting to hear the rest of the one-sided conversation. He has been dropping a lot of odd comments about Eli and the other Stabler kids lately, starting with the one about how August and Eli looked alike the week before. Does he know she is out in the hall—did he hear her walking by? Is he taunting her with these comments, or they just the innocent remarks they seem to be?

Now he is identifying each piece of clothing as he puts it on her, something Olivia never would have thought to do. Parenting seems to come so easily to him, whereas she second guesses everything she does. Intellectually, she knows that it is because she was an only child and Dec has not only younger siblings, but a slew of nieces and nephews, but emotionally, she sometimes resents how intuitive he is with their daughter.

Heart pounding, she continues down the hall to their bedroom to get dressed herself. Having worked the weekend, she has the day off while Declan has to work. She and August are going out to Queens to visit the Stablers; Kathy will watch August and Eli while Olivia takes Elliot out to lunch. When she spoke to Kathy on the phone the day before, she was relieved that Elliot had starting seeing a therapist, but was still concerned about his behavior. She practically begged Olivia to come out and get him out of the house for awhile.

"He needs to see someone besides just us," she'd said. "He's spending way too much time inside his own head. Sometimes he doesn't even hear me when I talk to him."

As Olivia pulls on jeans and a sweater, she wonders for the millionth time if she should just come clean to Dec. Their life together is perfect in so many ways, but the stress of keeping this secret is eating away at her. For the first time in her life, she feels safe in fully committing to a relationship and yet there is this major road block between them.

She hopes to talk to Elliot about it at their lunch today and get his input. He has gotten to know Dec pretty well over the past year. Besides, they have an agreement, and she can't violate the terms of it without talking to him and Kathy first.

When she finishes dressing, she comes out to the kitchen to find Dec has handed August over to Mariclair and is getting his coat on to leave for work himself.

"There you are," he smiles when he sees her. "I was just going to come and say goodbye." He glances at the au pair, who has her back to them as she buckles the baby into her highchair for breakfast, and pulls her close for a long kiss. "Enjoy your day off," he says. "Tell Elliot I said hello."

"I will," Olivia promises, holding him close by the lapels of his suit jacket and kissing him again. Can she really risk losing all of this? Are some secrets better left alone? "I'll be back in time to start dinner."

"Lord help us," he groans and laughs as Olivia swats him on the arm. She watches as he heads out the door, happy and confident as he starts his day.

* * *

Later that morning, she drops Mariclair off at the New York Public Library on 5th and 42nd where she will do some research for a class she is taking before meeting friends for lunch. The au pair is pleased to have a day off in the middle of the week and Olivia is thankful once again for the how flexible the young woman is with her hours. A traditional day care would not work for two detectives with unpredictable schedules and while Olivia has nothing against a well-run child care program, she is happy to have August cared for at home by one consistent caregiver.

When she is on 495 on her way to Queens, she switches on her Bluetooth and calls the Stablers. She is surprised when Elliot answers with a gruff "Stabler Residence."

"Hey, partner," she says lightly. "Just the person I wanted to talk to."

"Hey, Liv," he answers in a slightly more pleasant tone. Elliot is not a phone person. "What's up?" She hears him pulling out a kitchen chair to sit down while he talks.

"Actually, I'm on my way out to see you," she tells him. "I'm taking you out to lunch."

"Wait, no…"he starts, clearly not happy with this development. "You don't have to drive all the way out here, Liv…"

"Too late," she informs him with a laugh. "I'll be there in about twenty minutes. Get your bony ass dressed."

Elliot hangs up the phone and stares at the receiver, shaking his head. When Kathy comes into the kitchen carrying a basket of laundry, he frowns at her.

"Did you know about this?" he asks.

"Know about what?" she asks innocently, and then laughs as she bends to give him a kiss. "Yes, I knew that Olivia was coming to take you to lunch. She knew if she asked you first, you'd just say no."

"Are you coming with us?" he asks in a hopeful tone.

"No, I'm not." She looks at him, a furrow of concern in her brow. "I'm going to stay here with Eli and August so you two can have a peaceful lunch. Why, don't you want to see your partner?"

He sighs, and stands up to head upstairs to get dressed in something other than gym shorts and t-shirt. "I don't know," he sighs. "I'm still trying to figure out what to do about work. I don't know what to say if she asks me."

"Olivia is your partner," Kathy gently points out. "You can talk to her. But if you're not ready, then don't. Just change the subject if it comes up." She grins at him as she gives him a gentle push in the direction of the stairs. "That's something you're very good at, by the way."

* * *

Olivia lets Elliot choose the spot for lunch since she is basically forcing him to go. To annoy her, he chooses an Irish pub not far from his house, the closest thing to a cop bar there is in his neighborhood, and insists on driving them himself. Olivia is a bit alarmed at this prospect, having seen how cautiously he still moves when getting up and down, but grudgingly agrees to both the pub and the driving, knowing how much he likes to be the one calling the shots.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us?" he asks Kathy as they are walking out the door.

"With these two?" she laughs, looking down at August in her arms. She enjoys having a baby in the house again, especially one that she can give back when the novelty wears off. "Go ahead, have fun. We'll be here when you get back."

The two partners make small talk until the food arrives, fish and chips for both of them. Elliot looks longingly at the extensive list of draft beers available, but he is still on antibiotics and he did drive. Olivia orders a glass of wine and he settles for coffee.

"So, you look better," Olivia comments after the waitress has delivered their drinks. The pub is a small place, run by a man from Belfast. It's not fancy but the food is good and Elliot likes to stop here occasionally on his way home from work. "How are you feeling?"

He shrugs. "Okay. The ribs don't hurt as much but I still feel like an old man."

"Yeah, you kind of look like one," Liv teases, but the unfortunate part is that his statement isn't entirely off. Elliot looks like he has aged a decade over the pas t month. The drastic weight loss has resulted in pronounced lines in his face and neck and she notices much more gray hair at his temples.

"At least I can drive again," he retorts, taking a sip of his coffee. "I felt like an invalid, making Kathy drive me around everywhere."

"Any idea when you'll be cleared for work?" She asks, eyeing him carefully. He doesn't look up from his coffee.

"Nah, I have to see a cardiologist next week." He doesn't elaborate and Liv doesn't press him. Since his release from the hospital, he has been extraordinarily uninterested in talking about anything to do with the department or their unit.

The waitress returns with their food and they busy themselves with eating. Olivia entertains him with amusing Munch and Fin stories while they eat. It doesn't escape her notice that he is mostly pushing his food around on his plate, atypical for the man who typically eats all of his lunch and the rest of hers as well.

"They're like an old married couple," he laughs, but it's as if he is talking about people he used to know a long time ago, not his contemporaries. Olivia wonders if she can come up with a plausible pretext for them to come out to Queens to visit him. Kathy is right; he needs to be shaken out of this little cocoon he has built around himself. There is more to his life than his family and home in the suburbs, there are people who care about him and count on him.

The waitress comes to bring more coffee. Olivia asks for a cup for herself and asks what the desserts are. She doesn't usually eat sweets in the middle of the day, but she wants to encourage Elliot to eat more. When he doesn't seem interested, she orders a slice of Bailey's Cheesecake for him and chocolate torte for herself. When he looks at her with a raised eyebrow, she defends herself:

"So I wanted to try both and I didn't want to look like a pig, okay? You can suck it up and eat some of it for me."

He shakes his head, but does manage to show an interest in the dessert when it arrives, eating at least half before he pushes the plate toward Olivia to finish. She slides the rest of her torte over to him in exchange, giving him an innocent smile when he shakes his head but picks his fork back up.

"El, there's something I want to talk to you about," she finally begins. He looks at her warily, anticipating that she wants to talk about about the shooting or work.

"It's about Declan….and August," she says slowly, still not sure how to approach this.

"Is everything okay?" he asks, sounding a bit alarmed.

"Yes, well, I think so…Dec has made a few odd comments lately."

"Such as?"

She explains about remarks he has made and as she talks, Elliot's frown deepens.

"Do you think he suspects something?" He asks when she has finished.

"I don't know…maybe they're just random comments and I'm being paranoid. But El…I think I'd like to tell him the truth."

Elliot looks at her in surprise, and then to her surprise, his blue eyes start flashing in anger.

"Are you fucking crazy?"


	21. Chapter 21

**_Marks_**

Olivia stares at Elliot in surprise. She had not anticipated this kind of reaction.

Elliot is surprised to find himself seething with anger. He has been through hell and back on the subject of August, and now that he is finally coming to terms with it, now that he has finally accepted that he has to let go of thinking of her as his child, Olivia wants to drag up the whole subject again. A part of him realizes that he is overreacting and that he should hear her out, but another part of him wants to get up and storm out of the room and leave her sitting alone in this place with her stupid ideas.

"Are you crazy?" he asks again. "After we've all been through to keep this quiet, after I almost _died_…"

"Don't blame what happened on _this_, on _August_," Olivia hisses at him. "We both screwed up, Elliot. That's why you got shot."

Elliot knows that she is right, but he has this anger building up in him like a volcano. All of the feelings he's been sitting on for the past month are boiling to the surface and he's unable to hold them back.

"We both screwed up _because _of our feelings for August," he hisses back. A passing waitress looks at their table in alarm, and hurries past to the kitchen, probably to warn the other wait staff to stay far away. "And now that I'm finally putting it behind me, you want to drag it all up again?"

His face is red and his eyes are blazing with anger. Olivia sees how upset he is and softens her tone a little.

"Elliot, maybe what we all need is to get this out in the open," she says gently. "Maybe keeping it a secret was the wrong thing to do."

He leans back in his chair, looking at her in disgust. "Really? You think my kids will enjoy talking about this?" He sits forward again, and says in a low, angry voice: "Do you want to be the one to tell Dick and Elizabeth that we slept together and that they have a little sister? How about Maureen and Kathleen? You want to tell them about our weekend?" He is so angry that he is shaking.

"No, of course not, El. I would never do anything to hurt your children." Olivia stops and takes a deep breath. Her words have unleashed something in him, things that probably needed to be said, but this isn't the place. "Listen, let's pay the bill and get out of here, and go somewhere where we can talk, okay?"

He sits back again, his face sullen, and Olivia looks around to flag down their waitress. There is no one in sight, so she does a quick mental tally in her head and pulls out enough money to cover the bill and tip and places it on the table. Elliot, who would normally argue with her over the check, is so lost in his thoughts he doesn't seem to notice what she is doing.

"Come on," she says to me. "Let's go." He stands up so abruptly that he almost knocks over his chair, and storms out of the restaurant, leaving Olivia to bring up the rear. She sees their waitress at the bar, looking surprised to see them on their way out.

"I left money on the table," she tells her as she hurries past to catch up with Elliot. In his current state, she's not sure he won't leave her there.

She finds him sitting behind the driver's seat, his head back and eyes closed, taking deep breaths.

"I'm sorry," he says when she opens her door and slides in. "I shouldn't have talked to you like that."

"It's okay," she tells him, although she's not sure that it is. She's seen Elliot angry many times, but never like this. "Are you okay to drive? Why don't you let me?"

He casts a withering glance and starts the car. They drive in silence for a few minutes in the opposite direction of his house. He finally pulls into a park and pulls into a spot overlooking a duck pond. Turning off the engine, he turns to look at her. "Want to walk?"

She nods, and they both get out of the car, zipping up their jackets. It's a mild day but there's a cool breeze. Elliot starts off down the concrete path that leads around the pond. There is one couple sitting on a bench at the start of the trail, but once they pass them, they are alone.

"El, I'm not trying to stir things up," Olivia begins. "And I'm sorry if this is upsetting you, but…I'm feeling really uncomfortable with keeping this secret from Dec."

"Why now, Liv? Why all of a sudden?" Elliot asks, now sounding resigned rather than angry.

"I don't know, I guess because I feel like he's sensing something." She stops on the path and puts her hand on Elliot's arm so that he turns to face her. "Elliot, I love him so much….I've finally found someone I'm happy with, and I don't want to jeopardize that by keeping secrets."

Elliot searches her face and sighs. "How do you think he's going to feel when he finds out you lied to him, Liv?" They resume walking, Olivia linking her arm through his, both to keep warm and out of concern for him. They are walking slowly, but she worries that he's overdoing it. He gives her a suspicious glance, but squeezes his arm against hers as they proceed.

"I don't know," she says honestly. "That's what I'm trying to figure out. You've gotten to know him pretty well, El, what do you think?"

They keep walking while he thinks. "He loves you and August, I know that," he says. "I imagine he's going to be pretty angry, but I would hope he would understand and forgive you. You can blame it on me and Kathy if you want. "

Olivia gives a soft, bitter laugh. "You're not the one who married him without telling him the truth."

"He's a good man, Liv," Elliot tells her. "He's going to be pissed, who wouldn't be? But he'll come around."

"So you're okay with me telling him?" She asks. They've reached a bench on the far side of the pond, and without discussion, they both sit down. A flock of ducks paddles up to see if they're going to be fed, and wander off again when nothing is forthcoming.

Elliot sighs. "Do I have a choice?" He is thinking about how awkward it will be to see Declan again. They've become pretty good friends over the past year, and he hates to ruin that. "El, there's something I never told you…" Olivia begins hesitantly. Elliot looks at her, not sure if he wants to know. _No more problems please_. "When Dec and I were first dating, he was really jealous of you. In fact, that's one of the reasons why we broke things off in the first place. He accused me one too many times of sleeping with you."

Elliot groans, and lifts a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose to relieve the sudden pressure building up in his head. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I thought it would make things worse. And he's been fine since we got back together. I think getting to know you and Kathy and seeing how happy you are together has helped. And he knows how much I love him now."

"But if you tell him the truth, he's going to know that we did sleep together," Elliot says bluntly. That's not an image any man wants in his head and he mentally cringes at the thought of Declan looking at him with new eyes. He knows how he would feel if the situation were reversed and he had to face someone who had slept with his wife.

"Well, if I'm going to tell him the truth, it should be the whole truth," Olivia says sadly. "There's no point in holding back."

They sit in silence for a few minutes, and then get up to start walking back to the car. "I think we need to tell Kathy about this before you do anything," Elliot says, "And I hope that you'll stress to Dec the importance of not telling anyone else. I really don't want to spring this on my kids."

"Of course not," Olivia assures them. "Even if he was angry with me, Dec would never do anything to hurt your family, El."

"I hope you're right."

* * *

Back at the house, Kathy has August lying on their bed to change her diaper. Eli is at her side, prepared to help and fascinated at the prospect. She pulls off her tiny leggings while Eli tickles her chin to keep her distracted. August is that squirmy age where she wants to make a game out of being changed, trying to roll over and climb away.

"Look, Mommy," says Eli when she has the diaper off. "She's got a map just like mine."

Kathy stares, speechless. Sure enough, on Augusts' hip is a birthmark in the shape of New Jersey. Eli has an identical one in almost the same spot that they've always teased him about, telling him that he was born in the wrong state. Kathy wonders how she has never noticed this before, and realizes that she hasn't changed Augusts' diaper since she was a newborn. Eli's birthmark hadn't become dark enough to notice until he was almost six months old.

"Isn't that something?" she finally says, realizing that Eli is waiting for her to respond. "You're twins." She quickly replaces the diaper and redresses her, scooping the little girl up for a hug. It's so easy to forget that this is Elliot's daughter, to put it out of her mind and treat her like nothing more than her best friend's child, but seeing the birthmark shakes her to her core. That little mark is a concrete link to her own son and a vivid reminder that not everything can be swept under a rug and forgotten.

* * *

When Elliot and Olivia get back from lunch, they seem subdued. Kathy is playing on the living room floor with the two little ones, supervising to make sure that Eli doesn't get too rough as he runs his toy cars up and down Augusts' legs, making her laugh as she tries to grab them out of his hands. Kathy sees the somber look on their faces and frowns, wondering what transpired over lunch. Has Elliot arrived at a decision about the job and told Olivia before her?

"Do you have time for a cup of coffee before you head back?" Kathy asks. Olivia nods, and Elliot gingerly lowers himself to the floor with the kids.

"You two go ahead," he says, searching for a comfortable position. "I'll watch these two."

"I need to talk to you anyway," says Olivia as Kathy pulls mugs from the cupboard and pours them each a cup of coffee. They sit at the table and Kathy waits for Olivia to begin.

"I told Elliot today….I think I need to tell Declan the truth about August."

Kathy sets her coffee cup down abruptly, afraid she will spill it otherwise, and listens as Olivia explains.

"How did Elliot react?" she asks when Olivia has finished.

"He…he was really upset at first," Olivia admits. "I haven't ever seen him like that before. But he calmed down and we talked. He wants to discuss it with you first, but he said he understood, and that as long as no one else knows so that your kids don't find out, he's okay with it."

Kathy nods absently. Elliot has had a lot of sudden mood swings lately, from quick anger and irritation and back to calm again, all within a short period of time. She can especially understand why this would upset him, knowing hard he's worked to deal with the issue of August.

"What do you think Declan will say?"

"That's the million dollar question, isn't it?" Sighs Olivia. "I don't even know how to begin to tell him."

* * *

When Olivia leaves, Elliot and Eli snuggle up on the couch for his afternoon hour of cartoons. After the events of the day, Elliot is ready for a nap, but he's trying hard, upon the advice of his therapist, to stick to a regular sleep schedule.

Kathy should be starting dinner, but she sits down with them anyway. She and Elliot haven't had a chance to talk yet, but he gives her a weary smile over Eli's head. Eli climbs into Elliot lap and curls into a ball, his head against his father's chest as he watches television.

"Guess what, Daddy?" he says absently.

"What, little man?" Elliot asks, stroking his dark curls.

"August and me have the same map."

Elliot's hand freezes and he turns to look at Kathy for clarification. She nods.

"When we were changing Augusts' diaper, Eli noticed that she has the same birthmark that he does. In the same spot too."

They exchange a glance and Elliot sighs, reaching his hand out to grasp hers. _How in the hell did life get so complicated? _


	22. Chapter 22

Variables

That night Elliot and Kathy talk in bed for a long time after the kids are asleep. August is not a subject they dare discuss when there is even a remote chance of being overheard.

"Why now?" Kathy asks in frustration.

"She thinks Declan may suspect something," Elliot replies. He is on his side, facing her. "And it's making her feel guilty; like she should tell him before he figures out the truth. I think she's probably right."

"If he ever sees Eli's birthmark, he'll figure it out soon enough," sighs Kathy. "I can't tell you how much that rattled me today."

"Rattled _you_? How?" Elliot asks softly, reaching out to take her hand in his. He strokes his thumb over the delicate bones, outlining each one. Since his close call all he craves physical contact the people he loves, needing concrete reminders that he _is _still there with them. He is exhausted from the busy day, but his mind is racing with all of the possible outcomes of Olivia divulging their secret.

Kathy hesitates for a moment or two before answering. "I guess it's been easier for me than you to not think about your connection to August," she says slowly, "but when I saw that birthmark, exactly like Eli's, it hit me hard…. For a minute I had this crazy urge to keep her and never give her back to Liv, like she belongs with _our_ family, not hers."

Elliot nods. "I've had that same feeling."

"I'm sorry," Kathy says, bringing his hand to her lips and placing a gentle kiss in the palm.

"What on earth do _you_ have to be sorry for?" He turns his hand over and traces her lips with his finger.

"For…underestimating how hard this was going to be for you. For thinking we could do something like this without any consequences, just go on with our lives as if nothing happened. "

"We had good intentions," Elliot said. His blue eyes meet hers and hold them. "We wanted Olivia to be happy; I don't think any of us thought it through enough. I certainly never expected that she and Dec would get back together."

"No," Kathy sighs. "We really didn't think it through"

Elliot propped himself up on his elbow, with only a slight wince for his ribs. He looked down at her with concern. "Are you okay with her telling Declan?" he asks. "I told her we needed to talk before she goes ahead with it."

"I don't know." Kathy looks at him helplessly. "What choice do we have?"

"Tell me what you're worried about," Elliot urges.

"I'm worried about how Dec will take it. What if he blows up and leaves her? They're so happy now. What if he blows up…and feels he has the right to tell other people? It could be devastating for you two at work. And our kids…." Her voice trails off, not wanting to go down that road.

"I know," Elliot sighs. "I can't see Declan behaving like that though. I'm sure he'll be pissed…I know I would be."

"Anyone would be," Kathy agrees.

"We just have to trust that Olivia will handle it the best she can, and hope for the best." Elliot yawns. Sleep is finally catching up to him.

"I don't blame her for wanting to tell him," Kathy says, moving over to snuggle closer to her husband. He puts his hand on the back of her head and strokes the length of her silky hair. "It's no way to start a marriage; based on a lie."

_He is in the warehouse, his gun out, walking carefully around the inside perimeter as he searches for Olivia. He moves in the direction of where he just heard a noise from a room a few feet away. As he approaches the doorway, he can see Olivia inside, next to a man who holding her close with one of her arms twisted up behind her back with one hand and a pistol in the other. His stomach clenches at the sight of this stranger with his hands all over Olivia, his partner, his friend, the mother of his child. He steps into the doorway, his gun aimed at the perps head. Bertolli, the man they've been looking for all day, whips the hand with the gun up so that the barrel is pressed up against Olivia's temple. He sees the fear in her eyes and again, his stomach clenches. Not Olivia. "Let her go, Bertolli," he says. "Don't make this any worse than it has to be." Then, Liv's eyes widen, there is a sound behind him, a gun fires, and Bertolli drops to the ground, dead, his brains splattered all over the wall behind them. Elliot whips around to see Declan standing there, his gun now pointed at Elliot's midsection. "You fucked my wife," he growls, and pulls the trigger. Elliot feels a flash of white heat and then he is lying on the cold concrete floor. "No, it wasn't like that," he tries to say before the darkness overcomes him._

Elliot wakes with a gasp, his heart racing. It takes him a few seconds to realize he is in his own bed and not on the warehouse floor of his dream. He glances over to where Kathy is curled up on her side, her face buried into her pillow. All he can see is her long blond hair spread out over her shoulders. After five children, she is usually a light sleeper, responding to any night noises. The dream was so vivid, so real, he can't believe he wasn't talking in his sleep.

He reaches a hand to feel along his scar. It's still sensitive but nowhere near as painful as it was in the beginning. Long after the pain of his ribs heals, the scar will remind him of that day in the warehouse. It doesn't take a genius to interpret this dream. He sighs, and rolls over to his side, away from Kathy. Maybe it's time to bring up this sensitive topic with Mark Edelman, the therapist with whom he has another appointment in the morning. So far, they have barely touched on the subject of the shooting itself. Mark—who insists that Elliot, as a fellow Marine, call him by his first name—has been teaching him techniques for relaxation for when he has a flashback or a nightmare. He practices now, short, shallow breaths, followed by a few deeper cleansing ones. It reminds him of taking Lamaze classes back when Kathy was pregnant with Maureen, but this simple technique works. Just the act of counting breaths and following a pattern helps dispel the anxiety that sometimes overtakes him, making him irritable and distant.

Mark has also insisted on a routine of what he calls "good mental hygiene"—regular exercise, as much as Elliot can tolerate as he recuperates, no daytime naps, regular meals of healthy food-and talking about what is bothering him. That last part is going to be the most difficult. His lifelong habit has been to work through his feelings with exercise and right now he can't run or lift weights to burn off his frustration. He'd rather lift the heaviest of weights than verbalize his thoughts at times, especially to the people he cares most about, the people he wants to protect from the dark places his mind goes at times.

Tomorrow he will begin by telling Mark about the whole complicated mess of the situation with Olivia and August. An outside perspective will be welcome. He has thought of making an appointment with Father Mike again, but it's not the most comfortable topic to be discussing with a priest who has never been married. After just two meetings, he already has a comfortable rapport with Edelman.

As he continues the regular pattern of breathing, he focuses on pleasant thoughts. Practicing soccer in the backyard with Kathleen when she was younger, playing basketball with Dickie, teaching Elizabeth how to ride a bike, the trip to the Catskills he and Kathy had taken last year. Before long, he finds himself drifting back to sleep, enveloped in images of his family instead of those of violence that had visited him earlier.

After Elliot leaves for his therapy appointment, Kathy picks up the phone to call Olivia.

"I know you're busy at work," she tells her, "but I wanted to let you know that Elliot and I talked last night and we both understand if you feel you need to tell Declan the truth."

Olivia sounds relieved. "I don't want to do it," she admits, "but it's time Kathy. He has to know."

"If you need to talk or if there's anything at all I can do, like watch August so you can have some time alone to tell him, just let me know."

"I appreciate that," Olivia says softly. "I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it." In the background Kathy can hear voices and the usual bustle of the precinct, and for the briefest of instants, she misses calling Elliot there. As much as she sometimes resented the hours he put into the job, she'd also been proud of the vital job he did. "I've got to go now, Kathy, but I'll call you later, okay?"

Edelman's office is a comfortable space in an otherwise non-descript building. Elliot likes the way he swings himself out of his wheelchair and onto a couch before beginning sessions, as if they are just two guys sitting down to shoot the breeze. Edelman's upper body strength is impressive and seeing the chiseled muscles under his shirt as he makes the transfer makes Elliot long for the day when he can work out again.

"So, how have things been since I saw you last?" Mark asks, positioning his legs straight in front of him. The neatly pressed khakis he wears do not totally disguise the how thin and wasted they are and Elliot has a mental jolt when he realizes how easily that could have been him if the bullet had nicked his spine instead of his heart. He takes a seat in the upholstered arm chair adjacent to him.

"I had a nightmare again last night," Elliot admits, "but I practiced the breathing and I was able to fall back to sleep without getting up."

"That's great," says Mark. "Was it about the shooting?"

Elliot nods, and then hesitates before speaking. "Yes, but with a new twist—something more personal that's been on my mind lately, something Kathy & I were talking about right before I fell asleep."

Mark waits for him to continue.

"It's really complicated….but it all figures into my decision about whether or not to go back to work at the department." Elliot says.

Edelman listens as Elliot tries to summarize the whole situation, interjecting an occasional question, but most sitting silently while he explains the decision he and Kathy made to help Olivia.

"And no one on the department knows that this child is yours?" he asks when Elliot has finished.

"No, not even her husband, but now she wants to tell him the truth."

"How do you feel about that?"

Elliot shrugs. "I understand why, I don't think it's a good idea for married couples to have secrets. At the time when we all agreed to do this, Olivia was alone and a marriage seemed so far off in the future, we didn't think it through. But I also feel… I don't know…angry."

"Why angry?" Mark asks gently.

Elliot has to think about this for a minute. "For a lot of reasons, I guess. I feel I put a lot on the line for Olivia—my marriage, my family, my job. We had an agreement, and now she's breaking that. I know it's not rational…" He trailed off, not sure what he wanted to say.

"Fear often makes us feel angry," says Mark. "What are you afraid of?"

Elliot gives a short, hard laugh. "What aren't I afraid of would be a better question…I'm afraid Olivia will end up alone again, and that August won't have a father after all. I'm afraid the Declan will be so angry at me that he does something stupid like spread the news around the precinct, or tell someone who will leak it to my kids. At the very least, I'm afraid of how it's going to affect my friendship with him—how is he doing to feel about the fact that I've slept with his wife? That's why I dreamt that he shot me, isn't it?"

Mark leans back against the cushions of the couch, the fingers of his left hand drumming on the arm. "I find it interesting that you physically had relations with Olivia rather than donate sperm by more traditional means."

"I told you, the Catholic Church doesn't accept artificial insemination." Elliot replies, frowning.

"It doesn't condone adultery either," Mark observes.

"It seemed the lesser of two evils," Elliot says, puzzled by him choosing this one point out of all of the things he had just told him.

Mark nods slowly as he thinks. "Have you and Olivia…ever had a more personal relationship?"

"Define personal." Elliot asks, frustrated his line of questions.

"Okay, how about this…define your relationship with Olivia."

"It's complicated…we've been partners for eleven years. Sometimes I spend more time with her than with my wife. She knows things about me that other people will never understand. She's more than a friend, but we're not…., you know…" he struggles for words.

"Lovers?"

"Exactly. In the last few years, she's become part of my extended family, so have August and Declan. But there's nothing physical between us, except for that one weekend."

"Have you ever wanted there to be more?"

Elliot looks at him helplessly. "It's not something I think about. I'm married; I love my wife, I would never be unfaithful to her."

"Yet you chose to sleep with Olivia rather than donate sperm through an agency."

"It was Kathy's idea!" Elliot's frustration is getting close to anger now. He clearly doesn't like being pressed on this issue. "I don't think you understand what my faith means to me, I've spent my whole life trying to be a good man, to follow the teachings of the Church. I don't think you can just pick and choose the elements of faith that are easy to follow, it's all or nothing. The church thinks artificial insemination is unnatural, a sin against nature. I didn't want my child to be conceived that way."

"I thought this was supposed to be Olivia's child."

"She is!" Elliot sputters. "I've stayed away: I've stayed out of everything involved with her…"

"But you still think of her as your child."

Elliot glares at him, frustrated, angry, resenting being brought back to these feelings. "Yes," he admits. "I look at her and I see bits of my other children, bits of myself. I can't pretend it's not there. She _is_ a part of me."

"Do you wish you could claim her as your own? Publicly?"

"I did, for awhile," Elliot admits. "But now…no, I don't. I don't want to disrupt my family. I don't want to have to explain to my children how this all happened. I just want to know that's she's being taken care of, that she's in a good family and she'll have everything she needs, that's she's loved and happy."

"How does Olivia telling her husband the truth affect what you want for this child?"

Elliot raises his hands in a helpless gesture. "It could go either way. Declan could understand and they'd be on more solid ground and be happy forever, or he could be furious and leave her."

"So it's the uncertainty that's making you angry?"

Elliot stares at him in surprise. "Yes," he says, feeling relief at having his fears reduced to something he can understand. "That's exactly it."

"Okay then," says Mark, clasping his hands together and leaning forward. "You've identified one element of the situation that's bothering, the uncertainty. So now you can prepare." At Elliot's puzzled look, he continued on: "By prepare, I don't mean obsess. But spend a little bit of time thinking about the different ways this scenario could play out and how you would react to each. This will help you feel a little less anxious, a little less uncertain and hopefully, less angry."

Elliot nods slowly. "I can do that." He says, and then repeats with more assurance. "I can do that."


	23. Chapter 23

Exigent

The next morning, Kathy awakes to find Elliot propped up on one elbow, watching her.

"What's wrong?" she starts to ask, and then notes a familiar gleam in his eye, one she hasn't seen since before the shooting. She glances down and sees that the front of his boxers is conspicuously tented out. "Well, good morning to you too," she laughs.

He moves closer to her on the bed and slides a warm hand up under her t-shirt to cup one breast, at the same time, pressing his lips to hers for a lingering kiss.

"Good morning," he murmurs back, and takes her hand to place it over his erection. "I've been thinking about you."

"I guess so," she laughs again, then her face furrows in concern. "What about your ribs? Are you up for this?"

"Oh, I'm up for it," he chuckles. "Isn't it obvious?"

She slides her hand along his hardness, and smiles at his intake of breath. "Yes, I can tell, smart ass, but what about your ribs?"

"As you don't mind being on top, I think I'll be okay, " he purrs, sliding his tongue between her lips to dance with hers.

"El," she groans. "I haven't even brushed my teeth."

"Don't care," he whispers. He is lifting her shirt up and off so he can bend his face down to nuzzle at her breasts. She feels a familiar stirring, a tug at her center, and relaxes to enjoy his ministrations. At the same time, he slides his hand into her flannel pajama bottoms, finding her already wet and waiting. It's been so long and he knows exactly how to touch her. _Please, Eli, don't wake up early this morning!_

He props himself up on one elbow and continues to stroke, slowly circling her most sensitive spot as he uses his tongue to lightly flick her nipples. He alternates the lazy circles with moments of pressure when he presses his whole hand against her moist center and it is an embarrassingly short time before she is shuddering with an orgasm so intense that she has to pull away a little because she is too sensitive to be touched anymore.

"Wow," she sighs when she catches her breath. He is still on his elbow, one hand on her hip, smiling down at her in that same way that has given her goose-bumps since she first met him over twenty years ago. "Well, that was nice, "she teases, sliding out of bed to stand up. "Guess I'll go see if Eli is awake now."

She laughs at the look of astonishment and disappointment on his face and goes quick to the bathroom to insert her diaphragm—and quickly brush her teeth. She doesn't want to use a condom today, after all these weeks of no love-making; she wants to _feel _her husband inside of her. Not for the first time, she wishes for a more permanent method of birth control. She and Elliot both agree that their family is large enough, but barrier methods of birth control are as far as he will go in preventing another pregnancy.

As she walks back to the bedroom, she slips out of her pajama bottoms and leaves them on the floor next to the bed. Elliot is lying on his back, waiting for her. Seeing how his eyes devour her naked body excites her all over again. She stands over the bed and smiling down at him, tugs his boxer briefs down off his hips. She stretches out next to him on the bed and runs her hand slowly down his abdomen and upper thighs without ever touching his erection, which springs back to life as she caresses. She slides her hand between his legs and gently strokes the sensitive area behind his balls, until he groans and reaches for her. She positions herself over him, one leg on either side of him. He puts his hands on her hips, and their eyes locked, guides her down over the long, hard length of him. She remains still for a minute, savoring the sensation of being filled to the brim, of being connected to the man she loves in the most intimate way possible.

She leans forward until her breasts are lightly touching his chest. "Too much pressure?" she asks, nodding at his ribs. He shakes his head wordlessly and uses his hands on her hips to pull her even closer against him. His need arouses her and she begins to slowly slide up and down, his hips rising to meet her on each downward slide.

"It feels so good to be inside you again," he groans as she bends her head closer to kiss his neck and that sensitive spot behind his ear that drives him crazy, as she maintains a steady rhythm of up and down, back and forth. When she hears his breath quicken and his stomach muscles tense, she raises her torso up and holds still so that he can call the shots as he pleases. He holds her hips tight and gives one final upward thrust of his own. The sound that escapes him is a mix between pleasure and pain and hearing it brings her to a second peak.

Holding him still tight inside of her, she leans forward against his chest, using her elbows to support her weight so that she's not putting too much pressure against his ribs. They are both sweaty and sticky and it feels absolutely wonderful.

He raises one hand to brush the hair of her face and kisses her. "You brushed your teeth?" he laughs when he tastes toothpaste. He runs his hands up and down her back, feeling more relaxed than he has since he's been home from the hospital. For all of the problems he and Kathy have had over the years, despite all of the demands in their lives that keep them from spending time together, they have always connected sexually in a way that has compensated for all of it.

"I had to," she admits sheepishly. They both know how compulsive she can be. They lay together, enjoying the moment of connection, until they hear Eli coming out of his room and heading down the hall to them. Kathy moves to get up, but Elliot touches her shoulder to indicate she should stay in bed.

"I'll get up with him," he says, moving to quickly pull his boxers back on. Kathy snuggles contentedly back under the covers and watches as Elliot meets Eli at the door. He is surprised to see his father up first; Kathy has been the one getting up with him in the mornings since Elliot was injured.

"Let me grab some clothes and we'll go downstairs, buddy boy," Elliot tells him. "Mommy's going to sleep in today, okay?"

Eli peers around the door to see Kathy waving at him from beneath the covers.

"Mommy," he says in a scolding voice. "You gots to pick up after yourself, you left your jammas on the floor."

Elliot stifles a chuckle as he pulls on a pair of sweats and shepherds his too-observant son out the door. "Yeah, mom's a real slob, isn't she?"

* * *

After another sleepless night, Olivia decides that she has to talk to Declan before she loses her mind. He is already gone to work when she gets up, bleary eyed and groggy. He had an early meeting which means, barring any unforeseen complications, he'll be home early tonight.

She calls Cragen and asks if she can take a personal day. They are crazy busy with Elliot still out, but there are no cases that are so pressing that they can't wait for another twenty-four hours. Cragen reluctantly grants her request, knowing that she's been putting in a lot of hours. She sends Dec a text letting him know that she's staying home because she doesn't feel well so he doesn't stop by the squad room looking for her. He immediately texts back asking if she needs him to come home after his meeting. Smiling at his thoughtfulness, she lets him know that she just needs some extra sleep.

Her next step is to talk to Mariclair.

"I have a favor to ask," she says when the Au pair comes out to help August with her breakfast. Olivia has already dressed her and given her a bowl of dry cereal to toss around and is now cutting up fruit for her.

"Yes, of course," the young woman says in her lilting accent. "What can I do to help?"

When Olivia was first exploring the idea of an Au pair, she was apprehensive about sharing her home with a total stranger, wondering if it would feel awkward or uncomfortable. She interviewed three possibilities before meeting Mariclair and feeling an instant connection. Over the eight months she has been with them, they have grown close and she feels like the younger woman has become as much a friend as an employee.

"I am taking today off," she explains, "so I will be with August during the day today, but I would like some time alone with Declan tonight. Would you be willing to take August out for a few hours this evening? You could take the car and go to a mall."

"Ah, a nice romantic evening?" Mariclair teases. "Of course, I would be happy to do that."

_I'm not sure how romantic it will be, _Olivia thinks to herself, but she thanks the girl for her flexibility and watches as she goes back to bed to enjoy her unexpected time off.

* * *

"Where's August?" Declan asks when he gets home a little after five.

"Mariclair took her to the mall," she says casually. She has just opened a bottle of wine for herself and holds it up to show him. "Would you like a glass? Or would you rather have a beer?"

"I'll take a beer," he says, looking at her curiously as he hangs his coat in the closet by the front door. "You must be feeling better if you're drinking wine?"

"What? Oh...yes," Olivia has forgotten her pretext for taking the day off. "I really think I was just overtired, after I took a nap I felt better. " This much is true, she did lie down with August for her afternoon nap and woke up feeling much more rested and able to face the prospect of talking to her husband. Being overtired always gives her a negative outlook and she hopes that, one way or the other, getting this secret off her chest will help her get back to sleeping better.

"So when is Mariclair due back from the mall?" Declan asks, reaching for the Corona she pulled out of the refrigerator for him. He finds the bottle opener to remove the top and takes a long swallow. "Do you want me to start supper?"

"Actually, they just left." Olivia swallows hard and plunges in. "I asked Mariclair to take her out for a few hours...so we could talk."

Dec pauses mid-swallow and looks at her warily. "Talk? About what?"

"There's something I need to tell you, Dec. It's about August...and who her father is..."

Declan sets his bottle of beer down on the counter and looks at her. She can't read his expression and she feels her stomach tighten with tension. _This is a bad, bad idea, Olivia, what were you thinking?_

After a minute, he picks up the beer again for another long swallow. "You mean Elliot?"


	24. Chapter 24

Disclosure

Olivia stares at her husband, realizes her mouth is gaping open in shock and quickly closes it.

"You… knew?"" she stammers.

He shrugs and takes another sip of beer. "Now I do." His tone is flat. "I wondered, but the look on your face tells me I was right."

Olivia lowers herself into one of the chairs at the small table in their dining room. Her head is reeling. "How long….why didn't you say anything?"

Dec sighs and takes the seat adjacent to hers. "At first, I wasn't sure….I thought maybe it was just my imagination. But I noticed a resemblance between August and Eli. And I noticed how Elliot always seemed to avoid holding her, but then I'd find him staring at her from across the room. I wanted to wait to see how long before you'd tell me yourself. I've been dropping hints for the past few weeks, hoping you'd come clean."

"I'm a little dense sometimes," said Olivia weakly. "I don't know what to say, Dec….I've been struggling with this for a long time, and I finally decided that you had to know the truth, no matter what."

"Why didn't you tell me in the first place?" he asks softly, and now she can hear the pain in his voice.

"It was so complicated, Dec, it wasn't just my story to tell…there were Kathy and Elliot to consider, and when we decided to do this, we agreed not to tell anyone…you and I weren't even together then…" She knows she is rambling but she couldn't seem to stop herself long enough to pick a starting point and just tell him the story. All of the ways she had rehearsed telling him have flown right out her brain.

"So Kathy knows?" He asks, and again, his tone is flat, as if he is afraid to let emotion enter into this conversation.

"Yes, it was her idea."

At this he frowns, as if this fact doesn't' fit his version of events. "So what, you found a doctor who used his sperm to impregnate you? And Kathy was okay with this?"

Olivia pales, and takes a deep breath. This is where the shit hits the fan. She reaches out and puts her hand over his. He doesn't pull away, but neither does he respond to her touch. "Let me start at the beginning, and tell you the whole story." He nods and she takes a big swallow of wine before beginning.

"After we broke up, I was really…distraught for awhile. It hit me, hard, that I was probably never going to be a mother. I had used you, badly and I felt like I would never be in a long term relationship and that my biological clock was running out. "Declan winces here, and Olivia knows she is handling this badly. She takes another deep breath and tries to compose her thoughts. "I was in a bad way…Kathy and Elliot really helped me out, Kathy listened…and she had an idea."

She tells him the whole story, of her reluctance to have an anonymous sperm donor, her visit to the support group, Kathy's idea to have Elliot donate his sperm and then Elliot's conversation with Father Mike. When Declan realizes where she is going, his eyes widen and his face darkens.

"So, he didn't just…donate…his sperm." He says, and his voice is flatter than ever.

"No, the Church doesn't condone conception by artificial means," Olivia explained, careful to keep her voice even, "and you know what a stickler Elliot is about his religion. The only way was to do it…naturally."

Now Declan is up and pacing around the room. His face looks like storm cloud.

"Come on, Olivia. The Church doesn't allow artificial insemination, but adultery is okay? It was just an excuse to sleep with you."

"No, it wasn't like that," her voice is amazingly calm, because she knows if she gets upset too, all hell will break loose. "I told you, this was all Kathy's idea. Elliot wanted nothing to do with it."

"But you managed to persuade him," Declan scoffs.

"Kathy did."

He leans against the counter separating the kitchen from the dining area, as if he is afraid to stand too close to her. She knows he has a volatile temper at times, but his anger is usually as swift to leave as it is to arrive. He crosses his arms and glares at her.

"Are you really expecting me to believe that Kathy Stabler _wanted _her husband to sleep with you?"

"She wanted me to be happy, and to have the baby I've always wanted," Olivia said in a low voice. "And it worked, didn't it? Look at August, she's beautiful, she's perfect."

"So how did you do it?" He asks, and now there is anger in his voice.

"Does it matter?" Olivia asks, turning her hands up in a helpless gesture. "Is that really what's important at this point?"

"It matters to me," he hisses through clenched teeth.

"We spent one weekend together," Olivia says, and there is resentment and anger in her voice now too. Saying it out loud cheapens the experience; makes it sound like a tawdry affair. "Kathy took the kids to her sister's upstate for a weekend, and Elliot spent the weekend with me in my apartment. That was all he would agree to, if I wasn't pregnant after that, he was done."

"How noble of him" Dec scoffs. He drains his beer, and goes to the refrigerator for another. He doesn't look at her while he repeats the process of finding the bottle opener to remove the cap.

"Declan, you have to remember, you and I weren't together then…I honestly thought we were through."

"So why are you even telling me now, Liv?"

She gets up then and goes to stand in front of him. His eyes meet hers, but his look is defiant, angry. He is hurt.

"I never wanted to lie to you, it was just….so complicated. And then it was too late to say anything, we were getting married and August was born….I tried to just not think about it at all."

"So what changed?"

"Elliot getting shot…"she begins.

"What the hell does that have to do with any of this?" His voice is getting louder, and Olivia can tell he is close to melting down.

"He says he did what he did because he didn't want August to lose her mother….it just stirred everything all up again, and then you started making odd comments…"

He gives a snort of bitter laughter. "So they weren't going totally over your head?"

"Dec, it was killing me, not being able to be honest with you," she said, moving closer. She puts one hand on his arms where they are folded across his chest. Again, he doesn't respond, but he doesn't pull away. "I love you so much, and you're such a good father to August. I didn't want there to be any secrets between us. So I told Kathy and Elliot that I was going to tell you the truth."

He gives another snort. "What did they say? "

"They understand why I want to tell you and they agree that you should know…but they're worried…about their kids finding out…and people at the precinct…IAB would have a field day if they knew..."

He looks at her, offended. "They think I would rat you out?"

"No, but they've got a lot to lose too… it's understandable that they'd be worried."

"And just what do you have to lose in all of this Liv?" His tone is soft but there is a sarcastic tinge to it.

Her eyes well up and she takes another step closer, puts one hand against his cheek.

"You," she whispers. "I don't want to lose…you. But you deserve to know the truth…and if you can't forgive me, I understand, but I couldn't keep on lying to you."

He sighs, uncrosses his arms and uses one hand to gently remove her hand from his face. He holds it loosely in his own.

"Olivia, I can understand why you did what you did, but it hurts that you didn't tell me the truth from the beginning. I thought there were no secrets between us. And then, when I did begin to suspect that Elliot was the sperm donor…it never occurred to me that you actually…"

She puts a finger up to his lips. "Dec, there has never been anything romantic between me and Elliot. You've seen how much he loves Kathy and his family. This was just…a one- time thing…an arrangement. Please don't make it out to be anything more."

He looks down at her. He is a good six inches taller than her, one of the few men who can make her feel petite. His face shows a mix of sadness, regret, and yes, still some anger.

"Don't worry," he smiles wryly. "I'm not going to go back to my jealous days of accusing you of sleeping with your partner. I know you both well enough now to know that would never happen." Then his face hardens. "Except that it did."

Olivia tips her head to the side and looks at him helplessly, her eyes pleading. "I don't blame you for being upset, but please, don't focus on this one aspect…the bottom line is we have a beautiful daughter, _you_ are her father, and we've got a good life together, don't we? "

He runs one hand down his face as if to erase away his thoughts, his feelings. "Liv, I need some time to think…to be by myself and take this all in….I think I'm going to go sleep at the station, in the crib tonight." He pushes away from the counter, past her and toward the door.

"Dec!" she calls after him, tears streaming down her face. He grabs his jacket from the closet and turns to look at her, one hand on the doorknob. He looks close to tears himself.

"I'll call you in the morning, okay? Kiss August goodnight for me."

* * *

By the time Mariclair returns with August, Olivia has pulled herself together, washed her face and applied fresh mascara in attempt to repair the damage caused by the half an hour she spent crying after her husband walked out.

"Where's Mr. Dec?" asks Mariclair when she walks in with August shortly after nine. The little girl is half asleep from her ride in the car and reaches out her arms for her mother when Olivia comes over to take her. She snuggles into Olivia's neck and as she breathes in the baby scents in her soft hair, she feels the prickling of new tears. _No, I won't cry again. Not now._

"Oh, he had to go back to the station," Olivia stays vaguely. "But thank you, Mariclair, I really appreciate that you switched your hours."

"No problem," says the young woman. She is looking at Olivia with concern. "Do you want me to put August to bed for you?"

"No, thank you, I want to do it…goodnight, Mariclair. Thanks again."

Mariclair goes off to her room, looking over her shoulder one last time. She can tell that something is wrong, but Olivia has clearly dismissed her. "Call me if you need anything," she says before she shuts the door to her room.

Olivia takes August into her bedroom and lays her on the padded table to quickly change her into a dry diaper and pajamas. August is too sleepy to play her usual games and lays there, two fingers in her mouth, softly babbling to herself. She pulls her fingers out of her mouth and gives her mother a brilliant smile. "Ma-ma" she says, very distinctly.

"That's right," says Olivia, astonished. "Mama" She smiles down at her. Her first instinct is to call Dec in so he can hear her say it, but she remembers with a stab of pain that he's not there. She picks her daughter up and holds her close. If this is a sign of some sort, she's not sure how to interpret it. Is this her reward for telling Dec the truth? Or an indication that she and August will be just fine on their own?


	25. Chapter 25

Guidance

Olivia rocks August until she is almost asleep and then puts her gently in her crib. She curls up with the ratty stuffed dog that Eli gave her and which she now refuses to sleep without. Olivia watches as she drifts off with a smile on her tiny face and tries to remember her life before her daughter and husband. It isn't a period to which she wants to return. It wasn't all bad, but there many more lonely nights and bad dates than she cares to think about.

Going back to the kitchen, she pours herself another glass of wine and walks around, turning out lights. She'd really hoped that Declan would come back once he calmed down and had time to think but it's almost 10 pm and it doesn't appear as though it's going to happen. Her chest feels heavy, as if someone has filled her heart with concrete mix and it's slowly turning to stone. The apartment seems so empty without his big, solid presence. She can't begin to imagine what she will do if this is going to be how it is from now on.

In the bedroom, she checks her cell phone once again for messages—nothing. She picks the portable phone up off the cradle and checks the clock. It's late, but what are friends for? She dials the Stabler's number and Kathy picks up on the first ring.

"I told him," Olivia tells her, not bothering with a greeting. "I told him and now he's gone." She bursts into tears again, hard, gut-wrenching sobs that she does her best to stifle so she doesn't wake August and alarm Mariclair.

"Oh, Liv, honey….tell me what happened?" She hears the rustle of sheets and Kathy whispers something in the background. "Is is okay if Elliot listens too?"

Not caring if her partner hears her at her weakest, Olivia sobs out her story and when she is done, Elliot takes the phone from Kathy.

"Liv, don't worry. He just needs time to think…it's what guys do. We go off by ourselves and process. He'll be back, I'm sure of it."

She cries even harder, and hears Elliot pass the phone back to Kathy. "She's still crying," she hears him say, sounding helpless.

"Do you want one of us to come over?" Kathy asks.

"No," Olivia sniffs, grabbing a tissue from the nightstand. She has to pull herself together. "I just needed to talk to someone, I'm sorry; I know it's late…"

"Who cares what time it is?" She hears more rustling and whispers and then Kathy is back. "Talk to me, Liv, tell me again what he said?"

By the time she and Kathy have hashed over the conversation several times, Olivia _is_ feeling better. Elliot is probably right, Declan just needs some time. After an hour, she is calm enough to try to sleep.

"Thank you for listening," she tells Kathy. "At least we don't have to worry that he's going to tell anyone else, he said he wouldn't do that."

"Just give him some time," Kathy tells her for the dozenth time. "He loves you, Liv. He'll be back."

* * *

The next morning, Kathy is getting Eli ready to go to day care for a few hours when the phone rings again. Thinking it must be Olivia again, she snatches it up. To her great surprise, it is Declan.

"I'm sure you've talked to Olivia," he begins hesitantly.

"Yes, she called last night," Kathy tells him simply and waits.

"I was wondering…I would really like to talk to you…if I came out to Queens this afternoon, could you meet me somewhere?"

Kathy is momentarily speechless. She did not expect this.

"Well," she stammers as she thinks. _Why not?_ She doesn't know Declan as well as Elliot and Olivia do, but they have always gotten along well. "I'm taking Eli to day care in a few minutes and then I was going to do some grocery shopping. Do you want to meet somewhere for coffee?"

They settle on a coffee shop near the college in an hour. Kathy debates calling Olivia to tell her of this new development and decides it might be better to wait.

"You're not going to believe who just called," she tells Elliot when he comes into the kitchen. He is dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie, planning to go out for a long walk when they leave. Every day he has been pushing himself a little harder, and it is paying off when it comes to sleeping. He's had fewer nightmares and shorter bouts of insomnia.

"Who?" he asks, taking a banana from the bowl on the table and peeling it. He's been eating a bit more as well, which makes Kathy feel much better. "Dick forget to bring something to school again?"

"No, it was Declan. He wants to talk to me."

Elliot's eyebrows rise in surprise. "How did he sound?"

"Okay, I guess. Tired, discouraged…not angry."

"What did you tell him?"

"I said I'd meet him for coffee in an hour."

"Do you want me to come with you?' he asks, finishing the banana and tossing the skin in the trash. Eli comes running into the kitchen with his backpack and Elliot bends to carefully pick him.

"No, that's probably not a good idea," Kathy says and Elliot nods in understanding. If Dec is going to be mad at anyone, it is him.

"Are you okay with this? You don't have to meet him."

"I want to," Kathy tells him. "Maybe I can help. I feel terrible for both of them, and face it; it's not likely he can talk to anyone about how he's feeling except one of us. I'm the safest option right now."

Elliot nods and comes over, with Eli in his arms to kiss her. "If anyone can help, it will be you," he tells her. Eli, not wanting to be left out, squirms to give his mother a kiss too. She laughs and puts an arm around both of them, giving them each a kiss on the cheek.

"I just want them to be happy again," she says to Elliot. "Like we are."

* * *

Declan is waiting in the coffee shop when Kathy arrives. He is sitting at the table in the corner with a steaming mug in front of him, and looks tired and haggard, with dark circles under his eyes. Kathy waves to let him know she sees him, and goes to the counter to get a cup of chai for herself. Taking it over to his table, she sits opposite him.

"You look like hell," she observes.

He gives a snort of ironic laughter. "I didn't sleep much last night, as you can imagine." He says, picking up a spoon to stir what appears to be black coffee. "After I left the apartment, I drove around for a few hours, and then went to the precinct, but I couldn't sleep. I ended up doing paperwork all night."

Kathy grimaces. "I'm sorry for whatever part we played in all of this," she says softly. "I hope you know that none of us wanted to hurt you. It's just such a….complicated situation."

Declan looks at her now, really looks at her, his green eyes burning with intensity. Kathy can see why Olivia fell for him in the first place; he is an incredibly handsome man and from what she has seen, kind and considerate as well.

"Tell me about it," he observes with a wry smile. They sit there for a moment, and then he asks, "Kathy, how did you…go along with all of this? Was it really your idea to have your husband sleep with Olivia?"

She's been thinking about this since he called, how she will explain what happened. After taking a sip of her chai, she says, "I'll be honest, Dec, it wasn't easy. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be, actually."

"Then why did you do it?" He looks at her, clearly confused. She wonders if he blames _he_r for all of this. Liv has obviously told him that she was the one who suggested it.

"Olivia was so unhappy; I'd never seen her like that," Kathy begins. "I know how much my kids mean to me, and I knew that Olivia would be a great mother. She had such a hang-up about having a stranger being the donor; Elliot just seemed the logical choice. When we found out that the Church was against artificial insemination, it seemed like a dead end, and then I thought…why not?" She looks at Declan to see if he is still with her. He is watching her intently, ignoring his cooling cup of coffee.

"They've always been so close, those two…" she muses, "I used to be jealous at first, and then I just accepted that it's how they are. I realized that, if Elliot wanted to be with her instead of me, he had his chance when we were separated, but nothing happened between them. They're more than friends, but not in a romantic way….more like…."

"Dysfunctional brother and sister?" Declan suggests, and Kathy laughs.

"Maybe," she concedes, " or something in between. Anyway, I didn't feel like Olivia was a threat, and I guess that helped. The hardest part was persuading Elliot to do it."

Declan raises his eyes at this, clearly skeptical.

"It's always been important to Elliot that he _not_ be the man his father was," Kathy explains in defense of her husband. "His father…was a bastard. He died before I met Elliot, but I've heard stories. He cheated on his wife and he wasn't a good father. Elliot wanted to be the exact opposite. So when I suggested he sleep with Olivia, he was dead set against it at first."

"What changed his mind?"

Kathy shrugs. "He loves Olivia," she said simply. "He wants her to be happy, we both do."

They sit in silence for a minute or two.

"How does he feel about August now?" Declan asks after a bit.

"What do you mean?" Kathy is puzzled, not sure where he's going.

"Does he consider her _his_ daughter?"

"It's been difficult for him," Kathy admits. "Difficult for both of us, I guess. But he knows that you're a good father and that you love her," Kathy looks Declan directly in the eye as she says this, as if issuing a challenge, " and that's you'll take care of her and Olivia."

"I don't know that Olivia needs anyone to take care of her," he says, almost sadly. "She's one of the strongest women I know."

"Maybe she doesn't _need_ you to," Kathy corrects, "but no one can be strong all of the time, Dec. I've never seen Olivia as happy as she has been over the past two years. She _loves_ you. "

"And I love her," he says hotly, "but I don't know how to get past the fact that she lied to me."

"She did the wrong thing for the right reasons," Kathy tells him softly. "She was trying to protect all of us. It was what we all agreed on."

"I'm afraid that I'll always be wondering what else she isn't telling me," he admits.

"Declan," Kathy says firmly, reaching across the table to take his hands in hers. He looks surprised but lets her do it. "There are no guarantees when it comes to marriage. It's _not_ all butterflies and rainbows and all of that fairy-tale crap. It's hard work, and sometimes you just have to wing it. Elliot and I have been through hell and back, but it's all been worth it, every minute. It's the bad parts that make the good parts so much better."

Declan looks at her in surprise. This is a side of Kathy he's never seen before.

"I know, I sound like an inspirational talk show host," she laughs, releasing his hands and sitting back in her chair.

"No, you're right," he says. "I love Olivia—and August. I can't imagine a life without them."

"You don't have to," Kathy tells him, with a smile. "Forgive Olivia and move on. The three of you have a wonderful life ahead of you."

He nods slowly, a hopeful smile transforming his tired face. "Yes, we do."


	26. Chapter 26

Over

Elliot is sitting at the kitchen table paying bills when the doorbell rings. Anticipating a salesperson, he puts on his meanest cop face as he strides to the front door and flings it open.

"Hey," says Dec. "Did I catch you at a bad time?" He is standing on the front porch, looking apprehensive and resigned at the same time.

"Uh, no…" Elliot stammers, caught off guard. Declan is the last person he expected to see today. "I thought it was a salesman and I was going to give him the bum's rush. Come on in."

Declan follows him into the kitchen and the two men stand awkwardly for a minute. Elliot motions to a chair. "Coffee?" he asks, and then takes a closer look at the younger man's rough appearance. "Or how about a beer?"

Declan starts to shake his head no, then glances at the clock on the wall. It's a little after noon. "Why not?" he says with an attempt at a chuckle. "A beer would be good about now."

Elliot takes two bottles out of the refrigerator and brings them over to the table. He's got a few more days of antibiotics to take but he figures that this close to the end, a beer can't hurt anything. He's nervous as hell, wondering what Declan is doing here and he could use a beer himself.

"Glass?" he asks Dec as he opens a bottle of Harp and passes it to him.

"Nah, this is fine." He starts to take a swallow, then raises his bottle to clink against Elliot's "Slainte," he says wryly.

They drink in silence for a few minutes. "So," Dec finally begins. "I guess you know that Olivia told me, and that I talked to Kathy a little while ago."

Elliot nods, not sure what to expect. "How are you doing?" he asks quietly. "You know we never meant to hurt you, right?"

Declan gives a little snort of laughter, then stops himself. "Yeah, I know," he sighs. He raises his eyes to look Elliot full in the face. "I just wanted to stop by and say...thank you."

Elliot is dumbfounded. "Thank you?"

Declan continues to hold his gaze. "For giving Olivia what she wanted most—the one thing I could never give her—a child of her own. I know it couldn't have been easy decision for you."

Now Elliot is truly speechless. This is the last thing he expected to hear. He lowers his gaze and peels at the label on his bottle, trying to think of an appropriate response. An image of Olivia, naked in the shower, allowing him to take her from behind, flashes through his mind and he quickly pushes it away, his cheeks reddening in a hot burn. He _never_ allows himself to revisit that weekend. How can Declan even stand to sit at the same table with him? He wouldn't, if he knew the things they had done to conceive August.

"I don't know what to say, Dec," he says finally, raising his hands in a gesture of helplessness. "I care about Olivia, she's family. We—Kathy and I both—wanted her to be happy."

Declan nods slowly. He finishes his beer and sets the bottle down on the table with a clink. "There's only one thing I need to know."

Elliot's heart sinks. He can't be about to ask for details of that weekend, can he? He will not, _cannot,_ talk to Olivia's husband about that, for christsakes.

"August." Declan continues. "If we're going to be a real family, Olivia and August and I—I have to be her father. Her only father."

It feels like he has dodged a bullet, like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. "That's what I want too, man." Elliot says softly. "I know you love her and you'll take care of her. I've got no claim on her."

Declan nods again, as if this sentence confirms something for him. He stands, and moves around the table to extend his hand to Elliot, confirming their agreement with a handshake.

Just then, the front door flies open and Eli comes barreling in, followed by Kathy, whose eyes are wide with concern. When she pulled into the driveway and saw Declan's car, all she could imagine was that he'd had a sudden change of heart and come to take it out on Elliot, who wouldn't be able to defend himself in his still-weak condition. Seeing him standing over her seated husband does nothing to alleviate her fears.

"Uncle Dec!" Eli cries, running to the kitchen before she can stop him and throwing his arms around his legs. "Did you bring August? Where is she?"

Declan rests a hand on Eli's head, tipping it back so he can see his face. "She's not with me, buddy. I just stopped by to see your dad for a minute." He looks at Elliot, a small smile playing across his face. "But we'll all get together soon, I promise."

Elliot gives him a small nod. Not a lot of words have been exchanged, but they've reaching an understanding.

* * *

Olivia is sitting at her desk, trying to concentrate on the pile of files in front of her, but failing miserably. She is so tired and her mind keeps wandering to thoughts of Declan, wondering where he is and what he is doing. She hears footsteps and looks up to see him walking toward her desk. She blinks, wondering if she has conjured up a hallucination from a combination of fatigue and hopes. He looks tired and worn, but there is a smile on his face. Is he coming to tell her they are through? He wouldn't be smiling if that was his plan, would he? He stops in front of her.

"I wanted to let you know I'm heading home early," he says, as if absolutely nothing has happened. "I'll start dinner, okay? What time do you think you'll be home?"

She stands up and looks at him in astonishment, then throws her arms around him, burying her face in his neck. "Oh, Dec," she whispers. Over his shoulder, she sees Cragen start to come out of his office, see them and turn around to go back in. She pulls away and gives her husband a tremulous smile. "I love you," she says softly.

He bends and gives her a quick kiss. "I love you, too." He smiles again and is gone, heading out the door with a long, confident stride.

* * *

When she arrives home that night, the apartment is redolent with aroma of cooking food.

"Oh my God, what_ is_ that?" Olivia asks as she drops her coat over the back of a chair in the entryway. These weren't the first words she had intended to say, but the smells are so appetizing her mouth is watering and she realizes she has barely eaten all day. Her stomach rumbles in anticipation.

"Prime rib and oven roasted vegetables," says Declan from the stove. He has August in her highchair, far away from the heat to not get burned, but close enough to keep her occupied while he cooks, with measuring cups and spoons which she is gleefully throwing on the floor for him to pick up again. He has showered and changed clothes and looks more rested than when she saw him earlier. It is a scene of such domestic harmony that Olivia's heart seizes up for a minute. _I almost lost this, all of this. _

On the counter is an open bottle of wine and two glasses. He fills one and offers it, his eyes locked on hers. She accepts the glass, but immediately sets it down on the counter so she can wrap her arms around him, holding him as tightly as she can, her head against his chest so that she can hear the strong thump of his heart. He puts his own around her and they sway together for a moment.

"Dec, I was so scared," she tells him, tipping her face up so she can see his. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you from the beginning, and I promise, I'll never keep anything from you again. I love you."

"I know," he says softly, bending down to kiss her. "We're good."

Their tender moment ends when August, feeling ignored, throws a set of metal measuring spoons on the floor as hard as she can and simultaneously shrieks. Her parents laugh, and pull apart.

"Feeling left out, baby girl?" Olivia asks, lifting her out of the high chair. August beams, happy to be the center of attention again. "Where's Mariclair?" she asks.

"I told her we didn't need her this evening and she's gone out with friends, some of the other au pairs from the agency," Declan tells her, putting his arm around both of his girls and bending to give Olivia a lingering kiss. "She won't be back until late."

Olivia smiles up at him. A little privacy can be a good thing.

* * *

After dinner, they bathe August together, and Declan reads her a book before rocking her to sleep. At this stage, she's more interested in grabbing at the book to try and chew the pages, but Kathy has passed on a pile of Eli's baby-proof board books that stand up to little teeth. After a few half-hearted attempts to swipe at the book, August settles back into the crook of her father's arm and listens as he reads:

Goodnight stars,

Goodnight air

Goodnight noises everywhere.*

Olivia lies on the single bed in her daughter's room, watching them together and feeling her heart swell with pride. She can't quite believe that she has told Declan the truth and he has forgiven her; she's a little nervous about the conversation that will take place after August is asleep. When the story is finished, she gets up and places a kiss on both Augusts' and Declan's foreheads. "I'm going to take a quick shower," she tells him and on her way out of the room, turns off all of the lights except for a dim lamp on the far side of the room.

She is standing under the almost-hot water, rolling her head on her shoulders to release the tension of the past twenty-four hours when she hears the door to the shower stall slide open and feels a rush of cooler air.

"Mind if I join you?" her husband asks, a grin on his face. "I'm feeling a little dirty."

Olivia gives him a slow smile of her own and passes him the bottle of shower get she was just about to use. "I'll never say no to having my back scrubbed," she says, her voice low and husky. Declan squeezes some gel into the palm of his hand and she turns her back to him, lifting her heavy hair so he has complete access. He washes her back as requested, but then turns her and pulls her close against his body so that her back is against his hard chest. She can feel the heat of his erection against her ass and she presses back into it, eliciting a small groan.

He reaches around her with his arms, pours more gel into one hand and begins to soap her front as she relaxes against him. Now he takes his time, spreading the fragrant suds over her neck, collarbones and breasts, taking a few extra minutes to tease her nipples into hard points. As she moans in satisfaction, he slides his hand down her abdomen and between her legs. She presses back against him even harder, sliding her now soapy backside against the growing bulge of his erection. Declan rinses the soap off his hand before circling her clit with his finger, and then sliding one, then two fingers into her moist depths. Olivia closes her eyes and gives in to the sensation as he brings his other hand up to her breast and synchronizes circling her nipple with the same movement down below. After a few minutes she is so aroused she can't stand it and pulls herself away with difficulty to face him.

"I want you inside me," she says in that same husky voice. Declan slides his hands under her to lift her to the windowsill. The spacious shower stall was custom built into the bathroom of the pre-WW2 building in which they live and includes an old window with frosted glass in which the woodwork has been replaced with water-resistant tile. They realized, not long after moving in, that the wide sill of the window was perfect not only for storing shampoo and soap, but for making love.

Declan takes her face between his hands and plants kisses all over her face—eyes, cheeks, the corners of her lips. He nibbles at her bottom lip and pulls it into his mouth, sucking gently. After all of his caresses, Olivia is too impatient to play games and reaching down, grasps his thick, heavy erection in her hand and guides him to where she wants him.

"You're in a hurry," Declan comments, making no effort to help her. He continues to nuzzle and nibble at her face and neck as she slides her hips down to force him to enter her.

"Don't be such a tease, Dec," she groans, as her efforts fail without his cooperation. He laughs, a slow deep chuckle and finally obliges her, aligning his hips with hers until he slides in with one long smooth movement. She moans with pleasure, and wiggles on the wet sill until they are perfectly matched up. She leans forward so that her forehead is resting against his, her wet hair covering both of their faces. Her arms wrapped around his neck, she also wraps her legs around his waist to give him a better angle as he begins a slowly steady rocking in and out motion. His hands slide down to grip her ass, pulling in her in even tighter. They are joined and touching everywhere, hands, mouths and all of the places that matter.

"Liv," he groans after a few minutes, and reaches between their bodies to rub her clit again. He is close to finishing himself and he wants her to come along with him. The extra friction is all she needs and it isn't long before she buries her face into his shoulder as the waves of an orgasm ride over her. He follows close behind, with a guttural groan that adds a few more waves to her pleasure ride. They collapse against each other, the water of the shower still pounding on the tile behind them.

"I think you bit me," Declan says with astonishment when he recovers, and sure enough, when Olivia pulls away to look, there is a clear imprint of teeth on his shoulder. She was so wrapped up in her pleasure that she didn't even realize she was doing it. She presses her lips, and then her tongue against the marks, soothing the sting.

"God, I love make-up sex," Declan comments, as they towel off in the bathroom a few minutes later. "What can we fight about next?"

Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown, 1947, HarperCollins


	27. Chapter 27

Clear

"I really thought Declan came here to kick your ass," Kathy tells Elliot that evening after dinner. They are sitting at the table, relaxing with a cup of coffee before bedtime routines start up. Eli is out in the living room with the twins, watching an episode of SpongeBob as a special treat. "He was fine when he left the coffee shop, but he never said a word about coming here to talk to you. I thought he got mad again after he left."

"I was pretty surprised when I saw him at the door," Elliot admits, then chuckles. He had the same thought when he opened the door and saw Declan standing there.

"I hope they work everything out," Kathy says, "He really does love her, you know."

"He does and I think they'll be okay," Elliot replies. He thinks about the determined look in the younger man's eyes when he told him that August needed to have just one father. That look left no doubt that he intended it to be him. It reassures him and gives him a sense of closure, like he has officially passed on the baton in a particularly long relay race.

Kathy stands and starts loading the dishwasher with the rest of the dishes from dinner. After a minute, she turns and looks at him.

"Your cardiology appointment is coming up," she says softly. "Have you decided what you'll do if he clears you to go back to work?"

Elliot looks at her. His eyes are dark and brooding. "No," he says. "I haven't decided." She can tell by the tone of his voice that he doesn't want to talk about it, and since there has been enough drama in this day, she drops the subject. On her next pass by the table to pick up a serving bowl, she pauses to press a kiss against his temple, and stands there for a minute, resting her chin on the top of his head. She will never take this man for granted again.

"What was that for?" he laughs, tipping his head back to look up at her.

"Because I can." She smiles down at him and goes back to doing dishes. Elliot finishes his coffee and gets up to help her. They clean up the kitchen in companionable silence, passing each other items to put away. Normally the twins would be helping with this job, but the trade-off of a half an hour of peace and quiet while they entertained their younger brother was too good for their parents to pass up.

* * *

Elliot is too antsy to sit and instead paces around Mark's office while they talk.

"So, the cardiologist cleared you to go back to work...when?" Mark asks, watching Elliot from his position on the couch. He is not happy about the pacing, but respects his need for movement.

"In two weeks, on restricted duty, so that means pushing papers for another six weeks until I'm fully cleared." Elliot's tone shows his disdain for this idea, but even he knows he's not back to full strength yet and couldn't be out working cases.

"This makes you anxious." Mark states, rather than asks.

"Hell, yes!" Elliot exclaims. He sits down in the armchair across from Edelman but he's still restless, picking at the leg of his jeans. "If I'm not going to go back, I need to give Cragen notice now. I need to make a decision, but I can't."

"Let's go through the pros and cons." Mark says calmly. "What's the upside of going back to work at SVU?"

Elliot practically leaps out of the chair and begins pacing again. "It's a job I love and I'm damn good at it. I like the people I work with. I feel like I'm making a difference. The work's not boring; it's something different every day."

Mark waits in silence for a few seconds, waiting to see if he adds anything else. "How does the situation with Olivia fit into how you feel about work?"

Elliot flops back into the chair. "For awhile, I felt like that was one more reason to leave, that maybe I needed to put some distance between me and Olivia and August. Now that everything has is straightened out, now that Dec knows, I think we'd be fine working together again." He thinks back to the weekend, when they'd all, Maureen and Kathleen included, been invited into the city to their apartment for dinner. He'd expected things to be at least a little awkward, but the bustle of six children in a small apartment provided lots of distractions. The adults had fun watching Dick moon over Mariclair and in general, the meal had been a good ice-breaker. Olivia and Declan looked happier than ever and Elliot finally felt at peace with the whole situation.

Mark nods. "So, what are the cons?"

Elliot looks directly at him. His blue eyes are dark with anguish. "I don't want to leave my family," he says in a low voice. "I literally don't want to leave them to go back to work at all. I was almost hoping to have a permanent disability so I could take early retirement and just stay home. After what happened, I don't want them out of my sight."

This is the first time Edelman has heard this, and while he is careful to keep his expression neutral, the interrogator in Elliot notices how his eyes widen in surprise.

"It's not just working at SVU that that's the problem then?"

Elliot shrugs. "I don't want to leave them at all, to do anything. Going back to SVU seems even more risky, because of the danger involved. We deal with the scum of the earth..." his voice trails off and Mark waits as Elliot stares at his feet, lost in his thoughts. Finally, he raises his eyes back to meet Mark's. "I never used to be afraid. I'm a good cop; I don't take unnecessary risks. I've been injured on the job before, but never anything this serious. This time, I really thought I might die, and the idea that I could have left them all behind...I don't know if I can put myself in that situation again."

"What about another job on the force? Something with not as much risk involved?"

Elliot snorts. "A desk job? I'd die of boredom."

"Have you ever thought of doing something outside of police work?"

"Like what—security guard?" He scoffs. "All I've ever done is be a cop. I don't know how to be anything else."

"Elliot, I can probably get your medical leave extended for awhile longer based on your emotional issues," Mark says after awhile. "PSTD is a definitive diagnosis and you're still suffering from it. Not wanting to leave home is a classic symptom, although you've put a different twist on it—most people are fearful for themselves. You're afraid of losing your family, or not being there for them. Given the work that you do, that makes sense—to an extent."

Elliot groans. "Once a psychiatric diagnosis is in a cop's jacket, you might as well turn in your badge. I made the mistake of telling a shrink years ago that I fantasized about killing pedophiles and it's haunted me ever since. This would kill my career. They'd second guess every decision I made."

Mark turns his hands palm up. "You've got to make a choice then. Go back to work and continue to work on your issues, or take an extended leave and work on them. It's up to you."

Frowning, Elliot looks down at his hands, which are clasped together so tightly the knuckles are turning white. He releases them and stretches his fingers, trying to relax.

"We don't have to decide anything today. You've got two more weeks: let the department think you're coming back as planned. If you decide differently, you can let them know then. In the meantime, let's up your sessions to four times a week." He smiles at the dismay on Elliot's face. "Before our next session, I want you to spend some time thinking about other positions. Imagine yourself in another department, think of what your daily routine would be like. Picture yourself at a desk, working. Picture yourself going home to your family at the end of the day. Really spend some time on it. We'll explore it more in our next session."

* * *

Kathy hears Elliot come through the front door with a slam and frowns. Not a good sign. He's been agitated since the cardiologist cleared him to go back to work two days ago, irritable and restless. For the first time in a few weeks, he's been up during the night again. She's in the kitchen, folding laundry at the kitchen table when he comes in with a scowl on his face and goes right to the refrigerator for a beer.

"When do we have to pick Eli up from day care?" he asks, rummaging in the drawer for a bottle opener. He pops the cap off and takes a long swallow. Kathy glances at the clock—it's a little after three. She is familiar with this mood, having seen it often enough when he comes home after a trying day at work, feeling frustrated and impotent when a case isn't going well.

"At about four-thirty, today was the field trip to the zoo." She folds the last towel and adds it to the pile on the table and turns to face him. "Rough session?"

He leans back against the counter, and takes another long swallow of his beer before he nods. He's still wearing his coat, a beat up leather bomber jacket that he's had almost as long as they've been married, over a grey hoodie. Between the casual clothing and the restless look in his eye, he reminds her of the hot-headed boy she fell head over heels for in high school. She feels a quick stirring of desire and steps closer to him, grasping the front of his jacket and giving him an exploratory kiss.

"We've got another hour to ourselves," she says, nuzzling his ear. "I bet I could make you feel better."

He gives a low chuckle of appreciation and setting the bottle down on the counter behind him, slides his hands down to her ass to pull her tight against him. "I bet you can."

They kiss for a few minutes. When he thrusts his tongue into her mouth, he tastes of beer and she finds even this arousing, a reminder of the keg party where he first got up the nerve to ask her out. He takes his hands off her behind to bury them in her hair as his kisses become rougher and more demanding. Elliot is usually a gentle lover, considerate and tender, but when he's in this mood, he becomes a different person. It's a nice change of pace once in awhile.

She pulls away and steps back. Holding his eyes with her, she gives him a mischievous smile and starts unbuckling his belt. He leans back against the counter and watches with only a glint of blue showing under his lowered eyelids while she slowly, teasing unzips his jeans and reaches inside to release him. He's already semi-erect, and as she lowers herself to her knees in front of him, she feels him growing even harder in her hand. It gives her a feeling of power to know that, even after all of these years, she can have this effect on him.

As she takes him in her mouth, he gives a low groan and braces himself with his hands spread out wide and gripping the edge of the counter. She knows exactly what he likes and it isn't long before he's reaching down to her pull her to her feet and tugging at her clothes. She laughs as he pulls her t-shirt over her head but the laugh turns to a moan as he nips at her breast through the thin material of her sports bra. He reaches behind her to unclasp the back and tosses it aside; renewing his attention to her now bare nipples as he simultaneously pushes down her yoga pants. She steps out of them and wraps her arms around him, leaning in to leave a trail of wet kisses down his neck. She is totally naked and he is still fully dressed as he slides his hands under her ass to lift her, turning to set her down on the kitchen table covered with laundry. She feels him hesitate for a second when he does this and wonders what the problem is but then he's testing her wetness with a probing finger before shoving his pants down further and entering her with a rough thrust.

She props herself up on her elbows and holds on to the edge of the table as he pounds into her, over and over. She starts to drop her head back as she loses herself in the sensation, but his voice pulls her back into the moment.

"Look at me," he commands in hoarse voice. "I want to see your eyes..." he grunts as he gives another hard thrust..."when you come."

She has to close her eyes for a second at the rush command that gives her, but she forces them open and does her best to hold his gaze as he keeps up a relentless rhythm. She lets go of the table with one hand and slides down to where their bodies are joined, circling her clit with one finger as he continues. She's afraid he's going to hurt himself if he continues at this pace but she's not about to tell him to stop. He leans forward and kisses her as roughly as he's thrusting, taking her lower between his teeth. The line between pleasure and pain is a fine one and it's enough to push her over the edge. She does her best to keep her eyes open, to look at him as he wants as the waves crash over her, but it's impossible. She tosses her head back with a groan and succumbs.

As she feels him tense and start to follow her, her eyes fly open in alarm. "Elliot!" she gasps, "no condom."

He gives a mighty groan and one last thrust that she feels all the way to her core, before pulling out and collapsing against her as he erupts, waves of sticky fluid coating her belly. She sits up and holds him close, her hands wound together at the back of his neck as he takes a deep shuddering breath and releases it. He buries his face in her neck.

"I totally forgot" he groans. "I feel like a stupid teenager."

"Yeah," she whispers into his ear, giving his lobe a gentle nip. "And wasn't it great?"

* * *

When they finally separate, conscious of the clock and the need to clean up before picking Eli up, she notices Elliot wince. He starts to slide his jacket off his shoulders and gives an involuntary moan of pain.

"What's the matter?" she asks.

"My rib, the one in the back. I think I broke it again."


	28. Chapter 28

Setback

Kathy looks at him in disbelief. "You broke your rib—when you picked me up?"

"I think so," he grimaces. She helps him slide the jacket off and gingerly probes at his the spot on his back where the rib was broken. There is a small bump and he yelps when she touches it.

"I think you're right," she confirms, and shakes her head. He stopped wearing the binding a few weeks ago, and his ribs have not been giving him as much pain. At his last visit, Templeton had confirmed that they were healing well and it didn't look as if he'd need additional surgery. She begins to laugh.

"What's so funny?" he asks through gritted teeth as he lowers himself into a kitchen chair. He has pulled his pants back up, but they remain unzippered and unbelted. She bends to pick up her t-shirt and pulls it on over her sticky nakedness.

"Just wondering how you're going to explain this to the doctor," she says. "I'll go take a quick shower and get changed. Why don't you give Templeton a call? I'm sure he's going to want you to go to the ER."

She hands him the phone and one of the doctor's appointment cards from the bulletin board where she keeps everything organized and leaves him sitting at the table looking miserable while she goes to get ready.

"Bring me down some clean pants," he calls after her, as he picks up the phone.

When she comes back downstairs with a change of clothes for him, he snatches them out of her hand and walks carefully to the downstairs bathroom to change and clean up. Templeton does indeed want to come to the ER and Elliot doesn't seem to find the situation as humorous as she does. She can't stop giggling.

"What are we going to do about Eli?" he asks as he makes his way to the bathroom. "Should we pick him up and take him with us?"

"Let me call Liv and see if she can get him," Kathy says, reaching for the phone. "He'd be miserable at the hospital and the twins won't be home until late, they had an away basketball game. And I know both Maureen and Kathleen are working this evening; I spoke to them this morning.

She reaches Olivia on the first try and asks if it would be possible for her to pick Eli up before the day care center closes at six. She's starting to explain the situation when Elliot calls from the open bathroom: "No need for details!"

"Yes, he thinks he re-broke his rib….he was, um…lifting something he shouldn't have….yeah, I know he's stubborn….I need to keep a better eye on him…."

Elliot glares at her as he comes out of the bathroom. She can see that he will not take kindly to telling Liv the whole story and suppresses the urge to share. Maybe he'll be able to laugh about it when he's not in so much pain.

Olivia agrees to pick Eli up and bring him home and pick the twins up from school when the sport's bus gets in. Kathy calls day care to ask them to keep Eli until Olivia can get there, then picks up Elliot's coat to help him back into it.

"I'll go without it," he says through gritted teeth and she can see that he really is in pain.

"I guess I need to go on a diet," she ventures, but this doesn't elicit even a smile. She helps him out and into the van, where he has to sit forward to avoid putting pressure on his back.

"My poor baby," she says, as she starts the van. "I'm sorry, I should have known better, I should have stopped you…"

He looks at her, and finally, reluctantly, gives her a rueful smile. "That's okay," he tells her. "It was worth it. Now you just have to help me come up with a good cover story before we get to the hospital."

Olivia picks up Eli by five. He is delighted to see her, but disappointed that August isn't with her. The twin's bus isn't due to arrive until six, so she decides to go back to the Stabler house to see if there is anything to rustle up for dinner or if she should order take-out. Kathy told her she could leave once the twins are home to watch their brother, but she plans to stay until they are back from the hospital to be sure that everything is okay. Kathy was holding something back when they spoke on the phone; that much was clear.

On the way home, Eli chatters happily from the backseat about the field trip to the zoo and all of the animals they saw. He had easily accepted her explanation that his parents were at a doctor's appointment that was running late; Elliot has been to the doctor a lot in recent months and it doesn't seem unusual to him anymore.

In the house, she frowns at the mess of laundry on the kitchen table. It was clearly folded at one time, but now looks as if someone has been rolling around in it. She gets Eli a snack and helps him turn on cartoons, then re-folds the laundry, stacking it in a basket that was on the floor next to the table. She goes into the bathroom to wash her hands and finds a pair of Elliot's jeans and boxer briefs on the floor. _Odd_. She can see him changing his pants before a sudden trip to the ER, but these look perfectly clean—and why would he need clean under….as she picks them up to take them to the laundry chute in the kitchen, she catches a whiff of a familiar odor. She struggles to place it and finally realizes, with a reddening of her cheeks, that is the chlorine-like tang-of semen.

She laughs to herself as it all clicks into place—Kathy's evasiveness on the phone, Elliot muttering in the background, the messed up laundry on the table and the quickly changed clothing.

_Oh, won't this be fun!_ She thinks of the blackmail potential, and then realizes with a pang that a new break means more healing time and Elliot won't be able to return to work in two weeks as planned. She's was thrilled to hear he'd been cleared to return, even if just for desk duty. They are so backlogged without him there that even having him work just the phones would be a huge help. While she doesn't mind working with either Fin or Munch, she misses Elliot's singular approach. They've worked cases together for so long they know each other's thought processes; with anyone else, it's just more work.

She sighs, and opens the phone book to look for the number of the pizza place near the grocery store. They can pick up the order when they get the twins.

"Hey, Eli—what do you guys like on your pizza?"

When Kathy and Elliot return from the hospital shortly after eight, they find Olivia and the kids all squashed onto the couch together, watching a movie. Eli is curled up on Liv's lap in his pajamas and beginning to nod off, but springs back into action when he sees his parents.

"Mommy! Daddy!" he squeals, and run to Elliot to be picked up, but Kathy quickly intercepts him.

"Whoa, buddy," she says. "Dad's ribs are hurting him again. We have to be careful not to bump him."

Eli looks crestfallen and takes a closer look at his father, who does look pale and uncomfortable.

"How did your hurt your ribs again, Dad?" Lizzie asks, getting up off the couch and giving him a gentle hug. "You were doing so well."

"I was moving the garbage cans and I guess they were too heavy," he mumbles. He and Kathy exchange a guilty glance.

"I would have taken care of those when I got home, Dad, you didn't have to do it," says Dick, looking sheepish. "I was running late this morning, and didn't have time before school."

"Don't worry about it," Elliot says with a grimace, feeling like a heel for making his son feel responsible for his injury. He _had _moved the garbage cans before he left for his therapy appointment, but that hadn't bothered his ribs a bit. What was he supposed to tell them? _I got carried away banging your mother on the kitchen table? _ He heads for the kitchen to get a glass of water for his new prescription for pain medicine.

"What did the hospital say?" he hears Olivia ask Kathy as he leaves the room.

She explains how he has an orthopedic consult the next day to see about having a titanium brace inserted to support the weak area of his rib.

"They usually just let ribs heal on their own, as long as it takes," she tells Olivia and the twins. "But they think the bullet damaged a little too much bone and that spot will never entirely heal as strong as it was before. In a way, it's good that it happened now, because they can deal with it and fix it once and for all."

The surgery will be minor, an outpatient procedure, but it will add at least another month to his recuperation time. What she doesn't tell Olivia is how relieved he looked to hear this, as if he had been given a reprieve.

Olivia and Kathy go out to the kitchen to check on Elliot. He's standing by the sink taking careful sips from a glass of water. Liv can see from the bandages peeking out of the vee of his t-shirt that they've re-wrapped his ribs.

"Thank you so much," says Kathy. "And thank you for staying with the kids, but I'm sure they would have been fine on their own."

"It's okay, I wanted to make sure super stud was really okay," Olivia comments dryly. Elliot glances up, casting her a sharp glance.

"What did you say?" he asks, looking from her to Kathy. He knows Kathy hasn't had time to tell her the whole story; she's been with him almost every minutes since they left the house.

"I re-folded your laundry," she tells them. Elliot's cheeks redden and Kathy laughs. "And I _am_ a detective. You didn't think I'd figure it out?"

"If you tell Munch or Fin…" Elliot begins, and Olivia holds up a warning finger.

"You're in no position to be making threats, stud muffin," she tells him with a broad grin. "You are going to owe me for a _long_ time." She reaches for her jacket and slips it on. "Try to behave yourselves, now. I can't come bail you two out every time you're feeling frisky, Elliot."

Elliot groans and shakes his head as she walks out the door, still laughing.

"Still think it was all worth it?" Kathy asks, stroking his cheek and giving him a gentle kiss.

"Oh, yeah."


	29. Chapter 29

Watershed

_watershed, noun: A critical point that marks a division or a change of course; a turning point_

As soon as Olivia walks in the squad room the next morning, Cragen calls her into his office.

"How's Elliot?" he asks, motioning for her to take a seat. His brown eyes are full of concern. When Kathy called yesterday asking her to pick up Eli, Olivia had to explain to Cragen why she was leaving early.

"He did break his rib again," Olivia admits. Cragen looks crestfallen. They've been counting on having Elliot back to help out soon. "He has to have surgery, and he'll be out at least another month."

"Another month!" Cragen exclaims. He falls silent for a minute. "I don't know if I can convince 1PP that we don't need a filler for another month. They're already bitching about our slower closure rate."

Olivia groans. She really doesn't want to have to deal with a new partner for just a month, or for any length of time.

"And what was he doing when he broke his rib?" Cragen asks petulantly. "He needs to learn to follow doctor's orders and take it easy when's he's told to."

Suppressing a grin, Olivia explains: "Evidently that rib was compromised by the bullet lodging in it; it was just a matter of time until it broke again. He really didn't do anything…." She struggles for an acceptable explanation…."out of the ordinary." She would love to relay the story of just what Elliot was doing when he re-injured himself, but she knows there would be hell to pay if her partner ever found out she'd ratted on him.

Cragen sighs. "When is his surgery?"

"This afternoon," Olivia explains. "It's a one-day procedure, he'll be home tonight."

"I'll give him a call tomorrow," Cragen says. "He's going to have to sign more paperwork to extend his leave; maybe I'll drive it out to him."

"I'm sure he'd love to see you," Olivia answers, getting up to go back to her desk. She hasn't mentioned Elliot's lack of interest in returning to work to the Captain; maybe if he goes to see him in person he'll get a better response than she has.

* * *

Back in the squad room, she breaks the news to Munch and Fin about the delay in Elliot's return and Cragen's fears about having a replacement assigned to them. The two men groan simultaneously.

"Better not be that idiot they gave us when you were out on maternity leave," Fin complains. "That man didn't have an ounce of compassion for vics, treated 'em all like they was perps."

"We could get by without anyone for another month," adds Munch, but even he doesn't sound convinced. The truth is, they've all been working long hours to clear cases and like it or not, they could use some help. "How the hell did Stabler break his rib again?"

Again, Olivia suppresses the urge to share and gives them the same vague answer she gave Cragen.

"Was probably having wild sex with the wife and did himself in," grumbles Fin as he flips open a case file. "He's getting all of the shit calls when he does get back."

Olivia's eyes widen and she has to turn quickly toward her desk so Fin doesn't see her reaction. Munch however, doesn't miss a thing and his eyes narrow.

"Is Fin right? Is that how he broke his rib?"

Olivia tries to look offended for Elliot. "It doesn't matter what he was doing; the doctor said it was just a matter of time, the bone was too damaged from the bullet."

"Doesn't it just figure?" scoffs Fin. "We're all workin' our tails off, and Stabler is home getting laid."

"I didn't say that's what he was doing," Olivia throws her hands up in surrender and goes to her own desk and boots up her computer. "And if either of you wants to live to see him return, I wouldn't say anything to him about it."

Munch and Fin exchange a knowing glance. "Well, it's good to know that _someone_ is getting some," John sighs and pulls his chair out at his own desk.

* * *

Elliot's surgery is scheduled for after lunch but he can't eat anything after midnight the night before. By 10 am, he is grumbling. "What stupid idiot made up _that_ rule?" he snaps at Kathy. She knows that he is nervous about the upcoming surgery, even though the doctor assured him it would be a routine procedure and barring complications, he'll be able to come home the same day.

"You know why they do it," she tells him calmly, as if she is speaking to one of the kids. "I can make you some tea if you'd like."

"I can do it myself," he says petulantly and goes off to the kitchen.

They drop Eli off at day care in time to eat lunch with his friends. Maureen is not working that evening and will pick him up and wait at home until they return. Before they leave, Elliot bends over awkwardly and hugs Eli so long that the little boy is soon squirming. "Daddy! I got's to _go_, my friends are _waiting_!"

Elliot ruffles his hair and tells him: "Have fun, little man," watching as he runs off to join the group.

In the waiting room at the hospital he is fidgeting, jumping out of his seat to pace the room, returning to sit and then repeating the whole process.

"Elliot, what is _wrong_?" Kathy finally asks. "Are you nervous? You've been through much worse than this and come out fine."

He rubs his hand down over his face and sighs. "I just don't have a good feeling," he finally tells her, meeting her eyes. "I'm afraid I'm going to go to sleep and never wake up."

Kathy reaches out for his hand and holds it tight. Now he is making her nervous as well. "Babe, you're going to be fine. Dr. Templeton promised he'd be right there and watching when the orthopedic surgeon puts the brace in. Nothing is going to go wrong."

He nods, but she can see he isn't convinced. Is this all part of the PTSD? Elliot has never been the type to worry about what _might_ happen or what _might_ go wrong.

When they are finally ready for him, he asks her to come in the room while he changes into a gown and the nurses prep him for surgery. Kathy sits at the side of the small room, trying to stay out of the way while they start an IV and review his history for the millionth time in the last month.

When they are ready to take him down to the OR, the nurse gives them a few minutes alone.

"Enjoy your nap," says Kathy, smiling down at him. He reaches up and takes her hand, squeezing it so tightly it hurts.

"Kathy, I love you," he tells her in an urgent tone, "If anything happens…"

"Nothing is going to happen, Elliot." She says firmly.

"If anything does, tell the kids I love them and I'm proud of them. I don't tell them that enough."

"Oh, babe," she bends over and kisses his forehead to hide the sudden rush of tears. "They know, they do." She runs her the back of her hand softly down the side of his face. "Everything is going to be fine, El, it really is." He closes his eyes, still gripping her hand tightly. It scares her to see him like this. Elliot is always the strong one.

Two nurses come to push his stretcher down to the operating room. When they have him out in the hall, Kathy motions to one of them to step into the room with her.

"He's really, really anxious," she tells her. "He thinks he's not going to wake up. Please take care of him for me, okay?"

The nurse nods and places a comforting hand on her arm. "I will, Mrs. Stabler. And I'll tell the anesthesiologist. He can add something to the IV to decrease his anxiety. It will all be over soon."

Kathy nods and thanks her, standing in the door to watch as they wheel her husband away.

* * *

Templeton comes to find Kathy when the surgery is over.

"It went great, not a single hitch," he tells her, a big smile on his face. "Dr. Carlyle was able to use the less invasive brace that only takes one screw. It reduces the chance of blood loss to the bone. He'll be better than ever when he heals."

"Thank you," Kathy says, feeling relief. The longer she waited, the more nervous she felt, worrying that Elliot's premonition was correct. "Can I go in with him now?"

"He won't be awake for a bit and then he'll be disoriented," Templeton starts to say and then shakes his head as if wondering why he is arguing with her. "Sure, let me tell the nurses. I understand he was feeling anxious before his surgery, it will probably help to have you there when he wakes up."

He leaves and comes back for her a few minutes later, bringing her to a small curtained area in the recovery room. Elliot is laying on his side, propped up with pillows, his chest bare except for the wide stripe of bandages binding his ribs again. He looks as if he is just asleep, but his color is grey and there is a furrow in his forehead where he is frowning in his sleep.

A nurse brings a chair so that she can sit by his side and she resumes the now familiar ritual of waiting for him to regain consciousness. After half an hour, he starts to stir, moving restlessly on the narrow bed, but not opening his eyes.

"Elliot?" Kathy calls softly, putting her hand on his shoulder. His eyes flicker briefly but then he is back out. It takes another thirty minutes before he is fully awake and aware of his surroundings. When he sees his wife, he gives her a tired smile.

"Hey," he says hoarsely, and tries to clear his throat. The movement makes him wince with pain. Kathy steps to the edge of the curtain, looking for a nurse. When she comes, she asks if he can have some water.

"Let me check him over, and then he can have a drink." She says, smiling at Elliot. "How are we feeling, Mr. Stabler?"

"I don't know how you're feeling, but I feel like shit," he tells her. She laughs and looks at Kathy. "Is he always this grumpy?"

Kathy shakes her head. Elliot is making a face at the nurse's use of the pronoun, but she fortunately can't see him because she's behind him, checking his monitors. She gives him a warning look to behave and he makes a face at her as well.

* * *

By the time they clear Elliot to go home, it is early evening. Kathy experiences of a flash of déjà vu as she pulls up the van to where the nurse is waiting with her husband in a wheel chair. This time, however, he is able to get out of the chair and into the van without assistance. As the nurse turns to go back into the building, he calls a thank you to her. When she turns with a smile, he adds: "And I'm sorry I was so grouchy to you earlier."

Her smile softens and she takes a step back to the van, placing her hand on his arm. "Detective Stabler, I was here when they brought you in the first time. You've been through a lot in the last few weeks. I think you've earned the right to be grouchy now and then."

He nods, and smiles back. "Well, thank you for not giving it right back to me."

"If I see you back here again-and I hope that I don't—I won't be as easy on you." She grins, and with a nod of goodbye to Kathy in the driver's seat, walks away.

"So how are you doing?" Kathy asks quietly as they drive home. They both know that she's not asking about his level of discomfort. The nurse had given him pain medication just before leaving and he's already told her that there is less pain now that the rib is stabilized.

"I don't know," he shrugs. "I just want to get home and see the kids and never leave again."

Kathy is silent for a minute while she considers her words. "Elliot, this isn't like you," she says. "I know you've been through a lot, but I've never known you to be so anxious and worrying so much."

He turns his gaze to her. "I know," he says, and his eyes are dark with an emotion she can't identify. "I'm sorry, I'm sure it's not easy being around me right now."

"Elliot!" she exclaims. She pulls the van over to the side of the street so she can focus on him, reaching over to take his hand. "I'm not complaining, I'm just worried myself, seeing you like this. I want to make things better for you, but I don't know how."

He looks down at their joined hands, and strokes her thumb over the back of hers. "I think," he says slowly, "I need to make a decision about the job before I'm going to feel okay again."

"You're not going back to Special Victims, are you?" Kathy asks, searching his face.

"No," he replies. "I don't think I can."


	30. Chapter 30

Step

"So, you managed to get yourself another month off from work," Mark says from his seat on the couch. He has his fingers templed together in a vee and is looking at Elliot with an appraising manner. Elliot had cancelled the previous two sessions while he recuperated after his surgery but now is back in the hot seat.

"You think I broke my rib on purpose?" Elliot asks, his eyes narrowed.

Mark shrugs. "Why were you engaging in risky behavior?"

"Risky behavior?" Elliot sputters. "I was making love to my wife." Edelman is the only person who has been given the unvarnished version of the incident. Elliot debated lying to him, but knew he'd never get away with it. Edelman has a way of cutting through bullshit without a second glance.

"Do you always have such rough sex with your wife?" asks Mark, not flinching from Elliot's angry glare.

"It wasn't _rough_ sex...:" he retorts with an offended tone, and then trails off, really not comfortable with going into detail. "I was frustrated after our last session, Kathy picked up that I needed to let off some steam. Besides, the doctor had cleared me to any activity I felt up to doing. I just got…carried away."

Mark maintains his gaze, raising one eyebrow.

"Okay, so I'm not _sorry_ I'm out of work longer, but I certainly didn't _plan_ for this to happen," said Elliot finally. "It does give me more time to make up my mind though."

"You probably haven't had much time to think about what you want to do, with this new development." Mark says, nodding at Elliot's chest. The bandages binding his chest clearly show above the vee of his t-shirt.

"Actually, I have, I think it helped me make a decision." Elliot tells him in a tone that is almost defiant.

Mark waits without saying anything. Elliot takes a deep breath and goes on.

"I don't want to go back to the police force."

"At all?" Mark asks, not able to totally hide the surprise in his voice.

"No, I don't want to go back at all. I want to leave the force."

"How did breaking your rib again help you come to that decision?" Mark asks.

Elliot sighs. "You're going to think I'm crazy, but going into surgery, I was sure that I was going to die, never wake up from the anesthesia. It made me realize all over again how important my family is to me. I don't want a job that's going to put me at risk of losing them. I can't do it anymore."

Mark nods thoughtfully. After a minute, he begins talking. "Elliot, I'd be more comfortable with your decision if I didn't think it was driven by fear."

"Fear? Sure, I'm afraid of losing my family."

"Elliot, if you died on the job, you wouldn't lose your family—they would lose you." Mark points out.

"It's the same thing, isn't it? I don't want to leave them; I want to be here to take care of them. Always. As long as they need me, I want to be here for them."

"I'm not sure that difference is so clear in your mind." Mark says simply. "I'd like you do to something for me." Elliot waits and he adds: "I'd like you to go visit the precinct where you worked. Just go in, see your co-workers and see how it feels. Do you think you can do that?"

Elliot shrugs. "Of course I can. My captain needs me to fill out paperwork anyway; I told him I'd come in sometime this week."

"Good. Can you do it before your next appointment? "Elliot nods. "And then we'll talk, okay?"

* * *

Elliot drives into the city two days later to meet with Cragen. When the Captain had called, offering to bring paperwork out to him at home, he told him he'd come in to sign it. This gave him a few more days to think things over, and even before Mark suggested it, he knew he needed to visit the squad room and his coworkers before making a final decision.

Kathy offered to drive in with him for the day and shop while he takes care of business, but physically, he is bouncing back much more quickly this time and he declines her offer. His rib still hurts some, but having only one source of pain, instead of three broken ribs and a surgical incision to deal with is only a minor irritation. Besides, he wants, _needs_ to be out on his own for a few hours. He's been clinging to Kathy's side like a cranky toddler and knows he has to start pushing himself to do things on his own again.

When he walks in, he is both disappointed and relieved to see none of the other detectives at their desks. Cragen is in his office and informs him, in a voice that Elliot recognizes as from a man who has been working too many hours, that they are all out in the field on a new case. This news gives Elliot only a mild twinge of interest and he doesn't ask about the case. This doesn't escape Cragen's notice. After so many years on the job, the captain has canny insight and now he looks at Elliot appraisingly from behind his desk.

"So, how are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm okay," Elliot tells him, meeting his assessing gaze straight on.

"Has your doctor given you another date when you can return to work?"

"Actually, Captain, I'm not sure I am going to come back." As he says the words, Elliot feels a wave of relief wash over him. _There, I said it out loud_. It doesn't hurt like he thought it would, in fact, it feels damn good, as if a weight has been lifted from aching shoulders.

Cragen's eyebrows raise, but he doesn't look all that surprised. "Can I ask why?"

"This whole thing has made me re-evaluate my priorities," Elliot says softly. "My family is the most important thing in my life; I don't want to take any more chances of losing them, or not being there for them."

The two men sit in silence for a few minutes. They've put a lot of hours in together over the years. There have been tense and difficult moments; Cragen has never been one to mince words or skirt around problems. Elliot has appreciated always knowing where he stands with Cragen, and Cragen has always known that he can count on Elliot to get the job done. Still, they are men and not comfortable with expressing these sentiments. Cragen finally breaks the silence by clearing his throat.

"Would it help to talk to Huang? Sort out your feelings about the shooting?"

Elliot is shaking his head before Cragen even finishes the sentence. "No, Cap, I've been talking to a…guy…my surgeon recommended. I don't need Huang." Cragen knows how he feels about being forced to talk to the department psychiatrist and doesn't push the issue. Elliot and George work well together when it comes to cases; but when it comes to his own emotional state, he and the good doctor don't see eye to eye.

"So, is this definite? Are you giving your notice today?"

Elliot raises his hands, palms up, and shrugs. "95% definite. I'd like to wait a week or two on officially giving my notice, but I wanted to give you a heads up today so you could plan ahead."

Nodding slowly, Cragen pushes a sheaf of paperwork across the desk to Elliot. "Then you'd better fill this out as if you're staying."

Elliot picks up the papers and standing up, turns to go out to his desk to fill them out. Getting up and down is still awkward with his ribs bound and as he rises, Cragen quietly asks: "What are you going to do next, Elliot? You're too young to totally retire, you'd go crazy."

"I don't know, Captain, that's what I'm trying to figure out. I've never wanted to be anything except a cop, and I sure as hell can't see myself doing mall security." At this, he and Cragen both share a laugh. It's a private joke in the squad room; whenever anyone is fed up with the job, they threaten to quit and take a "Paul Blart, Mall Cop" job.

"Well, I hope you find something that makes you happy, Elliot. You're a great cop. I hate to see that talent go to waste because of this unfortunate incident."

Elliot turns, papers in hand, and looks back at his boss of the past decade. "I appreciate you saying that, Captain. I hope you know, this has nothing to do with you or anyone here in SVU. "

"Are you sure?" Cragen asks. He wasn't going to ask, but since Elliot has opened the door, he plunges ahead. "Because things seemed a bit tense between you and Olivia right after the shooting."

Elliot masks his surprise and once again, realizes that Cragen never misses a thing. "Nah, we're cool, we worked everything out." _If only you knew…. "_But, Captain….I haven't said anything to Liv yet. I'd appreciate it if you'd let me be the one to tell her."

Cragen nods and Elliot makes his way to his desk. He has just finished the last form when Olivia and Fin come in, looking tired and frustrated. Olivia's face lights up when she sees him sitting in his customary spot at their back-to-back desks. A grin forms on Fin's lips as well.

"El, I didn't know you were coming in today!" Olivia exclaims, coming over to give him a quick hug.

"Hey, man," Fin says, as he gives him a pat on the shoulder, as close to a hug as he'll ever get. "Munch is gonna be pissed that he missed you; he's still out canvassing."

Again, Elliot doesn't ask about their case. He doesn't want to know the details; doesn't want to get sucked into the drama. It is an oddly comforting experience to be able to separate himself; he typically gets so wrapped up in a case he can't see the forest for the trees.

"Just had to fill out some paperwork," he tells them, indicating the pile in front of him. It had been strange to sit at his desk and work; it was much like visiting the school he used to attend as a kid as an adult: a pleasant memory, but no real feeling of connection. Maybe he has moved on more than he realizes.

"The doc give you a date to come back yet?" Olivia asks, sitting down in her own chair, but keeping her eyes on him as if she looks away, he'll disappear.

"Nah, I've got to go back in two weeks for x-rays and see how it's all healing up," Elliot explains. He won't tell Liv today, he owes it to her to do it outside the office, alone, when they can talk. He can't even begin to imagine how he's going to break the news, but he'll find away. The one thing he won't do is walk away from her without a word of explanation, like she did to him all those years ago. They've been through too much since then.

They chat for a bit about inconsequential topics until Elliot slowly pushes himself up out of his chair. Fin winces at the slow, stiff way he moves. "Ribs still hurtin' you, man?" he asks sympathetically.

"Only when I laugh," Elliot says with a small chuckle and a corresponding wince. He takes the sheaf of papers back to Cragen's office and places them on the desk in front of him.

"Thank you, Captain," he says softly, not wanting to be overheard through the open office door. "I'll be in touch in soon with a definite answer. "

Cragen picks up the papers and nods. His warm brown eyes meet Elliot's, holding a tinge of sadness but also a degree of understanding. "Take care of yourself, Elliot."


	31. Chapter 31

_A/N: Just a short fluffy chapter before I settle down to finish the story. It's sink or swim time and I'd love some feedback from readers-should Elliot stay or go? I've actually got both endings written out in my head. Since the announcement that Meloni won't be returning to SVU, it somehow seems fitting to give him an actual exit here, but then again, it would be nice to write it the way we'd all like to see it.  
_

_So please, even if you don't usually review, let me know what you think? Should he stay at SVU or leave to find another career? Either way Liv and her family will be part of his life._

_I'm interested to hear what you all think! _

Dance

Elliot walks into the master bathroom where Kathy is at the sink in her pajamas, brushing her teeth. "So Cragen took the news well?" she asks when she is finished rinsing. Elliot filled her in briefly when he got home from the city, but it was dinner time and then there was a concert at school, so there wasn't time for a real discussion.

"Yeah, I guess so," he shrugs, coming to stand behind her. He places his hands on the sink on either side of her and rests his chin against her shoulder, watching in the mirror as she opens a jar of face cream and begins applying it. "He didn't look happy, but he said he understood. He asked me what I was going to do."

"What _are_ you going to do?" She asks, rubbing the cream into her neck. Elliot has a hungry look in his eyes, one she knows well. She'd expected that the he would return from his visit with the captain in a bad mood, but he's been calmer and more relaxed than she's seen him in awhile. At the concert, he chatted pleasantly with other parents, not at all anxious to leave and get back home as he has been for the last few weeks whenever they've left the house. It seems that coming to a decision has relieved some of the stress that's been weighing on him. She knows she should probably be more worried about their future, but for now, she's just happy to see him returning to a resemblance of his old self.

"I don't know yet," he sighs, nuzzling her neck and making her squirm. "I guess I should start figuring that out. I've got enough leave coming to last for awhile, but not forever."

Kathy attempts to finish with her nightly routine but Elliot is on a mission now, planting soft kisses up the side of her neck to her ear, and then sliding his hands up under her camisole to cup her breasts. She forgets about the lotion and sighing softly, leans back against his chest and watches in the mirror. He raises his head and meets her gaze, while using his thumbs to lazily circle her nipples. She feels the familiar warm rush of heat dart from abdomen to between her legs, and wonders how, after all of these years, he can still excite her so. Her friends complain about how infrequent and routine their sex lives have become, but that has never been the case with them.

He is wearing only a pair of nylon basketball shorts and the bandages that bind his ribs. She deliberately moves her hips back and grinds against the bulge that she can feel through his thin shorts. Watching in the mirror as his eyes briefly close and hearing the low groan that escapes his lips is wildly stimulating and now she wants to be in charge, wants to bring him as much pleasure as she can, because he deserves it after the hell he's been through over the past weeks. She turns and wraps her arms carefully around his neck, covering his face with slow, wet kisses. "Are you sure this is okay?" she murmurs, catching his lower lip between her teeth and nibbling softly. "I don't want you to end up in the ER again."

He gives a low chuckle and slides his hands down to grip her buttocks, pulling her tight against his growing erection. "As long as you're willing to be on top, I'll be fine," he laughs softly. He returns her kisses with fervor, probing with his tongue and sending another stab of arousal through her body.

"Oh, I'm willing," she says. He starts moving her backwards, through the bathroom door. She lets him guide her, trusting him, as she has always done, to keep her safe. When the back of her legs bump against the side of the bed, he stops and slowly lifts the hem of her camisole to raise it over her head. She shivers at the sudden chill but then his warm, wet mouth is covering one of her nipples and she's no longer cold. Stroking the back of his neck with lazy fingers, she c loses her eyes, lets her head fall back and enjoys the sensation. When he starts to ease her back and lower her to the bed, her eyes fly open.

"Easy, babe," she laughs. He smiles wryly and steps back, watching while she slips out her pajamas bottoms and stretches out on the bed. He quickly sheds his own shorts and starts to join her, but is stopped short by her laughter.

"What?" he asks, looking down at her in confusion. She points to his rib bindings. It is incongruous to see him totally naked except for the swatch of white around his chest. "Well, help me take them off," he grumbles and waits while she finds the metal clasp and then unwraps him, layer by layer, tossing the bandages on the floor next to the bed. He stretches out next to her and sighs. "Feels good to have that off," he murmurs, reaching for her waist and pulling her close. She puts one hand against the taut muscles of his chest. He's begun to put some weight back on, another good sign. She caresses the outline of the scar on his chest, which is fading to a light pink, and slides her hand down his flat belly to grasp the hard, thick length of his erection. Glancing up, she smiles to see that he has closed his eyes, a look of bliss on his face as she stokes up and down, first softly and then with more pressure. She slips her thumb over the head and the sticky moisture that is forming there and he groans, a low throaty sound that sends a rush of moisture between her own legs.

The act that follows is a dance whose moves they have memorized and performed countless times with endless variations but whose outcome is always a fresh surprise and welcome release. It's the act that binds them together, the glue that cements their relationship and the balm that heals their wounds.

"Love you," Elliot whispers sleepily into her hair as they drift off to sleep, her back to his front, his strong arm wrapped around her waist to hold her close. She responds by slipping her hand through his at her waist, gripping his fingers tightly with her own.

Their peace is disrupted a moment later when the bedroom door opens a crack and a small voice calls "Daddy, I had a bad dream, can I sleep in here?"

"Sure, buddy, come here," Elliot answers sleepily. He holds the covers back on his side so that Eli can climb in next to him while Kathy scrambles to put her pajamas back on. The little boy cuddles up next to his father, squirming to get comfortable. Elliot is almost asleep when he hears a surprised voice ask: "Daddy, where's your jammas?"


	32. Chapter 32

Window

**_When a door closes, a window opens_**.

"How did it feel to tell your Captain you weren't coming back?" Mark Edelman asks. He hasn't followed his usual routine of moving out of his wheelchair and onto the couch for this session and it is somehow making Elliot feel unsettled. He forces himself to focus on the man's words and not the chair in front of him.

"It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be," Elliot admits. "He wasn't thrilled, but he took it better than I expected. And since I told him, I've felt a lot more relaxed, not under such pressure. I haven't submitted my formal resignation yet, but it feels like—I _can _do this, and I _should_ do this-it's the right thing for me and my family."

"Good," says Mark. "How did it feel when you visited the squad room?"

Elliot squirms a little, getting comfortable in his seat. He isn't big on identifying how he "feels" about things; he is used to doing what seems right to him. Knowing _why _he does it isn't a strong point. He knows from experience that Mark won't back down until he gets an answer, so he tries to put his thoughts into words.

"It was…weird. In a way, it felt good to be there, and in another, it was like…seeing someplace from the past. When I sat at my desk to do paperwork, I felt like I was visiting an old classroom or something. I didn't feel like I belonged there anymore. I know they're swamped with a new case, but I didn't even want to hear the details. It didn't pertain to me. All I wanted to do was finish what I came to do and get back home to my family."

"Were you anxious about being away from home?"

Elliot thinks for a minute. "No, not at all. That was just where I wanted to be, you know? That's what matters to me, home, with my wife and kids."

Mark nods, appreciating Elliot's honesty. "It sounds like you've already separated from that job." He comments.

Elliot nods slowly as he thinks about this. "I think you're right—I have. It's like one life ended that day in the warehouse when I was shot, and another one began when I woke up in the hospital."

"Have you thought about what you'll do for a job if you don't go back?" asks Mark.

"Not really," Elliot shrugs. "That's the next step—I need to start putting out some feelers, seeing what's out there for an ex-cop. I don't want to do security work."

"I actually have an idea for you, but I didn't want to say anything until I was sure you'd made up your mind." Mark tells him.

"What is it?" Elliot asks, intrigued. He unconsciously leans forward, elbows resting on his knees, curious to hear what job his therapist thinks he might be suited for.

"As you know, I do a lot of work with veterans." Edelman continues. "I know that the local Veteran's Affairs office has an opening for a Special Agent, an investigator. Your military background combined with your experience as a detective makes you perfectly qualified. I could recommend you if you're interested. "

"What would I be investigating?"

"Basically, any crime involving veterans benefits—fraud, abuse."

"Sounds like IAB—Internal Affairs, the rat squad." Elliot frowns. "I don't know if I want to be involved in something like that."

"Actually, that's only part of it," Edelman continues. "A lot of it involves investigating crimes _against_ veterans—people making false claims for providing service to veterans, patient abuse of vets in hospitals, attempts to steal benefits, things of that nature. It's often difficult to investigate these crimes. Veterans often have issues with trust and relating to people in authority, and no one likes to admit they've been taken advantage of. Your experience in dealing with victims of abuse over the years, along with having been in the military yourself, would give you a real advantage in working this type of case."

Elliot nods, his thoughts whirling. For the first time in weeks, he feels excitement about something other than his family. He loves the investigative aspect of his job, putting the pieces of a puzzle together and finding an answer. He knows he is good with victims and he loves nothing better than righting a wrong, bringing justice where it's needed.

"How do I apply?"

* * *

When Kathy gets home from picking up Eli, she can hear Elliot in the kitchen. The radio is playing and there is the sound of pots and pans being moved around.

"What's all this?" she asks in astonishment as she enters the room.

"What you makin', Daddy?" Eli echoes, as surprised as his mother. He's never seen his father cook anything other than the occasional scrambled eggs and toast in the morning when Kathy sleeps in or grilling outside in the warm weather. In the early years of their marriage, when Elliot was working nights, he did most of the cooking and had become quite adept at it, but with the demands of his current job, he never has time. He hasn't made a whole meal in years.

Elliot turns from the stove where he is browning chicken breasts in oil. "I thought I'd make some chicken parmesan for dinner," he says with a grin. "Give you a break from cooking. How was your meeting with your advisor?"

"Good," Kathy says, still in shock. Elliot seems…happy. How long has it been since she's seen him this relaxed? "He's going to set up a meeting with my professors to see how I can finish up this semester's classes independently so I can still get credit."

"That's great, babe," Elliot tells her. His tone is warm and enthusiastic and so is the kiss he plants on her lips when he comes around the table to hug her.

"Daddy, can I help?" Eli asks, tugging on the hem of his shorts.

"Sure, buddy," his father tells him. "Go wash your hands and I'll get you a stool. You can make the salad while Mom relaxes."

Kathy raises an eyebrow at him. Relax has not been a word in her vocabulary of late. When Eli runs down the hall to the bathroom, she asks: "How did your session go today?"

"Great!" Elliot informs her, going back to the stove to attend to his meal. "I've got a job interview tomorrow." His face breaks into a wide smile as he says it and she sees a glimpse of the eager young man she married.

"What? Where? How…" she sputters, going to stand next to him. "Stop cooking and tell me!"

Elliot laughs and turns off the burner under the chicken. They both go sit at the kitchen table and as he tells her about Edelman's suggestion, how Mark had called the VA office right then and how they were so excited to hear of Elliot's interest that they'd set up an interview for the next morning, his voice is bubbling with excitement and anticipation.

"That's amazing," she tells him, pleased to see him so animated. "It sounds perfect for you, El."

"It does, doesn't it?" He grins at her. "I looked at their website when I got home, the pay is great, and the benefits are as good at NYPD's. It would be perfect." His tone becomes more serious as he adds: "The interview is at 11 in the city; I thought I'd try to hook up with Olivia afterward and talk."

Kathy nods soberly. The news that Elliot is leaving NYPD and SVU is not going to be welcomed by Olivia, but she thinks that, in the end, it will be a good thing for them to have some distance from each other. They can still continue as friends without worrying about their personal connections, especially August, interfering with their judgment on the job. Still, she doesn't envy Elliot having to break the news.

"That's a good idea," she tells him, reaching out to squeeze his hand. "She's going to need some time to get used to the idea that you're not coming back." She stands up and goes around to Elliot's side of the table, nudging him with her hip until he slides his chair out from the table so she can sit in his lap. She puts her arms around his neck and kisses him softly. "I'm so proud of you," she tells him, stroking the side of his face. It's not easy to make changes, El, and I know this one is especially hard. But it seems to be the right one for you. You already seem happier."

"I am," he replies, touching his forehead to her and stroking her hair. "It feels right to me too."

"What are you _doing_?" Eli groans as he re-enters the kitchen, holding up his dripping hands to show his father. "We gonna cook now, Daddy? I'm clean!"


	33. Chapter 33

_A/N: Thanks to all who have read and reviewed this story. I've enjoyed your comments and feedback. Evidently I confused some people by putting it in the E/O category and led you to believe the story would end with an E/O romantic relationship. I never intended to do that. My goal was to show that there are many layers to E/O and they don't have to be romantically involved to have a relationship. For for that reason I put it under Family/Drama rather than romance. _

_I originally meant for Elliot to decide to go back to SVU after all, but after the announcement that Chris Meloni won't be returning to SVU in the fall, it seemed more fitting to rewrite the story to be consistent with his departure. I've taken the liberty of phasing the other characters out as well. In my opinion, SVU without Benson and Stabler isn't SVU. _

_There will eventually be one more story in this series, but I think I'll take o take a break first and write a few other things that have been simmering on the back burner. One will be an AU one-shot with Elliot and another female character from SVU. Stay tuned!_

**Parting**

"I hope you're planning to pay for lunch because you _owe_ me," Olivia announces as she hurries into the deli Elliot where suggested they meet for lunch. "We are so swamped at the station, if Cragen knew I was taking time to eat he'd probably dock me a week's pay."

Elliot stands as she arrives at the table. Olivia takes a step back and gives him a long, appraising look. "You look great," she says at last, and gives him a quick hug. "Have you gained some weight?" Without waiting for a reply, she sits down and picks up the laminated menu that is resting on the table. "God, I'm starving, I didn't have time for breakfast. Isn't this the place where you always get a pastrami sandwich? I think I'll have one of those."

Elliot shakes his head as his sits down, wondering if he'll have a chance to tell Olivia _anything_ today. She's clearly deep into one of the agitated moods she gets in when hot on a case, when there is so much going on it is impossible to focus on one thing at once.

"Yes, the pastrami is good here," he answers, picking up his coffee and taking a sip."And yes, I'm buying." The waitress notices that his lunch companion has arrived and comes over to take their orders, two pastrami sandwiches, extra pickles, and extra chips.

"You really do look good," Olivia says again when the waitress is gone. "Any chance the doctor will clear you to come back to work sooner?"

Elliot opens his mouth to speak and then closes it abruptly. He has rehearsed a dozen ways to give Olivia this news, but at the moment, every single one of them has left his mind. He looks at her with a helpless expression.

"What is it, El?" Olivia has been his partner long enough to know when there is a problem. Her forehead creases in a puzzled frown. "Why did you want to have lunch, what did you want to tell me?" As he continues to look at her with a panicked look, a dark shadow crosses over her face. "Oh my God, Elliot—you're not planning to _come _back, are you?"

"No, Liv, I'm not." He finally manages to produce a few words. _So_ _much for breaking it to her gently!_

"That's why you came in to see Cragen the other day." She says flatly. "He's been in a piss poor mood ever since you left. We thought it was just because you couldn't come back right away and 1PP wants to send us filler."

"I asked him not to say anything until I had a chance to talk to you," Elliot says softly. At his gentle tone, Liv's eyes fill with tears.

"Why aren't you coming back? Is it because I screwed up?" She looks at him; her brown eye wet with unshed tears and lowers her voice. "Is it because of August?"

"No, Liv, none of those things…" He looks at her helplessly, hating to see her upset and needing to make her understand that is has nothing to do with her, while at the same time, it has everything to do with her. He continues in a voice hoarse with emotion. "The shooting was a wake-up call for me, Liv. It made me realize how much I need Kathy and the kids, and how much this job has kept me from them. I don't want to risk losing them. I _can't _risk losing them."

Olivia nods. She is biting her bottom lip in an effort not to cry. Elliot is sure she doesn't even realize she is doing it. His own heart feels like it is lodged in his stomach like a rock.

"You could stay, with a different partner." She says after a minute. "John or Fin—they would never screw up like I did."

"Liv!" he exclaims. He reaches across the table for her hand, but just then, the waitress arrives with their sandwiches. They both sit back and watch as she places the platters on the table in front of them. Neither is hungry anymore, but they thank the waitress and wait until she walks away.

"You didn't screw up," Elliot continues, leaning forward into the table and holding her eyes with his. "This has nothing to do with you. It's _me_. I need a change, Olivia. I've done this too long. I've let the job get under my skin and let it interfere with my family life. This is the second time I've almost lost my family because of the job. It's time for me to go."

"I don't know how to do this without you," Olivia says in a trembling voice, and now the tears are sliding down her face in two tracks.

"Of course you do," Elliot tells her. "You're a great cop, Olivia. We've both worked with other partners over the years. You'll do fine without me."

She shakes her head, but doesn't say anything in response. Seeing her upset has helped him gather his thoughts; he is desperate to do anything to stop her from crying.

"Liv, I think, it's better for both of us," he begins in a tentative voice. "We've worked together for a long time. I think sometimes, we're too close to be objective with each other. This situation with August complicates things even further. "

Her eyes flash when her daughter's name is mentioned and he can almost hear her thinking: _So this __**is**__ about August!_

"August is just one factor," he continues, remembering his mental notes and building up steam. "There have been other times when our personal relationship has gotten in the way."

They are both silent for a moment, remembering when Olivia was unable to shoot a perp because he was holding a gun to Elliot's head and she was too afraid Elliot would be killed, and the time when Elliot stopped to see if Olivia was okay when a perp attacked her with a knife- and the perp got away and killed a child.

"I think, if we're really honest with ourselves we both know we crossed that line of being just partners a long time ago."

Olivia meets his gaze and nods slowly in reluctant agreement.

"It doesn't have to mean the end of our friendship," he says. "If anything, we can finally quit worrying about IAB watching every move and just be whatever we want to be. Friends. Family. Whatever."

At the last one, Olivia smiles and gives a weak laugh. "Whatever? This is my "whatever", Elliot? Meet my "whatever", Elliot?"

Elliot laughs in spite of himself. "Our relationship has always been complicated." He says. "Whatever sums it up as well as anything." Neither needs to mention out loud all of the times they've been accused of being romantically involved over the years.

Olivia picks up a chip and nibbles at it. Her eyes are dark and contemplative, but she's no longer crying. "What will you do, Elliot? Transfer to another squad?"

He picks up half of his enormous sandwich and shakes his head. "No," he says before taking a bite. "I'm going to leave NYPD altogether."

Her eyes widen at this. "But you're too young to retire—did they put you out on disability after all?"

When he's swallowed the bite, he explains about the interview with the Office of Veteran's Affairs.

"It's perfect," he tells her, trying to curb his enthusiasm. "I'd have to go to Washington for orientation, but then it's all local work, fairly regular hours. I still get to investigate and work with victims, but it won't be…."

"…children and rape victims." Olivia finishes for him, her tone flat. "It won't be working with the scum of the earth."

Elliot shakes his head, looking at her closely. Does he dare suggest that Olivia think about making a change too? Get out of Special Victims before it takes a toll on her family life as well? They've both been with the unit far longer than the usual tour of duty. So have John and Munch, but neither of them has young children or spouses to worry about.

"I've actually thought about leaving too," she says, as if reading his mind. "I finally understand how hard it's been for you to be a parent and deal with all of this shit. I don't how long I can do it, now that I'm a mother. Thinking about someone hurting August is what caused me to screw up at the warehouse." It's the first time she's admitted this out loud to anyone and it feels good to have it out in the open.

"It's a hard to keep from crossing that line," Elliot agrees. "Having kids stirs up a protective instinct; makes you want to look out for every child you run into."

Olivia nods, thinking about that day and how hearing the sound of a girl crying made her lose her judgment. All she wanted to do was find that child and put an end to her pain.

"We can't both leave Cragen at once," she said at last with a sigh. "But I may start looking too, El. The thought of doing this job without you seems too overwhelming. Maybe it's the push I need to move on too."

Before he can interject, she picks up her own sandwich to decide at which angle she should attack it. In the end, she gives up and uses her silverware to cut a corner off. "Mmm…this _is_ good…how definite is this VA job?" she asks.

Elliot shrugs. "They told me that if my background check clears, I'm in. Being in the Marines was an asset." Before Olivia can ask, he adds, "And yes, I told them what they'd find in my jacket at the department. They didn't think there'd be any problems."

"So, you're gonna be a Fed," Olivia teases. "Just like Andy and Dana and Dean…"

Elliot gives a mock groan, but he's grinning now too. "No, NOT like Porter, definitely not." After a minute, he puts down his sandwich, and looks at Olivia, his eyes soft. "You know, I _am_ going to miss working with you," he says in a low voice. "This wasn't an easy decision to make, Liv."

Olivia pauses, her fork halfway to her mouth. "I know, El. But it's the right one for you. I can see it in your eyes. I haven't seen you this happy in a long time."

They take their time eating, Elliot managing to finish his sandwich and part of Olivia's. She smiles to see him back to his old self, talking animatedly with his hands, reaching for food on her plate without asking, calling the waitress to refill for her drink for her. They reminisce about old cases and the different people they've worked with over the years.

When they waitress comes to take their plates, Olivia glances at her watch and cringes. "Oh, man, I've got to get back to the precinct before Cragen sends out a search party." She looks at Elliot across the table, her eyes soft and wet again. "I can't believe I'm never going to see your ugly mug across from my desk again."

Elliot laughs. "I'll get you a picture," he promises. "You can use it for a dart board." He stands with Olivia and holds out his arms. She takes a deep breath and steps into his embrace. They hold each other, swaying slightly, her face buried in his neck, his in her hair. There are years of unspoken words in this hug, broken promises, disappointments, losses, joys and victories. Finally, she steps back, swiping at her eyes. It doesn't escape her notice that his are a little moist as well.

"See you, partner," she says, and before he can respond, she's gone, out the door as quickly as she entered an hour earlier.

**Epilogue**

_Six months later_

It's a warm day in early September. The older Stabler kids are throwing a Frisbee around the backyard while waiting for their father to finish grilling the steaks. Their game is interrupted when August, who has become a demon on two legs since she began walking shortly after her first birthday, barges into the middle of the area, determined to join in the fun. The adults laugh from the picnic table as she bends over to pick up the round disc and tries to toss it. The look on her face when it lands on the ground at her feet with a thump is priceless. As Dick bends over to pick her up and "help" her throw it correctly, Eli comes barreling out of the house.

"I'm sorry!" He yells, tugging at the waistband of his shorts. "I was s'posed to watch her, but I had to go to the baf'room."

"It's okay, Munchkin," says Dick, ruffling his hair. "You can play too; go be on Kathleen's team." Kathleen rolls her eyes at him, but holds out her hand for her brother.

"Come on, Eli" she tells him. "You catch the low ones and I'll get the high ones."

"I can't believe he's starting school in two days," says Olivia, shading her eyes to watch the spectacle unfolding in front of them. August now refuses to let go of the Frisbee, and the older children are all trying a different method of cajoling her into giving it up. Declan is busy capturing the episode on the camcorder he started carrying everywhere once his daughter began walking.

"I know," says Kathy wistfully. "It seems like he was just born." She and Olivia are both quiet for a minute; remembering that awful day and how terrified they'd both been. She turns to look at Olivia with a small smile. "Before we know it, August will be starting school too."

Olivia shakes her head, laughing. "I can't even think about that," she says.

"She's never going to school," Dec announces from behind the camcorder. "We're locking her in her room when she turns five and throwing away the key."

Elliot comes out of the kitchen carrying a tray of cold drinks. He hands Dec another beer and pours the women a refill of peach-rum laced iced tea.

"Good luck with that, buddy," he tells him. He stands behind Kathy and Liv at the table and unconsciously puts a hand on each of their shoulders. This is exactly where he wants to be, surrounded by all of the people he cares about. His new job has worked out better than he could have hoped. The work is meaningful and interesting, and has given him a new sense of vitality. Most days, he is home by dinner and with a few exceptions, the cases are easy to leave behind at the end of the day, leaving him the mental energy he needs to be fully present for his family.

Liv reaches up and pats his hand on her shoulder. Kathy notices, and laughing, does the same. He looks down and laughs when he sees what he has done. They are the two most important women in his life and he loves that, after so many years of tension, it is all so comfortable now.

"How's the new job going?" He asks Olivia. Four months after he left, she put in to transfer back to Computer Crimes, in a part-time position. Dec was promoted to Senior Detective and the increase in his salary made it possible for her to be home with August more. She is also volunteering a few hours a week at a foundation that supports victims of sexual assault and domestic abuse. Mariclair has applied for a student visa and is attending Hudson University as a full-time student, still caring for August when Olivia worked. She's dating a fellow student and is ecstatically happy with her new life. Olivia feels like she found the sister she'd always wanted.

"It's good," she tells him now. "Not SVU, but it's nice to work regular hours."

The SVU squad room is a different place these days. Don Cragen announced his retirement shortly after Elliot resigned and Munch was promoted to take his place. Fin decided that he would transfer back to Narcotics. The detectives that have taken all of their places came from all other precincts and there is a different and not entirely comfortable atmosphere in the place. Olivia avoids it as much as she can, although she and John have lunch occasionally outside of the office. He's planning to retire in a year or so and vents often to Olivia about how things have changed.

Elliot checks the grill and announces that the steaks are ready. He calls the kids in from the yard in his drill sergeant voice as Kathy and Olivia go to the kitchen to bring the salads out. As he watches them all jostle for places at the table, reaching for drinks and food, a broad smile covers his handsome face.

It appears that life does, indeed, go on for veterans of the Special Victim Unit.


End file.
